I'm in the process of fully coming out, but I really need to come out to my wife about it...I have a feeling she knows a little bit (I wear panties frequently and exhibit somewhat feminine behaviors a lot), but I don't think she knows a lot about it...

I worry because she's made remarks in the past about transgender people possibly faking it, so I'm worried it may come down on me like a load of bricks. My worst fear is losing her...though I'm TG, I love her deeply and feel we have an extremely strong connection.

I've felt TG since I was a teenager and really read up on the lifestyle...my family would have abandoned me, so I never seriously pursued it. I felt like I could put it in a chest and "hide" that part of me. It's only fairly recently that those feelings have come back to the forefront and I feel like I can't ignore them any longer. I want to transition, I want to have the surgeries, I'm ready to let Shelby out of the closet.

Any advice on what I should do?

Thanks so much friends.

Shelby. We are here for you. Hugs Shannon. PM if you want

Quote from: spx_1112 on October 11, 2016, 12:02:20 PM
Shelby. We are here for you. Hugs Shannon. PM if you want

I don't think I have enough posts yet to PM.

Hi, Shelby!

Coming out to our spouses can be the haardest step of all.  I botched it horribly, coming out as part of a complete meltdown.  Don't do what I did.

Try to write out an outline of what you want to tell her, and how you hope the conversation will go.  Figure out how you want to start off the discussion, and what ground you would like to cover.   I'm not suggesting you write a letter and hand it to her, but if you prepare that way you might be able to hold yourself together better during what is sure to be an emotional discussion.

Hugs and I hope it goes well,
Michelle

Thanks Michelle!

It's really the only thing holding me back, but I know in my heart it's a step I need to take.

Giving advice for this very difficult matter is tough because everyone is different. I came out to my wife early this year and while we're still technically together, she will leave soon as she says that she is not a lesbian and she still refuses to see me in girl mode and refuses to use female pronouns.

It can be really tough, be prepared for the worst and hope for the best I don't really have any better advise..

Hugs
Jessica


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Quote from: JessicaSondelli on October 11, 2016, 01:18:07 PM
Giving advice for this very difficult matter is tough because everyone is different. I came out to my wife early this year and while we're still technically together, she will leave soon as she says that she is not a lesbian and she still refuses to see me in girl mode and refuses to use female pronouns.

It can be really tough, be prepared for the worst and hope for the best I don't really have any better advise..

Hugs
Jessica


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

I am so sad to hear that this did not work out for you. 

I'm on the same page as Jessica, in a way. My wife said the same thing. We just recently decided that it would be best if we slept in separate beds (quite sad about it, though) and in separate rooms. She said that she'll stay for about a year and then move out of the house. I'll be gone for about 6 months of that time, so it won't be that big of a deal, but we agreed that divorce is better than being in a resentful relationship.

The way I told her was while we were laying in bed and hadn't gone to sleep just yet (probably not the best time because it made me too energetic to sleep after I told her). After conversations about it here and there, I told her that I would completely understand if she decided to leave me, since she has just as much a right to be happy as I do. I also said that I would hate it if she stayed and felt miserable for the rest of her life. She told me that she'd feel better if we remained friends and that she won't abandon me. I told her that I appreciate it.

Couple of days ago, she asked me how I felt about separating and breaking off our marriage. I told her that, as long as it helps her to cope with it and it's what she wants, I would have no issues with that because [see above].

TL;DR: I went the compassionate route to ensure that we both came out of it as friends and that the kids didn't have to experience any animosity between us. I hope that helps.

I just had to come out to my husband. He too thinks that a lot of trans people are faking it. He still thinks I am faking it, and refuses to put any stock in my actual feelings. I didn't come out the best way. I came out twice. The first time I just blurted it out, then was forced back into the closet. The second time I wrote him a long letter and sent it to his email. Not a good idea either. Don't do either of those. Neither one worked well for me.

I don't really have any advice other than that. Everyone is different. How your wife reacts could be completely different to how my husband reacted. There isn't going to be a right time, or a right way really. Getting it out there will be hard, but you might be surprised by her reaction. Whatever her reaction is, make sure to give her time to absorb it all.

Good luck!

I just finished sending a letter to my first wife of 37 years ago explaining why I may have ignored her. She was the love of my life and without my sexual confusion there is no way on earth I would have let her go. She was beautiful and smart and I was so in love. If you can't tell, I still am. Everybody is probably tired of hearing about it. But it is therapeutic as I kept it bottled up for so long.  Luckily I began therapy in February and soon discovered it was my sex issues was the reason she left.  My wife now is the strongest woman I know. She has to be because I am such a fill the blank. But she loves me in spite of myself. I was extremely lucky. Everyone I have come out to have accepted my decision I HAD to make. It was pre destined. Jo knows it was not a spur of the moment decision and has been just below the surface for a long long time,.
God Speed with your transition. It has had a lot of effectiveness with my mind. I feel like I have reacquired something my being has been missing.

