So, when I was a kid, I experienced dysphoria for the first time. If memory serves me correctly, I was 7 or 8... I've suppressed a lot of my childhood due to the many hardships I've endured in those days, so the details are fuzzy. At any rate, after several weeks of showing extreme discontent with my sex, my parents forced me to see a psychiatrist, who then put me on a myriad of medications: some for my Tourette's, some for my anxiety and depression, some for my Asperger's. My doctor and my parents doped me up on so much medicine and unnecessary supplements that the dysphoria went away for many years until Christmas Eve 2015. I felt an overwhelming sense of discomfort with myself, my body, my very existence. I immediately contacted my only trans friend (and I'm using the term "friend" loosely...) at the time. She told me to see a therapist. A couple weeks later, I saw the therapst. What she said to me made me decide not to go through with the transition, though it was a very painful decision. I attempted suicide the next week. This was in early January. I tried my best to ignore the dysphoria, and for a while it worked. I got a new girlfriend, a new job, and finally moved out of my parents' basement all within a period of 2 months. About a month later (mid-June this year) when the dust settled, I couldn't take it anymore, and the black serpent paid me another visit (the Black Serpent is a metaphor I have for my dysphoria because of a short story I wrote about it), and this time it didn't let go. I'm now fully intent on transitioning.

My question is this: has anyone else had an experience similar to this? The reason I ask is because one of my friends told me that most trans people experience these feelings consistently from childhood. I don't doubt that. However, one of my trans friends didn't experience her dysphoria until she was older than I am now. So, if it turns out that I'm in the minority here, does that mean I should be discouraged? Or does it really matter as long as I stay vigilant?

I buried my feelings for several years, or maybe a few decades.  Only rarely would the feeling of wanting to be a woman would crop up, each time stronger than the last.  I am still afraid of what is going to happen, but now that things have started, I feel less anger at the world, no longer loath myself, and have started to feel a little more confident in general.  The fear still holds me back at times, but at least I feel like I am making progress. 

I didn't have a name for what I felt s a child, but I "knew" it was wrong, so hid it from everyone, and buried it behind other social oddities.  As I learned more, I finally gave in to my hidden self, and have started to dig my way out of my self imposed exile, and am finally starting to enjoy life. 

It Seems that every journey is unique despite the paths being the same.

Completely normal behavior, well at least for a trans person... and it doesnt go away with age... you are best to transition while you are younger as your results and overall happiness will most likely be better.

Quote from: Blackwaters427 on October 05, 2016, 04:23:39 AMone of my friends told me that most trans people experience these feelings consistently from childhood.

What your friend really meant, though they were probably unaware of it, was that most trans people that they read about in the news media experience the feelings consistently from childhood.  Most of us aren't media darlings.

There are lots of us who only became aware of gender dysphoria later in life.  We look back at various incidents in our childhood and, in hindsight, recognize, "OMG, that was dysphoria."  I always thought of myself as a feminist guy.  I never thought at the time that I was a feminine guy, though that is what I was.

So I would agree that your experience is not at all uncommon.

We realize it when we do, 4, 40(me), 60, whatever. I think realizing later often says more about the safety of one's environment than anything else.

I know I realized it when it was safe to do so and earlier may well not have been better. I started transition 20 years later because I couldn't come to terms with the obvious difficulties with passing and in retrospect im not jealous of those years. The non-binary people have had to be trail blazers and that's not my path. I simply need to live my life which is honestly (and happily) larger than my gender or gender presentation.

If no one intervenes to tell you otherwise, you could just believe that horrible state is how everyone feels, all the time, and you just suck at dealing with it.  lol.

Never occurred to me I could do anything about it, till I did, then I was like, "you're kidding me, 45 years of living in hell, and a stupid pill makes it go away?"

I'm 64 and been living in hell for as many years because of this thing. I finally transitioned 3 years ago and feel the freedom of being me.

Quote from: becky.rw on October 05, 2016, 08:02:05 AM
If no one intervenes to tell you otherwise, you could just believe that horrible state is how everyone feels, all the time, and you just suck at dealing with it.  lol.

Woah.  I say that all the time.  Almost every single day.  Thank you so much for that comment! 

