I've been on hormones for 10 months now, and it hasn't been the roughest ride, but there have been moments of discomfort, and doubts about what I was doing. It would scare the crap out of me. I was doing quite well for a while, and my last recorded lab tests two months ago were 180 E, and 20 T. All of a sudden, over the past two weeks, I have been having feelings of doubt, tiredness, no energy at all, no emotion, confusion, and dysphoria. It's terrifying me to think it's cause I'm making a mistake or something. For some reason I'm getting that slight "Want to jump out of my skin" feeling, and I can't even find the passion to be excited for what's happening. And worse yet, It's like I can't imagine myself female anymore, and that bothers the Hell out of me. I feel almost lost at the moment. I don't know why, but I sure am scared for what this could mean. I was so sure about this. The thought made me so happy in the beginning. Now, in these two weeks, out of nowhere, I feel more doubtful than ever. I wish I knew. I can't see my therapist for another week. Someone help. I was doing well for a while. *cries*

I am so sorry, dear.  I have strugged with the feeling of making a mistake for years.......it took me 21 years of thinking about it and being terrified to do it before I started hormones.  Doubt is normal.  Transitioning is a big deal!  Is there anyway it is anxiety that you are subconsciously projecting onto your body?  Or major depression?  When I have a major depressive episode I almost always project my emotional pain onto my body.  Please hang in there until your appointment, sweetie. 

Sweetie, I'm concerned and sorry to hear you're scared.

Do you think this could be related to your decision to come out? Like so many of the steps along the way this is a big one and I know as I cross milestones I can get surprisingly shaken.

I think HRT reduces or eliminates the dysphoria which gives rise to the feeling that you're not really trans. Lots of women on here have reported that feeling. Apparently if you stop HRT the dysphoria comes back with a vengeance.

I've been on HRT for 8 months myself and can relate to what you're feeling. I occasionally 'think what am I doing', and 'I must be insane to be doing this'. I then sit down and reflect on how I'd feel if I had to live the rest of my life as a man and this sets me right back on course. This might be worth trying. Try visualising what your life will be like as a woman, how you'll feel, how you'll be addressed etc. This helps me immensely.

Hope this helps.

Jx

Hon, i'm so sorry you are feeling that way. As someone who experienced a lifetime of anxiety, i know it really is horrible.

Stopping is definitely an option, but as others have pointed out (many with experience), the return of the dysphoria may be worse than before. Change usually causes feeling of uneasiness and often bouts of sadness, you are definitely not alone. Panic attacks are just one manifestation of "change is happening and my ability to go back is slipping away from me" Anxiety basically. Here is what i do when i am feeling down and therapy is a week away.

1. Get with supportive friends (including this community) more.
2. Get outside - something about being outside is calming and breaks the cycle of negative feelings at time.
3. Exercise in general including the gym.
4. Positive visualization - look at the positives and tell yourself them (out loud really helps too)
5. Get away from the electronics for longer periods of time - read a paper book in a coffee shop or library. There is something about the blue light that comes from all of these screens that is stimulating in a negative way.
6. Shopping therapy that one always helps me a lot.

Hugs to you and hope you are doing better today.

Quote from: JS UK on October 05, 2016, 11:57:28 AM
I think HRT reduces or eliminates the dysphoria which gives rise to the feeling that you're not really trans.

Very interesting.  That makes quite a bit of sense.  If you don't feel like there is as much dysphoria because hrt has balanced your brain then maybe it feels like your transness has left you.  I've never thought of that.  Perhaps it's a feeling closer to "normal" that a lot of us have never felt before so it is unfamiliar.

Quote from: Pisces228 on October 05, 2016, 03:06:22 PM
Very interesting.  That makes quite a bit of sense.  If you don't feel like there is as much dysphoria because hrt has balanced your brain then maybe it feels like your transness has left you.  I've never thought of that.  Perhaps it's a feeling closer to "normal" that a lot of us have never felt before so it is unfamiliar.

