Hi everyone,

This is the part that's kind of holding me back the most - kind of like I don't trust the way I feel and that (as they say) it really is just a phase.

I guess it comes down to the fact that I have to be accountable for my own actions and decisions, which is hard because I am quite indecisive. I've tried hard to be masculine and fit the role, but I always wind up down this same path!

I've spoken to a therapist before (for youth mental health) and brought this up, but I kind of felt awkward talking about it, so that's partly what is causing me to feel like I've not yet come to terms with it and not coping all that well with it. We had a couple of sessions, but I haven't been back there in a few months because I was feeling "better".

I've got a girlfriend who knows nothing of this (which makes me feel guilty, but I'm nowhere near ready to tell her what I'm thinking - just protecting myself), I have practically zero motivation these days for anything except reading transition stories, trans issues and watching vlog's on YouTube of girls transitioning. I find it hard to wake up in the morning and have trouble getting to sleep at night (sometimes dreaming of all of this). I find the word "dysphoria" intimidating! I don't like my masculine body shape, body hair, facial hair, lack of feminine features etc etc. All the things that point to it, yet the term scares me! The whole "sexuality-gender" conundrum makes it even worse. Seeing a woman on tv/in person makes me jealous and gives me butterflies.

I know deep down inside that if I wasn't living at home and didn't have a partner, I know pretty well what path I'd be taking and what I'd be doing, so all the external noise just adds pressure and confusion on top. But it's just really hard to cope and really hard to accept.


I just wanted to get opinions and advice on how you came to terms with being trans? How you cope?

Thanks,
Karlee.xo

I don't recommend you take my approach as I waited until it blew up in my face. I reached the point were it was my life or seek treatment.  At this point the best approach would be to return to therapy. The biggest mistake you could make is getting into a relationship where your partner isn't aware of your other side. If she is willing to accept you then it's safe to continue with the relationship as your dysphoria isn't going away.

I suggest you ask yourself how much longer you can continue to bottle your feelings up? Is there enough in your current life to balance out the pain you are feeling?

You cope by transitioning, to the extent you need to in order to cope. You have gender dysphoria, in the literal sense, if not in some sense defined in the DSM: You are feeling bad on account of the incongruence between the gender the world sees in you and the gender you want to express.

If you're interested in transitioning, you should start as soon as you can, in whatever way you can, because the best way to figure out if it's really what you want to do is to give it a try. Any steps toward that goal — therapy is good, especially with a therapist who has a clue about gender nonconformity. Also, local support groups can be good — actual in-person (not YouTube, not forum) trans people. But any gender-affirming things you can do, that feel safe to do (even if they're a little scary), are steps that can help with coping.

Try to tell your girlfriend. This is affecting your life really seriously, and she really deserves to know, and she can help if she wants to stick with you (whether as your girlfriend or as your girl friend), and if she doesn't want to stick with you, she can help by leaving. That is, assuming she's trustworthy. If not, well ... I guess it's not such a great relationship to be in?

Obviously, if you are in a dangerous situation where you risk becoming homeless if your parents find out, address that first: Think of independence as a step toward transitioning.

Great advice.

I have come out to my partner. She is supportive, yet it's a huge thing for them to get their heads around and understand. We are doing some therapy together so this should help I guess.

Quote from: Karlee on September 22, 2016, 11:36:58 PM
I just wanted to get opinions and advice on how you came to terms with being trans? How you cope?

I came to terms with it really, really slowly.  You have the good fortune to be young.  I didn't work it out until I was 40-ish.  By that time, I knew.  I friggin' knew, but I still swept it under the rug, hoping it would go away.  So, here I am, another 20 years later, starting my transition.  I don't recommend doing it my way.

Kathy I'm 46 and just starting. I won't wait another 20 years.

For me it was very easy to come to terms with the fact itself. I'd accepted I was very "different" as a young child. I'd come to terms with it back then, went through my miserable phase at about age 10-11 and eventually become a little proud that I wasn't a cookie-cut person. I'm in no way cowed by the fact I have this problem. I've had so many other problems already this is actually one of the easier to manage ones.

But - coming to terms with its consequences is a different matter. I'm in a fairly happy 10 year relationship that is going to come to an end once I start taking that T. That is something that's been very difficult to accept, as is the behavior of certain people who already know me in response to finding out about the condition. Dealing with that hasn't been easy. All I can really do at this point is trust in myself that I'm making the right choice to go ahead, and knowing that I'm doing whatever I can to make sure I have as few regrets as possible. I know where the road goes if I ignore the problem and continue living my life the way it's been so far and I know it's going to end with enormous regret if I'm on my deathbed still as miserable as ever and I never did anything about it. I don't know what lies down the transition road but there's at least the hope that it'll make me feel better and more alive. That's how I'm coping.

