Well this kind of hurt told my wife was going for a bath (haven't done that since I broke my heels 6 years ago) she say said why. I replied I kind of miss it.
Her : you usually shower your such a manly man.

I have kept up this facade for so long .... I just don't know

I have the overwhelming urge to shut it all back down. My wife loves her manly man. My boss is a mental abusing jerk.

My wife has some health issues and depression.

You have two options. You can face it now or you can try to stuff it all back in the bottle and hope it goes away. It won't and at some point in the future you will come back to it hurting even worst. We have many people who tell stories like this and some of them may have put off dealing with their issues for as much as 20 years. The one thing they have in common is that they wish they had done it at a younger age. The decision is yours and I hope you find happiness.

I am so sorry if I bummed anyone out. I am having an incredibly bad day. I shouldn't have posted that.

We all have bad days and it worst before we get the transition rolling. The urge pushing us forward and we are up against a wall with no where to go. After you get into therapy it starts improving, getting HRT helps more. Starting to see that passing becomes possible is a really big boost. Any time you are down, feel free to come here because everybody knows where you are as they have been there as well.

You're here for support and we're here to provide it. Please don't feel like sharing your thoughts is unwelcome.

Took a few selfies to upload for avatar. I think I will wait a bit on that. I feel I look like an old farmer with the full silver hair.

I hope that if I can get on HRT that it will fill out my face some. I have always been ultra slim. My wife complains that I eat and she gains weight and I'm the only one that could lay on the couch for 3 months and loose weight. That was when I was down with my heels.

I was off HRT for 10 years and one day I took a real good look in the mirror and saw how drawn out my face looked. I started looking around for somebody to prescribe estrogen and now after 7 months, I can see many changes that have taken place. My dosage is low so I am not sure how noticeable the changes are to others but they happen. The first sign was I had blue circles under my eyes and within a month enough fat had deposited there to remove the blue.

As your T levels drop, you will find it easer to gain weight. I have seen some girls that this has been a real problem with so check your weight from time to time so it doesn't get out of control.

HRT is pretty much reversible for the 1st three months. I knew in 3 weeks I would never be off HRT, it felt so right. There is low dose and transitioning dose. Your transition is the way you want it and at the time you can handle it. There is no right or wrong way, just your way.

I struggled with very bad dysphoria for a very long time. I am on my transition journey and although I have had my ups and downs I would do it again. Taking control of my gender was the best thing I did. I had the help of a good gender therapist which was so important for me.

I have been reading the rules for getting on HRT in Alberta and I don't know if the would let me. Here they are still treating it as a mental illness.
I'm being such a yo-yo right now.

You may want to check with local LGBT groups for help with navigating the system in order to start HRT.  I am not familiar with Alberta's requirements, but a quick Google showed that, back in 2012, they followed the WPATH Standards of Care Version 6.  Version 7 is current now, and I would hope that they have upgraded their requirements to use it.

WPATH SoC V7 requires a "hormone readiness assessment" by a mental health professional, after which you can start HRT.  I just finished my assessment (in Nova Scotia), and it was a painless three hours total with a psychologist.  They just ask you about your history, so they know it really is gender dysphoria not some other problem, and they tell you about the effects of hormones, so that your consent is informed.  That's it.  Because it is an international standard, Alberta should be the same unless they are still using version 6.

Can't find anything about what version alberta is using. It seems so daunting. Keep running into referral required I can't even get an appointment with my doctor in under a month. I am quite sure he doesn't have a clue on any of this.

I'm normally not like this as in I don't talk much unless I have to.

I feel the same way about Alberta's situation. I don't even have a doctor since mine retired over 2 years ago... I am going to be contacting a friend's doctor who is supposed to be LGTBQ friendly... I can let you know if I have any more insight after coming out of that...

Sent from my SM-G870W using Tapatalk

I hear you on the waiting lists!  It reminds me of my Air Force days: "hurry up and wait".

They were going to make me wait three months for my assessment.  I jumped the queue by going to a private therapist, no referral required (and minimal waiting).  But I got a referral anyway so we could claim the cost on my wife's insurance.  My doctor doesn't have a clue about this stuff either, but she is happy to write me a referral letter if I ask for one. 

Insurance that's another issue I'm the only one working an don't have company insurance. We had once but my boss cancelled them with no warning. God I got to get a new job.

I got to stop babbling

The more we know about you the more we can help you. Look at how much more you already have learned with the information you have provided.

I know but like I have said before. I'm not use to talking. Guess growing up with the rule children are seen and not heard dosent help either. So i just learned to keep my mouth shut.

Keeping your mouth shut goes against my treatment model. My model says that we remain clammed up until we come out and then we develop diarrhea of the mouth for months. We have so much to say and explore that it's difficult to remain silent. I had few people to talk to as I lived by my self and didn't have friends or neighbors to talk with but when I was around people I could talk with, I would be happy to talk till 1 or 2 am on a work night. The rules you learned in the past don't apply here and be happy about it.

Well so far this has been my only outlet. Don't really have any friends and don't socialise. Just a little shock to my system all this coming out. Sorta makes my head spin