For me it started before I knew what it was, Probably abound 5 or 6. Then in 94 we got our first computer and I began to find out I wasn't alone. I suppressed the feelings over the years off and on, did the same as many others purging thinking I was a freak then wasting all that money buying it all back. Relationships usually suppressed it a little but it never went away. Most recently I was in a lets just say a weird relationship where I came out to one of the women and told her what I planned to do, and she kinda turned me into a sex toy, The other I never connected to But I tend to put others before myself, and I loved the children. Then anxiety and deep depression set in, I kept suppressing it so I could be a father to the children. Till one night I was sitting here with a gun to my head, and at that moment a switch flipped inside of me. I walked out of that relationship, two weeks later I made a appointment for hormones, 2 months later the big day. And now 3 months hrt. And Ever since I made that appointment, not one day of depression, I usually always have a smile on my face, I'm happier and in a better place. And I am finally enjoying life. A few months ago I took my son to a amusement park and I actually had fun and smiled on the rides. I haven't done that in probably 20 years.

Quote from: Danni98 on October 05, 2016, 09:24:29 AM
For me it started before I knew what it was, Probably abound 5 or 6. Then in 94 we got our first computer and I began to find out I wasn't alone. I suppressed the feelings over the years off and on, did the same as many others purging thinking I was a freak then wasting all that money buying it all back. Relationships usually suppressed it a little but it never went away. Most recently I was in a lets just say a weird relationship where I came out to one of the women and told her what I planned to do, and she kinda turned me into a sex toy, The other I never connected to But I tend to put others before myself, and I loved the children. Then anxiety and deep depression set in, I kept suppressing it so I could be a father to the children. Till one night I was sitting here with a gun to my head, and at that moment a switch flipped inside of me. I walked out of that relationship, two weeks later I made a appointment for hormones, 2 months later the big day. And now 3 months hrt. And Ever since I made that appointment, not one day of depression, I usually always have a smile on my face, I'm happier and in a better place. And I am finally enjoying life. A few months ago I took my son to a amusement park and I actually had fun and smiled on the rides. I haven't done that in probably 20 years.

Oh wow. I'm very glad to hear you're doing better! I've had my fair share of suicide attempts, although not all of them were dysphoria-related.
I actually just made my appointment for hormone consultation today. I go in tomorrow at 11! Wish me luck!

Good luck! I hope things start getting better for you as well.

Quote from: Blackwaters427 on October 05, 2016, 04:27:05 PM
Oh wow. I'm very glad to hear you're doing better! I've had my fair share of suicide attempts, although not all of them were dysphoria-related.
I actually just made my appointment for hormone consultation today. I go in tomorrow at 11! Wish me luck!

From what I hear, early feelings and recognition are all over the map. Some people suppress it completely. Some kids wear it on their sleeve. In my view no one should be told they are "wrong" because their experience is not exactly like another person's, and I think therapists need to understand that better than they do.

I happen to believe the medical paper published that say gender identity rests in a structure in the brain called the BSTc. In natal males it looks one way. In natal females it looks another way. Trans people have structure that look like the "opposite" gender. Alas this structure can currently only be seen in autopsies so it is not a diagnostic tool.

In my view, GID is programmed into the brain--like why do bird fly south and how do they know to build nests consistent with their species? We are like caged birds. We are prevented from flying south or building our nests. Our keepers prevent that since they have other plans for us, and their plan is for us to keep them happy. No good if we get loose and fly south, irrespective of what our instincts are screaming inside our heads.

Taking hormones is a reversible step, especially in MTF. Speaking for myself, after I started on estrogen, I had an overwhelming feeling of well-being. I self-inject and recently have gone back to using injectable estradiol cypionate and have added oral prometrium. Unless you have a morbid fear of needles, the injectable suppresses T big-time. It is also easier on the liver. Plus new injection techniques make it all but painless--not like in the 1970s. The prometrium, I am told by my OBGYN is a mood stabilizer.

If a person hates the effect of E, they still might be trans, but from what therapists are saying, E. There is youtube video which I think is good and which I do not believe violates any rules about posting.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=wcPUySf0KPc&feature=youtu.be


Her main point is some patients experience a feeling (in my case even pre-op) of profound "rightness."

From Dune: [Dysphoria] is the mind killer . . . I will face my fear.

I didn't experience any gender dysphoria until I was thirty. But when it started, it didn't stop.  I guess I was lucky that I didn't suffer to much until somehow I realized it was possible to do this. Yes, though, it does give one pause.  I took it comparatively slow for the first six months -- just therapy, voice work, and electrolysis.  (I should have known as soon as my electrologist referred to me as "she" that first session, and I shed a tear of joy, but whatever. No, not whatever -- all that matters is the dysphoria and the bliss.)  Once I got my voice, at six months in, I knew it was over -- I got on the express, and took only about 18 more months to get everything taken care of.

