This is probably the last and most emotionally and psychologically dangerous step I decided to overcome, is that wrong? Should I have done it first? Honestly, moving out and doing what I needed to served me better than living with my family which wouldve suppressed my interest in this based on the wrongness of my actions.


Thing is...when I was questioning my gender my mom and dad suspected and got angry, even almost violently furious. After that I made half-witted promises that I wasn't really and denied my actions each chance I could.


Now that I'm out they can no longer touch me and I can do what I need to, but I feel like I shakily get little to no support to them. I'm trying to go back to college now to make my life better and not be a loser (I'm really happy to be going back as male at this point). They're insisting I go back to college at a Christian college in which I will be collegebound for two years and have no transportation/freedom and living space to myself. I've been refusing and trying to ask for financial support to the community college here which is close to where I live and I can continue to work to support myself, and my mother is insisting she see proof I'm enrolled and track all my grades before she surrenders whats left of my financial aid to help with the college. As of now I have in the thousands of college debt from my previous college which stress caused me to leave, and I didnt get any help to pay that, instead constant derision that my laziness, poor friendships and life choices, and aberrant behavior are what caused me to fail and wondered why I "couldnt just do the 'right' thing".



That tangential fragment of my life aside...now that I'm out I have to rely on myself and my friends for true support, but aside from breaking it to my parents there's also my siblings, my uncles, my cousins, and my grandparents and uncle and aunt on my moms side. Judging by my reaction of my parents, which I very well suspected to be poor and turned out to be true, I highly doubt I'll get good results. The idea that I'll turn into a black sheep for my life and turn both sides of my family away hurts.


My brother is going to a Christian school, he already probably suspects I'm boyish, and says I shouldnt be, and he laughed at a story of someone identifying as agender, he's very right wing so as close as I used to be to him I dont think I can confide in him anymore. My younger sister is 8, my parents know they messed up with me so I know for a fact they always talk to her about how boys should be boys and girls should be girls, and that anything I do to change that will be confusing and wrong to her, heartbreakingly so.

The people on my dad's side of the family are Christian, and also erring on the side of sexist at times.My uncles would hate it, maybe my cousins being a bit younger would be on the side of slightly understanding more but I cant know for sure, both are almost entirely stereotypically cis so they might not get my strangeness. My younger cousins are just confused by my deeper voice, and they would likely rely on however their parents would frame it.
My mother's side of the family are catholic, and they would absolutely love to see my deviant behavior as a point of my fingers to my mother, who deviated from the catholic side of the faith.


...so...when I somehow decide to come out. I don't know how, I feel like there's going to be a huge break off, I don't know if people will still talk to me, or if they do they'll be angry and attempting to make me go back. I'll be alone again, ostracized from the small family I had. I made a new one kind of with my supportive friendships so I guess that's something. However, the whole thing is just a scary circumstance.



How do you think I should do it? I heard letters are a common way to, should I talk on the phone since it's more personal? I'm worried I'm not very good with words and I might get the direct blow of their shock and disdain. Can I link any good articles and resources on the matter? I found one about male-patterned and woman-patterned brains the other day that's really great, but I'd like more to back up that I'm not crazy for what I'm doing

I'm slowly coming out to one family member at a time. Though not the same case, mine went something like this:

- Came out to wife; she's supportive
- Came out to my kids; they're neutral and don't really care, since they just want to be loved
- Came out to mom; she's concerned and worried, but only out of her love for me. With my step-dad in the same room as her, he found out at the same time. I'm positive that they've discussed it with my youngest brother, at this point, but I'm not sure.

My next move will be to come out to my grandmother. I'm not even going to stress about telling my father since he's pretty much one of the slimiest people I know. Perhaps I should just get it over with and be done with him. After all, I don't rely on him for anything and I pretty much know where he stands on anything that isn't cis-hetero related. If he decides that he's done with me (lol), I'll feel no heartburn over not ever talking to him again.

Regardless, I'm going the Family-Work-Public route; I've always said that family comes first, so I'm sticking to my ways. lol

I sincerely hope things will get better for you. College debt is no joke and is so hurtful. You can't even claim it in bankruptcy. 

Quote from: SiobhánF on October 28, 2016, 01:50:24 PM
I'm slowly coming out to one family member at a time. Though not the same case, mine went something like this:

- Came out to wife; she's supportive
- Came out to my kids; they're neutral and don't really care, since they just want to be loved
- Came out to mom; she's concerned and worried, but only out of her love for me. With my step-dad in the same room as her, he found out at the same time. I'm positive that they've discussed it with my youngest brother, at this point, but I'm not sure.

