Hey all,
Just a message to say that I'm back again. I took some time off from the forum because I was struggling with my health and a depression, was unable to do anything for a while. This all changed mid July, when I got the "green light" to start transitioning, from the VU medical center in Amsterdam.
In retrospect, getting those hormones (estradiol and cypro) was all I needed to cure both my depression and my heart condition (the cardiologist was stunned). I instantly went fulltime, finally dared getting the wardrobe I wanted to have for so long. The hormones and the way my body started to feel because of them gave me the courage to go out on the street as myself and not care about being stared or laughed at anymore. I'm over it now and enjoying every second of living my authentic self. I know I'm not passable yet until I had some more operations, but I don't care anymore. This is me.
I've been on hormones for almost thee months now and the changes are huge! Physically, emotionally, socially, intellectually, sexually, everything changed! In a week from now I have a meeting with my psychologist for the first time since I started taking hormones and don't even know where to start. The first two months felt like I was taking XTC rather than hormones, never felt so happy in my life. Even called the hospital about it, but they told me that what I defined as "euphoric" actually is my normal state and I only believed it was euphoric, because I was depressed for such a ling time. People are constantly telling me now that I'm "radiating joy".
Socially, I wasn't out in my neighbourhood nor at work, these were the last places where I had to come out of the closet. Coming out in my neighbourhood was much easier than I had expected, even got a few presents from shopkeepers near me and people started sending me postcards to congratulate me with the steps I had taken. The shopkeeper from the perfumery close to me even gave me Yves Saint Laurent mascara as a coming out present. I visited them almost every weekend, claiming the make up I was buying would be for my daughter (I only have a son). They never believed me because my interest in makeup was too intense for that, but were always too polite to call me out on it.
Coming out at work was also much easier than I had anticipated. I own a small internet business and the owner of an advertising agency i work with turned out to have a gender dysphoric child. I helped him getting the proper help for his son/daughter and he's been passing on new assignments to me ever since! I did lose one client over going fulltime, but he was so stupid to put in writing that he broke off our business contract over me being transgender and I'm suing his ass now. It will cost him dearly, this kind of discrimination is a felony in Holland.
And also: I got my passport and had my birth certificate changed, have that "F" now and my first names changed to "Naomi Rutka". My mother made up my second name, because she still wanted to be my name-giver in some way. But I love "Rutka" too, so that's fine.
Physically the changes are happening at a much higher pace than I would have thought. I truly have (small) boobs now and love them, my fat is being re distributed (and gained some weight too), my skin is becoming much smoother. Only thing is that my titties are hurting a lot. Small disks seem to have formed inside my breasts and they are extremely sensitive. But for the first time in my life, I'm actually inside my body right now, even started looking in the mirror (a thing I hadn't done for over twenty years because I couldn't stand the guy I saw).
Intellectually I changed too: I'm finding out that I'm not at all interested in mathematical issues, coding and technical stuff, it's just gone. This will be hard for me professionally, because working with issues like that is how I make a living and I'm less and less able to focus on these things.
Emotionally, I tuned from a hardened cynic into some kind of caring fluffbunny. Romantic comedies make me cry, I find out that I connect with people differently: I started enjoying intimate friendships rather than keeping people at distance, like I used to.
How the hormones would impact my sexuality was what worried me the most, but I turned out to love that part too! My psychologist had warned me for the loss of libido, but that's not how I experienced it. I found out that I started enjoying hugging and kissing more and that it's other parts of my body now that create my turnon. I'm explorig that ow and love the discoveries I make. My skin became very sensitive and love every touch. My boyfriend played with my breasts for a while and caused this shattering full body orgasm from head to toe, that lasted for about fifteen minutes. It doesn't compare with ejaculation, because it's so much better. Anyway, having to give in to testosterone based sexuality always gave me a short turnon, but increased my sense of dysphoria after the fact. That's gone now and it just makes me feel free.
So all in all: best thing that ever happened to me. I'm not there yet and still want the operations after my obligatory year of having been on hormones, but I finally feel happy and found some kind of peace.
This is me now:
Not there yet, but getting there
