(I don't promote drug use. Also, I rarely smoke and I've never tried hard drugs.)

I was smoking with my best friend and this is the most vivid I have ever been able to see that I'm a girl who was raised to be extremely tough and manly. Before tonight I primarily thought about my gender in a logical way, as a collection of affinities that I need to placate in order to be at my best (not a very emotional way of thinking), but now I'm able to subjectively look at myself, but with understanding and vaguely as a whole. I won't bore you with a description of myself and I'll probably primarily go back to my old way of thinking in the morning, but I think this is a sign of progress, so I wanted to record it.

Also, even though life has been hard and continues to be hard, I'm normally, like now, at peace, which I'm very thankful for. I'm really doing my best to be my best, so when I'm old and dying I can say, "I'll miss this, but it was great and it's time."

One more thing. I'm moving as slowly and methodically as possible with transitioning, because I don't want it impede other goals in my life, but when I put my mind to something, I always see it through, so I think it really will happen, which both excites me and scares me.

I'm sorry for the random person at the bar rant. I'll probably be embarrassed in the morning, but I rarely feel happy for more than a few minutes, so I wanted to share it.

I smoke marijuana for medical reasons for pain pills and muscle relaxers were making it impossible to function. I seem to not get the side affects some people have.

I have enough issues with food to not consider drugs. It's bad enough I take bp and thyroid meds.


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Thank you Cheryl and Gertrude for replying. 

I wish I wrote my original post in a more pointed manner with a clear question at the end.

What I really wanted to ask was how did you start viewing yourself as your gender? For some it seems innate (I suspect because they're very in tune with their emotions, but I really don't know the reason), but for me it has been a process of delineating who I innately am, how that has manifested through my circumstances, and then in my most lucid moments realizing, "wow, I'm such a girl."

There is still so much I don't understand.

This is a difficult question.  I think that for me it has mainly been a slow process of mentally shedding the disguise I spent so many years hiding in.  This might seem to be an easy thing but it really isn't.  When you have lived inside that avatar for so long things get blurred and sorting out what is innate and what is added on takes a while.  Most of it isn't totally conscious and just takes a while for the add-ons to dissolve away on their own.  Eventually though what is left is what is real. 

It's still an ongoing process and I'm not yet sure where it will end.  Also, another important aspect is the mirror and being able to see a true reflection emerging.  This would not have been possible without HRT.

Thank you for replying, Deborah. 

I completely agree with you.

Also, you made a great point about being able to see yourself in the mirror. I've always hated having my picture taken, partly because it feels false to me to hold myself in an emotion, but also I think because I was protecting myself. Before this last year, partly to avoid my dysphoria, partly because of my upbringing, and partly because of flawed philosophical reasoning (which in itself was partly self serving), I just viewed myself in a functionalist way.

It's a very pseudo-macho way of thinking; I just did what created the most good, but it was untenable because of it's philosophical holes.

I know I can't go back to that way of thinking, because it would be too much of an insult to myself and what I believe in (the thought makes me feel revolted). When I look at myself kindly, I'm really amazed that I survived that period and like last night, I feel hopeful because I know that life can be so much better than our present imaginations will allow us to believe.

Drugs have never made me reflect on gender issues,certain ones allowed me to be functional to work til now you have to pass drug screenings to work,so I finally took my social security disability 13 yrs ago. I'm very aware of who I am,and always on guard when around people,especially men don't trust em even though I'm suppose to be one. Marijuana works differently with each individual,like my gabapentin does.

Quote from: autumn08 on October 09, 2016, 07:36:43 PM
Thank you Cheryl and Gertrude for replying. 

I wish I wrote my original post in a more pointed manner with a clear question at the end.

What I really wanted to ask was how did you start viewing yourself as your gender? For some it seems innate (I suspect because they're very in tune with their emotions, but I really don't know the reason), but for me it has been a process of delineating who I innately am, how that has manifested through my circumstances, and then in my most lucid moments realizing, "wow, I'm such a girl."