I kept it hidden from my first wife. We were young, we were in love. She was my best friend. And then I ignored her as sex became less and less important. I thought I was a freakin Supermodel. Finally she could not take it anymore and had an affair to which I left home. We divorced a year later.  I have since found out that if I had explained myself she would have understood and worked with me, she is a medical professional with 35 years as a nurse. Instead I cut her off completely. I can't explain the guilt and loneliness I have felt all these years since. The build up of anger that I spread like peanut butter over every relationship. My current wife has been on the receiving end far too long and I felt I had to do something to address the problem. 6 months ago I started therapy and I am now working on my second month of HRT. I don't have enough verbs to describe the liberation, exhilaration of discovering the real me, and that person is so much better than the one I was before. I am no longer the ingenue I thought I was, Don't be indecisive as I know what it is like to hide for a lifetime. Literally

Non-HRT Feminization, cross-dressing, always dressing on the feminine side of male attire, extreme sports, drinking, porn and dealing with my dysphoria with depression were all coping strategies for me and I'm sure I have left out a few. This was before transition, once i began HRT everything changed for me emotionally to the positive and most of those old strategies could either be done more healthy or abandoned.

I am truly lucky in that my spouse of 25+ yrs has supported me. Its not been easy by any stretch but we have found a new way to love one another closely, and are planning our growing old together. It is doubly hard to do this stuff alone and you need a support network; family, friends, therapists and others if possible. Not to say you can't do it alone though, because we are amazingly resilient beings.

Things I've done to deal with my gender issues:

1.  Write stories and read stories.  The point isn't to write a best-seller or to read the finest writing, it's to get in touch with your inner self.  To find out what rings your bell and what goes "clunk."  It's about getting to know yourself and getting comfortable with the way your real self is, as opposed to what everyone told you you had to be.

2.  Therapy.  Nothing beats finding a good therapist.  (And few things are worse than a bad one....)

3.  Try things out.  For instance, I felt the urge to wear skirts.  I found places where a (bearded!) man in a skirt wasn't such a big deal (counter-culture groups, Contra dance groups -- anybody know of any others?)  I payed attention to what I felt like.  I tried different kinds of skirts, then tights, etc.  It was almost 10 years of gradually discovering that the more feminine the fashion, the more I liked it, before I ran across something that made me seriously consider the possibility that I might actually be transgender, not just a cis guy with an odd sense of fashion.  By then, the idea wasn't quite so scary.  (Don't get me wrong, it was still a huge shock, sort of like discovering that you're really the long-lost heir to the throne of Siam -- or Princess Ozma transformed into a boy.)

4.  Find trans support groups.  Whether you ultimately decide you really are trans and whether you decide to transition and how and what you want to transition to, there's nothing like meeting other people in Real Life who are wrestling with similar issues and who can put a human face on being trans.

Some things I've used to cope a bit are video games in which you play as a female character and anime, typically with a female lead character.

I've done the most coping with my dialog with myself.  I always address myself in a feminine way.  I always look at/talk to girls while thinking how alike we are.  Idk how much it actually helps, but as far as my thoughts go, I think I'm doing ok.


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I agree with Dena. Address being trans and do not unknowingly bring another person into a relationship.

Amanda_combs I love that idea of addressing in a feminine way to myself, I read that yesterday and have started to do it it already feels good and right.

I completely agree with Dena.  I have a very rich internal dialogue.  I tend to address myself and conceptualize myself in the feminine in this dialogue.  In some senses it helps to solidify my concept of myself and my actual internal gender.  On the other hand, it probably contributes to my dysphoria since it is a constant reminder reinforcing the gender discordance.

Hi all,

Thanks for your thoughts and tips. It's much appreciated.

I think it's just a matter of building up confidence and finding the way forward. I have "revelations" and "ah-ha" moments all the time, but then I beat myself down about it and pass it off. I find that work and uni distracts me a lot from it, so I tend to do a lot of that. Any moment I'm not studying, I'm feeling guilty.

Thank you all so much, and sorry for the late reply. It's been a very busy, stressful time lately. Hopefully things turn around when I'm on semester break in 3 weeks.

Much love,
Karlee.xo

How do I cope? Well, I can be really, really angry at times. Sometimes at nothing. I need something to vent at.

I might furiously type up angry letters which are later erased before they're sent.
Or I might be really passive-aggressive at times. I'm convinced that it's partially the bad hormones, I have little to no control over it. It just comes and passes.

Or I might angrily fume as I think about people who have wronged me. No shortage of those on my enemies list.
Meanwhile, inner me just shrugs and continues to wail in the dark abyss.

I find it funny that I also feel awkward talking to my psychologist about it, seeing how open I am about trauma and feelings and stuff.  I guess there's just something inherently awkward about "I want to be a girl now."  It may be the feeling that what you're saying is a type of "crazy", so you're afraid to bring it up to people for fear of being shamed or ostracized.  Another thing that I think is holding me back is that feeling of "what if I'm wrong?", where I'm worried about how people will treat me if I go too far down this path and then decide I want to turn around: no one wants to be perceived as the kind of person who transitions on a whim then changes their mind later...