Ok this will probably sound disjointed putting my thoughts and feelings into words is very difficult for me. People ask me how I'm feeling and I sit there with a dumb look on my face. So please bear with me.
You probably heard a lot of what I am going to say before.

Yes as a child I felt different. My dad always jokes about how I always walked around on my tip-toes. I would tuck and cross my legs and when my hair was long pull it down an strike a feminine pose in the mirror, and wonder what it would be like to be a girl. That got put in the back of my mind after my biological daughter was born. I was the one to get up at 2 am for changes and feedings. I left with my daughter because I couldn't leave her with her mother ( that's another story).  Still with my feelings bottled up in didn't have time to worry about my feelings. I met my SO a little wile later she had 3 of her own 2 around my daughters age and one older. So needless to say I put the feelings farther on the back burner and worried about being a dad and the bread winner. There have been lots of times I just wanted to sit in a corner and cry but being dad and dad doesn't cry. My kids grew up and I having the same job since they were small (I'm the maintenance man lol )  . I wind up out of town lots and wind up alone at night and the feelings start hitting me again. So is how I wound up here in a nut shell.

I've  got parts of me screaming shut up quite being a winer and delete that.

Just a little add on

South I finally decided to stop fighting this tooth and name any more.

Hi Kevinwg,
   It sounds like you did a pretty good job of explaining. I don't know if it helps to know that it is probably a very rare person on this site who hasn't had conflicting feelings. It goes with the territory. Telling yourself to shut off your feelings won't work. I would bet a lot of money that your feelings will never disappear. So are you at a point of needing to move off of status quo? If you are, the obvious thing to do is to get information to figure out what your possible solutions might be. Talking to a therapist is often helpful. Also, maybe cross dressing could give you some insight. I would say do things that will give you some experience on how you feel and react. My feelings only got stronger as I got older. I experienced things that told me full transition was right for me. There are a whole range of possible coping strategies short of that though. It is an investigative process to figure out what will satisfy you. My opinion, don't sit there and be miserable. I did that and it stinks. Put the effort in to figure it out. Good Luck
Monica

It's always been hard for me with feelings always had to be the strong silent type. It's so ingrained in me from all the father figures in my life.

As I am working away I get hit again with " my God what are you doing "

I might be adding more to this post because it takes me a while to form thoughts into words
I'm sorry  if I seem to be babbling.

You are fine. I give you great credit for trying to do something that is hard for you. The easy things are the things we do well, that we've done all our lives. To make progress you have to tackle the things that are hard sometimes. Being the strong, silent type sounds tough to deal with if that is not what you want.
Monica

Everybody cries and the only difference is it on the outside where everybody sees it or is it on the inside. This is something that has been on the inside for so many years and it is going to be difficult for you to get it out and become comfortable with it. We understand this because most of us had to deal with what you are facing now. Take as many posts as you need to get your feelings out and feel free to ask us questions as that is why we are here.

Don't feel ashamed or embarrassed about what you feel because you are dealing with something most people have never had to face. The rules are you have lived with for so many years have only hurt you so it's time for you to get the help that you deserve and have earned.

So I was relaxing tonight and thinking about how to get rid of some body hair without my wife noticing. Not a chance in that but the mustache can only lyrics been sporting it for 20 - 25 years lol but it has to go. Guess that's step one. My tattoos not sure if they are even that feminine only have 2 to tank tops are out later lol.

There is a laser tattoo removal process but it's somewhat dependent on the type of ink that was used to produce the original tattoo. You should speak to an expert on it as I avoided all tattoo and haven't had any real world experience with them. It might also be possible to feminize them as some women have tattoo sleeves.

As for tank tops, I can't wear them because I have shoulders like a foot ball player and tank tops make them look even bigger. Many MTFs don't have that problem and look good in tank tops.

So with the mustache gone I am bracing for when I go home today and see what my wife thinks.

To answer any earlier question, yes I thought a boutique cross dressing but my wife's clothing is only lady's stuff in the house. She's size 22 - 24 and I'm size 10.  I'm 5' 11" and 130 lbs. I was 6' but lost some hight due to breaking my heels. Plus she's home all the time.

Have you ever stood in front of a mirror with a sheet that you've wrapped around you to look like a dress? If not, it's very silly and you should try it. 

Feeling a little guilty and anxious. Guilty because I don't like keeping secrets from my wife but I know now is not the time. Anxious I want to talk to someone but my boss has been keeping me out of town so much it's hard to make any appointments.

And thank you all for listening to my ranting

Another note about cross dressing at home even if I talked to my wife about it. It would be weird because our youngest boy is staying with us at this time and we live in a small 2 bedroom apartment and he's not working.

Quote from: Kevinwg on September 30, 2016, 01:12:03 PM
Another note about cross dressing at home even if I talked to my wife about it. It would be weird because our youngest boy is staying with us at this time and we live in a small 2 bedroom apartment and he's not working.

Your son will eventually make his life choices. I've kept my secrets for 40 years. I finally decided how can I love somebody else if I don't love me first.   Once I made that determination things started to get better real fast.  I was like Atlas holding the world on my shoulders.  Now I have no stress at all, it is so liberating. I still can't dress in front of them but as my HRT continues I will eventually. My family has been awesome.

On my drive back from where I was working it's a 2 hour drive. I thought I'm going to buy my self and outfit this weekend as I am out of town again next week and I have a room to my self. Boy am I stupid lol

Hi Kevin,

When I am away I keep my therapy sessions and use my phone. Sometimes the phone is better and sometimes in person is better.

You are dealing with a lot right now. When dysphoria gets to the point when you must do something it is frightening, lean on us.

I was in a similar position where, when I was ready, I had to explain to my wife what was going on. You are not alone. 

Where there is a will, there is a way! Everyone on this site probably knows how strong that "will" can be when it comes to transgender feelings. Please keep in mind that many people who talk to you on this site who have changed their lives because of these feelings, started out saying a lot of "can't's" and "I could never do that's." Count me as one of those. Somehow people find the strength to do amazing things. It can be hard to go from hiding and shame to being proud. We all deserve to be proud of who and what we are.
Monica

I only wish I could have someone go with me shopping lol now I'm getting into different territory. I'm totally clueless on styles and what would look good on me. But I will deal

Went shopping got so flustered that I went home again gona try again tomorrow.