There is still so much I don't understand.

In starting to think that being transgender isn't male or female but both. Yes there is usually a bias towards one part of the binary or the other, but in some ways unique too. The nature of the society we currently live seems to require a discreet choice. This works better for some and not others. I think if we didn't have strong social constructs, we'd see a more spectrum of expression. That said, we know we're different and the aha is knowing we aren't what we've been raised to believe so what's left? If the fits, great.


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Quote from: Gertrude on October 10, 2016, 06:59:17 PM
In starting to think that being transgender isn't male or female but both. Yes there is usually a bias towards one part of the binary or the other, but in some ways unique too. The nature of the society we currently live seems to require a discreet choice. This works better for some and not others. I think if we didn't have strong social constructs, we'd see a more spectrum of expression. That said, we know we're different and the aha is knowing we aren't what we've been raised to believe so what's left? If the fits, great.


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That's a great point. Thinking about gender as a spectrum was also a very helpful concept for me.

When I look at gender at objectively, I still think about it as a collection of affinities that society either deems masculine or feminine, and that at some shifting point, if you have enough of the affinities of the opposite sex, by society's standard your gender is more like the one attributed to the opposite sex than your birth sex.

I already knew that innately my gender is across that shifting point (I think wanting to be the opposite sex is an automatic qualifier), but I still couldn't view my entire self subjectively. I still felt genderless, but also knew that I'm transgender, which are mutually exclusive concepts (except in the case of non-binary individuals, who would be equally uncomfortable fully being either sex).

I still don't know how far beyond the gender line I am (that will take more time and action), but this nascent subjective sense of my gender and ability to see myself through the filter of my gender, are nice.

I love how smoking herb makes me so in tune with my body and my femininity. I get tingly all over :-)

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I find it helps to think of gender in terms of active social construction -- namely, how do people gender me?  And, in turn, how do I feel about that gendering?  And I'm an active participant in that process -- how do I feel when I gender myself in a particular way?

Please note that this exercise is all about examining your feelings, not about figuring out what gender "is."

Quote from: Sophia Sage on October 11, 2016, 03:52:30 PM
I find it helps to think of gender in terms of active social construction -- namely, how do people gender me?  And, in turn, how do I feel about that gendering?  And I'm an active participant in that process -- how do I feel when I gender myself in a particular way?

Please note that this exercise is all about examining your feelings, not about figuring out what gender "is."

Listening to how something feels is a great suggestion. Sometimes when I question if all of this is really worth it, I recall how life was before acknowledging myself as transgender and the answer is so glaring that I'm embarrassed that I needed to ask the question.

However, we often missattribute the source of our feelings. When trying convince someone of something, I realize I usually won't succeed unless I make it easier for the other person to accept what I'm trying to convince them of than to deny it. The reason being is that even if the logic is clearly against us, we still often believe we are right because it feels better to believe so and then we missattribute this action to having the stronger argument.

An example from my life that I can use to illustrate how we deceive ourselves and run from cognitive dissonance, is my racist uncle that I'm constantly in disagreement with. The essence of his arguments are that non-whites are inferior, but he doesn't label himself a racist. Therefore, I utilize this contradiction at the start of our arguments by having him affirm something he ostensibly believes that when I remind him of when he starts one his racist tirades, stops him from going in that direction (and which over time is creating a habit of him not thinking in that manner).

Since it's easier for him to not go in that direction than to go back on his word, he doesn't go in that direction, but if I didn't set the stage, it would have been easier for him to ignore what I'm saying and yell that I'm spouting liberal nonsense.

How this relates to a transgender person coming in tune with their gender, is that it's easy to imagine how it can feel better to believe we prefer a characteristic attributed to our birth sex, even though innately we prefer the opposite characteristic, and thus create a convoluted mess.

My point is that listening to your feelings is indispensable, but I just wanted to add that arduous reflection is often necessary for transgender people to understand their feelings in relation to their gender. My working theory is that the aim should be connect your past and present selves, and then to give this integrated self an emotional translation.