So, seven hours ago I had my sixth session with an amazing therapist.
I've been dressing since, literally, I cannot remember. I have no idea what I first wore or from whom I borrowed clothes but i have memories of raiding my sisters and my mums wardrobes and have a photos of me aged four rocking a gingham dress... I've dressed my whole life, as many have, off and on, depending on circumstance.
Five or six years ago I decided that clothing alone was not enough. I wasn't ready to transition but needed to be more true to my female self. I did a lot of research and sourced an anti-androgen, Androcur. I sourced this from the Internet for six months before getting cold feet and stopping taking it. I did this a couple of times before committing and two years ago, I started a proper regime. The effects have been awesome. Don't get me wrong, I long for the effects of estrogen but need to figure out work and home life issues before I can start that dream drug. As it is, I get loss of random male stuff (awesome), loss of body hair (not a really hairy person but I'll take this) and just a general attitude realxation!
I finally decide that this is me so commit to making it real and start to see a therapist (as I said and amazing one) who refers me to an endocrinologist. I've since seen this therapist a few times, the doctor once. I've been transferred from an Internet purchased anti-androgen to Spiro thats regulated and all seems well.
So, my reason for posting? Well, I'm in a good place, I have great people around me and, for the time being, a supportive partner. The big thing for me though is starting E and then surgery. However much I long for the effects of these, my anxiety has always been a massive road block. Then, out of the blue, tonight, after a meeting with my therapist everything seems possible. I've always felt ready for surgery but stressed about E as it makes every thing more public. Tonight, I feel like I can take on the world and that I don't need to hide any more. I actually feel like I could survive as Tammy.
My experience today has made me wonder, has anyone else had this kind of 'breaking free' moment?
Love Tammy x
