Hello everyone,

I have this other thing that I would like to share and discuss.
I today identify as a MTF girl, and lived until 32 y.o. as a boy.
During my life I really tried hard to be OK, which means to "be a boy" like the others male-born individuals.
In my path, however, I felt a lot of times "disturbing wrong feelings", like... being girly and liking boys somehow.
What I felt is that I wished to remove these feelings...
This is something that occurred to me a lot, since I was about 11 and... well, still a little bit today.
Also, I, like, always tried to be "in the girl's heart", and lately in my puberty I was somehow sexually attracted to girls.
Today, as I discovered to be a girl, I am far better, and lots of things make much sense now.

So my question is: Does anyone of your ever experienced the feeling of wishing to "remove these disturbing feelings" (feelings identifying your true self) from yourself, and "being like others", along your child/adult-hood?

Kisses,
Iv.

Yeah, I wanted it to go away because my religion told me the feelings were illegitimate and I would go to hell. 

So I tried really hard to beat it and nearly killed myself in the process.

So, I think the desire to not have the feelings can be normal because of the potential cost of doing something about them.

Hello Deborah, thank you for your sharing. This is very precious, really.
Yes, I think that the "moral" thing enters in this feeling your feelings as "disturbing".

Maybe in my case, there is also something else, which is my "wish" or "need" of being with girls (in my late adolescence, also sexually, somehow), which started to be "impossible" since I was 6. Maybe my feelings were also disturbing in this sense...

Yes. It was very hard for me during my life to deal with all the conflicting feelings going on. On one side there was a very great desire to be a girl and then a woman. On the other, I wanted to be a man because that brought the approval of all around me. Then too, dating girls, was nice partly because of how much I enjoyed the friendship of girls.

I know that I thought of my inner conflict as a problem. I can't remember whether I ever consciously wanted it to go away. There was something inside that wasn't willing to let it go.

When I was about 4 years old my mother caught me wearing my older sister's dress. She went mad, hit me, left me in no doubt I was wrong. Since then I've been ashamed, ashamed of the thoughts going round in my head that I should have been born female, ashamed of wanting to dress in nice feminine clothes, ashamed of not being like everyone else. I'm still ashamed now, never managed to get over it, and I'm torn between the urges I feel and the shame I feel at those urges.

No, not really. I realized I had feelings and habits that were in conflict with what I saw in other people, but at no point did it occur to me that I could be anything other than what I was. Even as a kid I accepted I was different and there was nothing I could do about it except trying to get on with my life, even if it meant ostracism.

Which makes self-acceptance a double-edged sword. Because if you accept something so absolutely, rather than trying to deal with it, you can live half your life (or more) without ever realizing you can act on it and change your life for the better. Having those feelings might actually be much more helpful than not in finding a resolution sooner.

Yes.  And it was a really, REALLY bad idea.

Unfortunately, it's still fairly normal. I was pretty much raised to hate myself as I was mentally poisoned by the Southern Baptist church I grew up in. But the damage was done, and even though I left the church when I was 16, I didn't accept myself till about my mid-20s, and that I'm 29 and about to turn 30 I am finally getting my transition going and will be starting on hormones soon. And I have learned learning to love yourself is so much better than hating yourself and remaining miserable for life.

Quote from: T.K.G.W. on September 13, 2016, 02:12:23 PM
No, not really. I realized I had feelings and habits that were in conflict with what I saw in other people, but at no point did it occur to me that I could be anything other than what I was. Even as a kid I accepted I was different and there was nothing I could do about it except trying to get on with my life, even if it meant ostracism.

Which makes self-acceptance a double-edged sword. Because if you accept something so absolutely, rather than trying to deal with it, you can live half your life (or more) without ever realizing you can act on it and change your life for the better. Having those feelings might actually be much more helpful than not in finding a resolution sooner.

Yes, this.

Being trans was both the worst and easiest of the things disturbing to me as a kid. The easiest because all the other stuff really was horrific. The worst because the consequences of acknowledging I was trans back then would have resulted in the most severe punishments.

So anything in that direction stayed quite buried. I learned to pass for male in a thousand ways.

However burying isn't removing and at half and now 3/4 through my life expectancy I first realized and now am acting on my need to be as female as I can manage.

Quote from: manila on September 11, 2016, 09:01:37 AM
Hello everyone,

I have this other thing that I would like to share and discuss.
I today identify as a MTF girl, and lived until 32 y.o. as a boy.
During my life I really tried hard to be OK, which means to "be a boy" like the others male-born individuals.
In my path, however, I felt a lot of times "disturbing wrong feelings", like... being girly and liking boys somehow.
What I felt is that I wished to remove these feelings...
This is something that occurred to me a lot, since I was about 11 and... well, still a little bit today.
Also, I, like, always tried to be "in the girl's heart", and lately in my puberty I was somehow sexually attracted to girls.
Today, as I discovered to be a girl, I am far better, and lots of things make much sense now.

So my question is: Does anyone of your ever experienced the feeling of wishing to "remove these disturbing feelings" (feelings identifying your true self) from yourself, and "being like others", along your child/adult-hood?

Kisses,
Iv.

As a child i never really understood the feelings 
That was my problem i didn't understand and i didn't have anyone to explain my feelings to me. Although as a kid i was
more open to being myself and i didn't care about what others believed. It was in my teenage years that it hurt enough for me want to push it away and hide forever within myself never to let anyone know i was really a boy.
But in the end that didn't work, yes even now iv'e tried, recently i tried getting it to go away. It didn't go away, i tried things that made me uncomfortable and i learned quickly its better for me just to be myself instead of hiding.
Them feelings of hiding it of pushing it away of removing them whatever we consider it is common it seems

I had some problems with these thoughts, but I thought that with enough time, I would naturally grow out of this. I expected it would 'click' at around 14/18 years old. Never happened.