Okay so, just today I finally made an appointment with my new therapist, not sure how long it'll still be before I can start everything, but have said first appointment in about a week.

And anyway, all the fear and no no no has been going a bit rough oceans the past week or two, and right now I'm basically super panicking.

I keep constantly getting these, nope, don't need/don't want to do this feeling, but at the same exact time I know if I don't I'll never be happy, and it's what I need and want to do. It's kinda nerve wrecking feeling both at once.

Remember, YOU are in control of this process. You tell the care providers how you want to proceed. YOU start HRT and YOU can stop it. You're in the driver's seat now. You can monitor how you are doing and take care of yourself. It's just a little pill. Either you will feel good when you take it ... or you won't!

I can totally relate to that ......i get much the same feelings  but as said  you are in control actually reading that made me feel better about my doc,s appointment  next week i was referred to her by the lgbt  community  service here ..... but still breaking the ice is going g to be intresting .......

No no no, it's not about control, I know I want to start as soon as possible. I just start hyperventilating and getting all panicky whenever I think about how next week I'm seeing my new therapist.

All of it has nothing to do with control, I don't know why I panic, like I said, I panic that I can't do this, that I'm making a mistake, and yet at the same exact time I know this is what I want and need to do, otherwise my life will be miserable. Yet still, and it just leaves me a good chunk of the day feeling all churny inside.

Good old fashion fear. You are safe where you are but very uncomfortable. Going into the new life is an unknown. Will you fail, will you run out of options, what will others think of you, there is so much to do and how can I do it all. There are a thousand things to fear but you need to remember, what ever the outcome, if you face it you will be happy, something you haven't been for a while. We will be here to help you with each step and you can alway change your mind if you  don't like it but I think you will.

Quote from: Reyes on September 27, 2016, 03:21:33 AM
Okay so, just today I finally made an appointment with my new therapist, not sure how long it'll still be before I can start everything, but have said first appointment in about a week.

And anyway, all the fear and no no no has been going a bit rough oceans the past week or two, and right now I'm basically super panicking.

I keep constantly getting these, nope, don't need/don't want to do this feeling, but at the same exact time I know if I don't I'll never be happy, and it's what I need and want to do. It's kinda nerve wrecking feeling both at once.

I flip and flop and tell myself I am crazy and all of that...but when I think about the things that make me want to say stop,get off the ride, don't go any further...they are not caused because I have any doubt that I am a woman but because of what I have to put up with from society in general and the impacts this has had and is having on my own family again because of how society views and treats me.

You are doing this for you and you are in control ...there is no book of rules or directions to follow. You will know when you are happy ...I know that for all the pitfalls ahead of me, I do find real happiness when I am just being the person I really am...me!

Take care

Liz

    You are not alone my first GT appointment is in 3 weeks sometimes I am ok most of the time I am a wreck it feels like getting to the top of one huge rollercoaster should be one heck of a ride

   bobbisue

Quote from: Reyes on September 27, 2016, 03:21:33 AM
I keep constantly getting these, nope, don't need/don't want to do this feeling, but at the same exact time I know if I don't I'll never be happy, and it's what I need and want to do. It's kinda nerve wrecking feeling both at once.

This is what you must focus on.  Focus on what you know, NOT on what you feel.  I realize that that may sound counter-intuitive, as the very core of our gender identity is based on what we feel.  But once you know for certain that what you're doing is the right path for you, you must not let your day-to-day emotions get in the way.  You are an intelligent human being, not a primal beast that is controlled by instincts.  Tap into the rational aspects of your mind and focus on that.  You can do this.