Well, a few days back the doc poked me with a question, as I'm solidly boy-mode, sorta (large pecs + breast initialization = starting with b-cups, painful b-cups..) They asked me if I did identify as female, I said yes and they left it at that; but it bugged me because other than the almost-purse, I've not allowed any further steps to girl mode, and the more I thought about it, the more it bugged me.
To add to the irritation, I had to acknowledge to myself that the gym and running is now more than a little painful without a bra, and I'm being stupid trying to hold back. So I toss the nipguards and slip on the sports bra (Fionna moving comfort, fwiw); and everything is so comfortable through my workout, no bleeding on the shirt, and even on the way home they don't get cold. It was really great.
Get home, clean up and I'm dozing off in front of the fan, and I get the awful, terrible fear that I could lose what little I have, an almost desperate dissatisfaction with the current flatness (I was laying on my back), the wrongness of it was absolutely overwhelming.
It took some self-therapy to get back to being me, to know that progress is slow, but I won't turn back.
I've gone with sports bra daily since, and its not happened again; but I think I now know why everyone doesn't just use the word "anxiety" instead of dysphoria; that was very different, very weird, and very awful.
Thus, I think, I'm thinking that I now actually know what dysphoria is.
Not to excited about the revelation....