Now I'm nearly fifty.  It's been forever.  And I couldn't be happier.

Each of us has different abilities to repress our negative feelings.  Don't worry if you weren't actively dysphoric growing up -- it was just your brain trying to protect you.

As you can see, you're not alone on that one. Your experience is pretty common about many transgender individuals. In fact, having suffered heavy dysphoria in your childhood, even if it subsdied with medication, is a pretty good indicator.

I don't know the details, and conditions like Asperger and anxiety/depression can blurr the dyagnosis, but I think (given what you reported here) that you have good reasons to consider transition seriously. I don't know what your last therapist said (the one that discouraged you), but I think it would be nice to have a second and even a third opinion (better if they are gender therapists).

Quote from: Sophia Sage on October 11, 2016, 06:01:22 PM
. . . Once I got my voice, at six months in, I knew it was over -- I got on the express, and took only about 18 more months to get everything taken care of . . .

One of the best pieces of advice I ever got was from a transman who said, "The more you look and act in role, the more people will want to help you . . . they will want to help you."

What did you do to get your voice in six months? Not by voice surgery, so what worked for you? Did people in general get on board suddenly. 18 months is fast.

Quote from: Virginia Hall on October 12, 2016, 12:20:27 AM
One of the best pieces of advice I ever got was from a transman who said, "The more you look and act in role, the more people will want to help you . . . they will want to help you."

This is very true, at least in my experience.

My therapist advocated going slow when I first started out, precisely because of my lack of childhood dysphoria.  She was a bit condescending, but in principle I agreed with her.  I wasn't the norm. 

So I had to know for myself if this was the right thing to do, though I certainly believed it to be the case.  As far as I was concerned, that meant seeing how I would feel about being gendered female.  Which, in turn, meant I had to actually be able to elicit that reaction in the world around me.  Knowing that it would take forever to pass visually, and that voice work was essentially free, I focused first on my voice (and doing zapping, of course).  And when I found it, heard that voice on my recording software, I was over the moon.  I literally wept in joy.

The first therapy session I had once I'd found my voice, my conservative therapist agreed it was time to start HRT. I mean, at that point it was apparent to both of us that this was going to happen. 

QuoteWhat did you do to get your voice in six months? Not by voice surgery, so what worked for you?

Daily practice using spectrogram software to "see" my pitch and resonance.  It was slow going, because there's so much more to voice than just pitch, though pitch is certainly fundamental.  And I could only do an hour or less per day, lest I strain my voice and set it back several days or a week (which happened a couple times).

As to technique, it's all about tightening the larynx.  Getting the larynx positioned higher in the throat.  This has several effects.  First, it stretches the vocal cords, providing higher pitch. Second, it removes chest resonance, which affects timbre. Finally (and this is where I differ from other people) it doesn't force your resonance into your sinuses -- which is a more stereotypically "gay male" sort of a voice. 

The trick I eventually found was to imitate certain cartoon characters, Yoda in particular.  With my Yoda voice, it was just a matter of gently relaxing out of it until the proper timbre came through.  The other thing that helps is the position of your tongue -- keep it "down" in the back of your mouth, without jamming it into the back of your throat. This activates a certain amount of tension in the appropriate muscles back there, at least it seems that way to me.

There have been a handful of times (yes, like, five total) that I've been casually misgendered by random strangers in public, like at the grocery store, or silhouetted by the sun, as I'm tall and stocky.  As soon as I talk, though, that's quickly corrected.  People apologize, almost trip over themselves in doing so.  I don't correct them or say they got it wrong -- I'll say something like "plastic bags, please" -- and it's just apparent.

I had a conversation about this with a couple lesbians some time ago, in a completely different context (a context of non-disclosure, of course).  One woman, who was very overweight and had short cropped hair, noticed this happened on occasion.  She thought it was kind of amusing that this happened to her on occasion (always in a casual public space, like the grocery store) and of course never gave it a second thought.  Her partner, on the other hand, was thin and wiry (and also with cropped hair), and had some facial hair on her chin which she deliberately didn't cut.  She was mystified that this alone could get her misgendered on occasion.

It was then I realized that what makes cisgendered women "cis" is that they don't feel any dyphoria when such a thing happens.