I hear you, Blackwater. You are overwhelmed with disappointment about being denied the gift of pregnancy and birthing a baby. You are among your peers here in this forum. We are all living through the exact same experience as you are having, that is, the denial of pregnancy. I won't lie to you; it is a sad and sorry state of affairs. These are the cards that every trans woman on the planet have been dealt.
The life of a transsexual is not without gifts and advantages. For those of us who survive our teens and twenties and into our thirties, we (hopefully) learn to balance out the hardships of being transsexual by recognizing and playing up the benefits.
No one can make another person choose to live. That is a choice we must each make in the privacy of our own minds and hearts. But know this: you are loved! If you kill yourself, many here will weep for you. It is the rarest of young person in our civilization who does not have many people in her life who would not be deeply and adversely affected by the untimely death of that youth. You really are loved. You are one of us. Every time one of us gives up and ends her life, it puts us all on less stable ground; the sadness and suffering that can go along with being transsexual looms larger and more ominous when one of our own chooses death over life.
I promise you that every unhappiness, every struggle, contains the seed of an equivalent or better benefit; this is the law of compensation as described by Ralph Waldo Emerson. And it is absolutely true. It is up to us to identify and nurture that seed of equivalent benefit. Coming together and standing up for each other as we do here in this forum is one excellent way to discover, in time, what potential benefit the adversity holds for each of us personally. And for those who choose to nurture that seed, that is the beginning of recovery from the suffering-of-the-mind that gender dysphoria causes so many of us.
Yo, Blackwaters, as farfetched as it sounds, I love you. You are one of us. We are stronger together than we could ever be individually. Losing you would be a major blow to us all and to our cause of justice and human rights for all.
Just sayin'.