Don't do what I did the second time I told my wife we were fighting because I had a online affair that was only online not real life and my porn addiction,i finally let her have the  trans bomb for I didn't care at that point if she stayed or left,the fighting stopped and we spent 2 days and nights in our room talking only coming out for food and drink. I was thankful she decided to stay but in two conditions,one no more hiding and second no transitioning. It's been 17 yrs since that fight and we are still together and still so much in love but we still have our ups and downs but she won't let me hide anymore.

Coming out to one's spouse is probably the hardest thing to do.  It certainly was for me.  You don't really know how she is going to take it.  Be ready for the worst, and hope for the best.

It really helps to have rehearsed what you are going to say.  You have two, maybe three sentences to get the message out before you lose control of the conversation.  So know what you are going to say.  Memorize it word-for-word if you have to.  I went through dozens of revisions in my head until I had the wording exactly right.

The only way I was able to get the words out was because I had it memorized.  It was like hitting the 'play' button and hearing a recording playing back.

I knew I was ready to tell her when I realized that my worst fear was not losing her.  My worst fear was never getting to meet the real me.

Thanks for all your advice! It's going to be hard, but I'm going to do it in the next week or so, I'll keep you updated on what happens.

It's great to have such a big support network here!

You mention cues such as mannerisms and wearing female clothes. These are working quite well for me with regards to my family, even though I am presently closeted. I think you should gradually ramp it up and see how she reacts before deciding when to come out.

Good luck!

Yep, this is something that's been holding me back.  If I go to therapy I will be inclined to come out to my wife.  If I come out to my wife she will probably leave me.  I can't imagine life without her.  So I don't go to therapy.  Then I resent her a bit because I don't feel like I can move forward because I'm afraid she will leave if I tell her. But then I am mad at myself because it's not reasonable to be resentful when I never gave her the opportunity to accept me as I am in the first place... So... yeah... 

If she is saying trans people are faking, why not introduce into conversation someone like Caitlyn Jenner, who's gone through a very public medical transition? See if her attitude is different. Maybe that will give you an entry to explain that you're like Caitlyn.

Some folks rationalize that cross dressing is okay but being trans is not, but maybe your wife will turn out to be the opposite. Just spitballing actually because it really doesn't compute the notion that trans people are faking but I have seen this attitude many times on tumblr directed towards feminine trans guys and non binary people.

Quote from: MelissaB on October 12, 2016, 08:22:57 AM
Yep, this is something that's been holding me back.  If I go to therapy I will be inclined to come out to my wife.  If I come out to my wife she will probably leave me.  I can't imagine life without her.  So I don't go to therapy.  Then I resent her a bit because I don't feel like I can move forward because I'm afraid she will leave if I tell her. But then I am mad at myself because it's not reasonable to be resentful when I never gave her the opportunity to accept me as I am in the first place... So... yeah... 

Be careful there, Melissa.  Knowing your true nature, and exposing it to some (like us) who are open and accepting is going to make hiding yourself and avoiding treatment harder for yourself going forward.  There's a conflict between knowing what you could be and do, and what you actually do out of consideration for others. By setting the needs of others before your own you may be establishing fertile grounds to grow a big crop of resentment toward others and depression for yourself.

Try to be mindful of your internal feelings and how (and how well) you are communicating and otherwise treating the folks you are hiding for (you are hiding for their benefit, not yours).  Long periods of quiet, sudden aggressive outbursts, and prolonged anxiety are all signals to get some outside help.

Take care,
Michelle

I would encourage you to drop into the initial conversation that you will talk about it multiple times.  I really wish I had done that.  Because I've told my wife, but then at later points, I've told her that I am not trans*(mostly because she'll ask me outright, as though she didn't already know, and that's really scary and makes me blurt out various different answers.)  So do whatever you can to make it an ongoing conversation and avoid a weird stuck in between situation.

Hey Michelle,  your words of caution are appreciated.  My post was really more recognition of what my feelings are, and what is triggering them.  I don't have any deep resentment, and... well so far  no emotional explosions.  At the end of the day it's not my fault I am who I am, but it's not her fault either.

One of the things I have started to do as a result of joining and reading so many posts is to ask myself the question:  what harm is this causing to me?  I see a lot of posts about depression as a result of being transgender.  It's interesting but I don't feel depressed, though maybe I'm just ignoring or suppressing it. 

I think what I want to change is the... distraction... probably obsession is a better word.  I would really just like to get on with my life without obsessing about wanting to be female, because that is hampering my enjoyment of the rest of my life, which is otherwise quite good   So the challenge is how do I best do that?

At any rate hearing from other women that have gone through or are going through similar experiences has been very comforting.  Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts with me