I am new here and hope im posting this in the right place, i am in a 4 year relationship with a girl who is 25 and i am 29 she knows everything about me including my gender dysphoria, i have always been different from as far back as i can remember, i always felt like i was suppose to be a women but growing up i kind of pushed this in to the far corners of my mind and tried so hard to egnore it and live my life as a man however over the last 3 years this has become harder and harder for me to cope with, deep down i would want nothing more then to transition and be my true self i feel i am ready to transition but have a few things standing in my way, i have been to my GP and have had therapy and have been diagnosed with gender dysphoria but thats about it i havent done anything with the diagnoses yet but i want to, the thing is my girlfriend, she knows everything and had stood by me through thick and thin and some of the hardest times of my life, when i told her she was shocked as i would be in her shoes (pun not intended), i told her i wouldnt transition and she said if i didnt she would stay with me but cannot if i do transition, i now feel like i need to transition and want to transition, over the last 2 years i feel we are both drifting apart because of this and d as much as i love her and want to be with her im not sure i can live a lie anymore, she is my best friend and has supported me through some very hard suicidal times but this is reflecting on our relationship, we no longer have any intamacey we dont kiss or cuddle we just live with each other as thogh we were house mates but the thing is everytime i try to talk to her she doesnt want to know and walks off, im now in the position where i feel rejected by her but im scared of also losing her in my life as a partner or a friend, i want to transition but im also holding on to hope that our relationship will work somehow, everyday of my life is a struggle and i feel so depressed so i know i need to transition but im scared of what il lose please point me in the right direction i need guidance iv never dealt with anything like this before so im confused as to what i should do in this situation i dont want to carry on and then when im 40 regret not transitioning i dont know if i can see a future with her either my heads all over the place right now !!!

Hi Sainmtf

First up, Welcome to Susan's

Relationships are one of the hardest parts of Transition. I have been married for 30 years but even so it was difficult for my wife but we are still together. Transition itself is a self focussed event and good support is paramount. In the past you said she has said that transition is crossing the line so I guess you have to decide what matters in your life to you. This is about you and your well being and really not hers..   I am sure many others will chime in with some advice

Welcome and enjoy

Regards

Liz

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Hi Sian, and welcome!

Many of us can live in denial for years, trying to suppress our dysphoria so we can concentrate on other priorities. But eventually we reach a crisis point: a point at which our need to transition becomes unbearably strong and we can't keep living the lie for one second longer. It sounds like you may have reached that point.

Here's the hard truth: you're a woman, and you cannot continue struggling through life pretending to be a man. But your current girlfriend doesn't want to be in an intimate relationship with a woman... even whilst she's still presenting as a man. So as much as you might love her, if she's not able to love you for who you are then it's highly unlikely that your relationship will succeed in the long term.

Of course, you could try to suppress it; stuff yourself back into the closet and try to make a go of this relationship. But who are you living your life for? Partners come & go, but you're stuck with yourself 24 hours a day, every day, for the rest of your life. If something about that is making you miserable, then you need to concentrate on fixing that first & foremost... and then the right partner will come along when you're ready. The more she thinks of you as being a woman, the more she's found that she's not OK with being in a relationship with a woman. That would explain why your intimacy has dwindled & why you're currently no more than housemates: she's recognising your femininity & she's not comfortable with being intimate with you. She probably isn't happy with the idea of even sharing a house with another woman (many women would hate that).

I'm afraid it sounds like she's already checked out of your relationship. You could waste a couple more years in boy mode whilst trying to win her back, but if she's already checked out then she'll probably leave anyway... and where would you be? Just as single, a couple of years older and still desperately needing to transition. Why waste that time?

My advice to you? End your romantic relationship and try to maintain a friendship with her if you can... and start your transition as soon as possible. Transitioning takes years so the sooner (and younger!) you start, the better your results. You haven't said where in the world you are, but as an example in the UK it usually takes around a year just to get seen by a gender clinic, let alone starting any treatments. I notice you've chosen a Welsh name; it's even worse there than in the rest of the country. But wherever you are, get the ball rolling as soon as possible.

I was married for 18 years - with two kids - before my dysphoria became so unbearable that I had no choice but to transition. I'd managed to distract myself with my career & family for all that time, but like most trans people I hit that crisis point and I started my transition at age 40. When I told my husband that I was going to transition, he rejected me (and our 18-year marriage) because he's not only heterosexual, but also homophobic. And people are entitled to their own sexuality: if he's heterosexual then I have to accept that & I cannot force our relationship to continue. It was very painful at the time, but I don't regret it one bit... because why should I waste my precious time with someone who isn't able to love me for being me?

Why should you?

Hi,

Dysphoria gets worse in time, not better. It never goes away.

It sounds like the intimate relationship is over and you are friends or room mates.  You are both young and can start anew. It is not fair of either of you to sacrifice your identities. I think a serious conversation is in order so both of you can sort out what is happening, preferable with a good gender therapist.

Rachel

Hey sorry i havent replied my phones been playing up and wouldnt let me i havent been ignoring u all honest lol so just an update, i took all your advice and we sat down and had a full on heart to heart and she has said that ever since she found out she has been scared for our future and has kind of distanced herself she still loves me but we are going to remain friends for the time being, we are also seeking therapy for her to come to terms with everything as she told me she was also struggling to cope with it which i fully understand and will be there for her in the same way she has been for me, we have discussed transition and she has actually pushed me to go for it and that she knows deep down its what i need to do and that she will support me through out the process so its a positive start i have contacted my therapist who is going to start my HRT on thursday thanks for your all your advice i feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders worrying about it all but glad i finally sat her down and had the talk.

Congrats on finding the courage to have that difficult conversation. And congrats on getting your therapist to agree to HRT!

She clearly cares for you because she wants what's best for you, so keep those lines of communication open if you can. Transitioning is exciting but it's also incredibly difficult & challenging at times, so we need all the friends we can get. It's great that she's offered to support you through your transition: not only will her emotional support be invaluable, but there are plenty of practical things she's learned over the years about how to move through the world whilst being seen as a woman: how she's viewed by society; how she's expected to present herself & behave; personal safety; dealing with unwanted advances; perhaps even how to choose clothing, make-up & hairstyles to flatter her appearance. All of that can be very useful information, so take advantage of it if you can.

You never know, there's a slight possibility that she might change her mind about the nature of your relationship once she sees how happy & settled you are. But it's much more likely that you'll just remain friends. Still, a good friend is a wonderful thing, isn't it?

Thursday is going to be the first day of the rest of your life. Good luck & enjoy it!

It was a conversation that needed to happen i was just scared of what she would say but i feel it has worked out for the best atleast i have her support and that means so much to me, transitioning is hard on your own, i have had therapy which is still ongoing and she is going to come with me to my next appointment, i am excited to finally start a new life and start HRT which i have wanted for so long now so all positive.

She has been there for me since the day i told her, she has helped me with cloths and make up and has even brought me stuff like makeup and cloths but she said she just didnt feel like she could be attracted to a women so for the time being we are friends which is the best i can ask for out of the situation maybe i can help her get through it and maybe help her fond someone she can be happy with as you say i doubt there is a future for us together but we do havea future..