I live as male and I'm not on HRT yet, but I've progressively been making my appearance more androgynous and as a result, strangers (always males) are more frequently giving me s*** about how I look. So far, they've always backed down because I respond without fear, but afterwards, even though I'm usually more understanding of our foibles, I find myself thinking, "I'm glad my appearance bothered them. I hope it ruins their day."

I rather not be so defensive and vindictive, so I'm retraining myself to keep these situations in context and laugh them off. Also, I think as I become more out and accepted by more people as transgender, most of this issue will resolve effortlessly. Still, though, I wanted to turn to Susan's, since I'm sure many have dealt with this here, and ask how you were able to live with a lighter heart.

i know how you feel in this situation 'autumn08' and its sometimes difficult to handle, i have issues with socially transiting yet, its something i work on everyday by taking little steps to present myself in away that feels comfortable to my self without breaking that barrier of oh! i have to go as him today. yes other people don't really matter as much because they're not you but that doesn't stop us feeling that kind of anxiety, i've had people look at me in strange ways while I'm walking down the street and as much as it plays around with the anxiety i have, i tend to look the opposite way rather than say something, i've never had anyone say anything to my face yet but I'm sure I'll experience it at some point in the future, if those kinds of people make comments or looks in this manor then my guess would be that they have a lack of understanding or simply have a dislike and while you can correct that by educating them a little you don't have to justify you're self, we choose to walk, talk, dress or do anything in life ourselves without the need or interference of negative comments by people that judge, bully or try to make you feel awkward, yes society has its rules but there's a difference between breaking rules and going by how you feel comfortable as a human being, in regards to loosing it a little, I'd maybe suggest ignoring them which will get to them more than you as you're not biting back, or polity say excuse me its got nothing to do with you, i would assume either would work and your not aggravating the situation anymore than you would be by being defensive and vindictive. i hope this helps

Alexa

If anyone gives me deliberate hassle without cause I hope I ruin their day, or that they fall down a hole. It's cause and effect.

I hardly ever experience this stuff though. Living in a rural area helps. People are generally less obnoxious, as are the local young people.

Thank you T.K.G.W. and Alexa for responding. 

I had a full night's rest and my mind has been occupied with other things since the incident that set me off, so I'm now able to look at it more objectively and I'm glad these things are happening, because they're forcing me to readjust my exterior perception of myself.

I already understood discrimination fairly well, even though some of my white conservative family members claim it doesn't exist (unless it comes from Obama), because I've had many events where some guys didn't like me just because of the way I look (I'm half-Thai), with a few of these events coming to blows, so I don't think I needed that learning experience again. These recent events, though, like the one yesterday, where some big guy was yelling at me, "You're not gay, right?!" "Come on, let's <Not Permitted>!" and I was yelling back, "What difference does that make?!" "Why don't you go <Not Permitted> yourself!" are forcing me to acknowledge that much of the world probably doesn't view me as a regular guy anymore, which is probably helping me to not feel like I need to act like one anymore.

This is very beneficial for me, because who I am and who I've trained myself to be are still somewhat convoluted, so I still can't fully enjoy being myself and unless I'm among close friends, I still feel that I always need to be very manly.

Anger can be productively galvanizing, but I dislike feeling vindictive, because I've seen how feeling that other people deserve their fate, rather than viewing the world objectively, causes callousness and tribalism, but I think this phase will pass quickly, so I'm happy that I'm going through this process.

In my opinion, manly is as manly does. Rather than get into a slanging match with idiots, I tend to ignore them, or if they insist on coming close give them a good old fashioned baleful glare and the silent treatment. No signs whatsoever showing that anything they might have said has gotten to me in the least bit. Silence is an interesting thing - it actually empowers you, particularly in a setting with fewer people. They have no idea if their words are bothering you or not, but if you shoot back and yell or insult them, you've basically given away that you're on the same level and trying to keep face. Some people prefer to do this, but I prefer to unnerve bullies and idiots by giving them no clues at all as to what kind of opponent I am until it's too late. Perhaps it works well because people tend not to bother me very much.

With those kinds of people, they probably aren't going to lose any sleep at night if you shoot something back at them, or be hurt by your words either... unlike the effect it appears to be having on you. So if it's detrimental to you to feel this way, try not to even care about these sorts of people or the nonsense they come out with. Remember if they are nobodies you're never going to cross paths with again, what they say isn't important, and it's not really worth risking physical confrontation just to prove yourself to these people.

Quote from: T.K.G.W. on September 29, 2016, 07:27:27 PM
In my opinion, manly is as manly does. Rather than get into a slanging match with idiots, I tend to ignore them, or if they insist on coming close give them a good old fashioned baleful glare and the silent treatment. No signs whatsoever showing that anything they might have said has gotten to me in the least bit. Silence is an interesting thing - it actually empowers you, particularly in a setting with fewer people. They have no idea if their words are bothering you or not, but if you shoot back and yell or insult them, you've basically given away that you're on the same level and trying to keep face. Some people prefer to do this, but I prefer to unnerve bullies and idiots by giving them no clues at all as to what kind of opponent I am until it's too late. Perhaps it works well because people tend not to bother me very much.

With those kinds of people, they probably aren't going to lose any sleep at night if you shoot something back at them, or be hurt by your words either... unlike the effect it appears to be having on you. So if it's detrimental to you to feel this way, try not to even care about these sorts of people or the nonsense they come out with. Remember if they are nobodies you're never going to cross paths with again, what they say isn't important, and it's not really worth risking physical confrontation just to prove yourself to these people.

That's great advice and I normally try to follow it. The reason I didn't ignore this guy, though, was because we were in a crowded area, with many people listening, which sparked my pride and made me want to show that when someone treats us like that, we aren't afraid to fight back.

You're right that my words probably didn't make him lose any sleep that night, but my hope was that my existance and the fact that I'm not going away, might (probably not, though).

As long as you're prepared to fight - literally - I guess. As it might well happen if you step up. In a crowded place like that it could go either way, but I suspect in front of many people they would be more likely back down than escalate.

Feeling angry and vindictive are normal feelings in this situation. As long as it doesn't become your default setting, I think you're fine. Focus on being calm and at peace with yourself. People get taken over by vindictiveness when they have deep fears and paranoia.

Quote from: autumn08 on September 28, 2016, 07:50:45 PM"I'm glad my appearance bothered them. I hope it ruins their day."

I wouldn't feel bad about this.  Anyone who would judge a person on their appearance and then have the GALL to actually CONFRONT them about it deserves to feel bad.  So what if men look feminine, or women look mannish?  So what if someone dresses or keeps their hair different?  So what if someone has a different height, weight, or skin color?  Other people's lives are none of their business, and they should just shut their faces before someone else judges them.

What you should really worry about is how it affects YOU: don't feel bad about these bad people.  Some people just look for reasons to be mean to others, and you don't want to let them get you down.

Thank you for your advice, everyone! I appreciate the support.