Really good point. After starting HRT i said a number of times to therapists and loved ones..."so this is how all people feel most of the time? "

Quote from: JS UK on October 05, 2016, 11:57:28 AM
I think HRT reduces or eliminates the dysphoria which gives rise to the feeling that you're not really trans. Lots of women on here have reported that feeling. Apparently if you stop HRT the dysphoria comes back with a vengeance.

This is absolutely true, and I tried stopping a number of times in the first year or so. It never lasted long, all my problems came back worse than before. It wasn't much fun at the time, but it gave me a lot of "confidence" that I'm trans even when I don't feel it. No doubts.

I'm sorry you are scared. You are not alone.  Life would be easier if we could live cis lives, as Robyn said you can stop. I've gone 40 plus years trying to handle this.  I've noticed in my life that if I'm in a cycle of being "busy" there isn't a lot of time to dwell on this aspect of life. In your post nothing was mentioned if there is something else going on too.  I've made choices in life and have family responsibilities that I feel come first.  My spouse, is frustrated about my dual identity and wishes I would commit one way or the other. She sees that I'm not truly happy.(thus she is not happy) I started HRT about 2 months ago. I love it, yet still stress over the changes and realization that I really still have years before I could transition full time. I get thoughts of is this worth it? All this to say, The desire may leave for a season, but for me, it always comes back. My spouse requested that I stop purging. Thus, I just try and live one day at a time.  I wish you the best in deciding what is right for you.

Deanna

Quote from: RedheadWhovian on October 04, 2016, 07:47:21 PM
I've been on hormones for 10 months now ... there have been moments of discomfort, and doubts ... would scare the crap out of me. I was doing quite well for a while, and my last recorded lab tests two months ago were 180 E, and 20 T. ... over the past two weeks, I have been having feelings of doubt, tiredness, no energy at all, no emotion, confusion, and dysphoria. It's terrifying me to think it's cause I'm making a mistake or something. For some reason I'm getting that slight "Want to jump out of my skin" feeling, and I can't even find the passion to be excited for what's happening. And worse yet, It's like I can't imagine myself female anymore, and that bothers the Hell out of me. I feel almost lost at the moment. I don't know why, but I sure am scared for what this could mean. ... I can't see my therapist for another week. Someone help. I was doing well for a while. *cries*

I saw some of your recent posts and notice you had one apparent acquaintance who was considering rejecting you for religious reasons, and another situation where you were asked to "disguise" yourself at an important event you were invited to in order to hide any gender variance.  Such events are forms of rejection of aspects of who you are.

25 years old is a young age, and it by itself is rife with all sorts of stressors... school issues, career, loans, choices to live at home or away, and on and on. If you add transition on top of that, with HRT, plus a plethora of rejections like those mentioned above, I'd say you need to be much more compassionate and understanding with yourself about what you're going through. In case you don't know, knock knock... You are going through a lot!

I would definitely recommend talking about things in therapy, and if you feel it's the right thing, you might talk with your trans-friendly HRT physician ... my HRT care provider has turned out to be a great person to bounce things off of... it's not the same thing as therapy, but in the short visits, I can ask questions, discuss some ponderings and so forth, and often get good input based on a wealth of anecdotal information given the scope of trans patients my doctor works with. Just wanted to mention that because it may seem nonobvious that a gp might be good person to share feelings with. I don't know for certain, but my understanding is that in some geographic areas a gp is bound by the same level of confidentiality as a therapist.

I think the one thing you want to be careful of is misinterpreting your down moments. I mean, given what I read about some of those rejections you experienced, they have to be tremendously invalidating... at the very least, they didn't sound like interactions with supportive people that would build one's esteem.

You've obviously taken some wonderful steps... I'd talk about this in therapy and possibly with your doctor... I hope you have a really caring therapist... this is good stuff to work out there.