My next move will be to come out to my grandmother. I'm not even going to stress about telling my father since he's pretty much one of the slimiest people I know. Perhaps I should just get it over with and be done with him. After all, I don't rely on him for anything and I pretty much know where he stands on anything that isn't cis-hetero related. If he decides that he's done with me (lol), I'll feel no heartburn over not ever talking to him again.

Regardless, I'm going the Family-Work-Public route; I've always said that family comes first, so I'm sticking to my ways. lol

I sincerely hope things will get better for you. College debt is no joke and is so hurtful. You can't even claim it in bankruptcy. 

I appreciate the concern, I'm sure it will, as the previous college debt goes I have a payment plan set up for it and I'm pretty sure when I go back to school payments for it will go on hold, so I can rely on paying for essentials first.

The odd thing is I work for a large-scale company, they have a diversity and inclusion policy so even though I never mentioned being transgender at all, I look and say I am male and all my coworkers 'get' it. I have never had any issues of anyone being hateful/disdainful towards me in my personal life as far as this job goes (I dont know if that'll change once I graduate and try other jobs/careers), so literally my only  battle as far as coming out goes is my family alone.

First off, hugs! Sounds like you're in a really tough spot.

I don't know how much help I am... I came out to my Mom and sister in June. They are a bit confused, but certainly not malicious or threatening about it. I've also let things lie low for the most part since then, as I've had to stay with family for the last while. They are both trying to understand, though my Mom oscillates back and forth with denial.

As for my Dad, we're estranged for over fifteen years. He had some very traditional gender role ideas. He did tell my sister once upon a time that if she was a lesbian, he'd murder her. So... yeah. Not telling him. And leery about telling that side of the family, who all live in another country, so I don't see or interact with them.

With your post above, if I follow right, your Dad's initial reaction was to be nearly violently angry? I'd say first thing is to stay safe. If you do feel there's any risk of physical danger to you, maybe don't do it, or at least in a public place? Or possibly sending a letter with a couple links to resources for parents for trans people?

The other part of this is that to be truly independent from them, that means finances too. If they're holding the purse strings to your schooling, that's a tough call. Can you do your schooling without them, at the college of your choice? Or at least not that two year college your parents want? Being fully self-sufficient though from your parents and family will make a huge difference... and in the end there's the family we make through friends and partners, versus genetics... that's been the experience for me and my family though.

Aside from that, take care of yourself. Go at a pace you're comfortable with... there's a lot of changes going on for you and self care is really important.

It sounds like no matter how you tell them you are going to get a cold reception at best. Perhaps just worry about making sure you can take care of yourself, and don't need their support when you do tell them.

If they are the sort of people to talk over you, and not listen at all, a letter would be best. If they are the sort who respect serious talk, a letter would probably be construed as a cop-out by them. Tailor the method to their manner, I suppose.

I'm going to present an unpopular option -- don't come out to them right now.  Not until you're done with college and transition.  Seriously.  You already know your family is going to react badly.  It's going to get you upset.  And you'll lose them.  They're not going to understand.  Your best shot, IMO, is when you can present incontrovertible truth, which will be from a post-transition body.  It's kind of hard to argue with.  Until then, let sleeping dogs lie.

I can't help with advice about coming out to your family since I'm currently hiding in plain sight and plan to cut all ties to my family when I get a place of my own.

However, I was a college advisor, and if you're out on your own, you should be getting your financial aid directly, instead of it going to your parents. You won't have to pay back you loans while you're in college, and you should be eligible for pell grant while going to a community college. The state may also have grants available, too. Look into scholarships, too, because some are need based.

You don't sound like you're in the position to come out to them.  Honestly, we in the LGBT community make such a big deal about "coming out", when really, it's not their business to begin with.  I'd just stay "in the closet" for now and build a career and social support network, then tell them when you're in a position to easily ignore them for the rest of your life...

Seems to me you are in pretty much a Loose-Loose situation with "Coming Out". Loose in that by your accounts essentially everyone will be abhorred by it. It will be no surprise to your parents which is why you absolutely positively HAVE to go to a Christian College to get fixed for good.

As my therapist is always pounding into my thick head, you just never know what people will do. Though I think it is safe to say your parents WILL freak out as most religious types tend to. 

Many in my group have been surprised, in both ways, to others reactions upon dropping the T-Bomb. Others at first react one way and in time eventually change from their initial response.

Honestly, moving out and doing what I needed to served me better than living with my family which would've suppressed my interest in this based on the wrongness of my actions.
It is incredibly difficult to loose any of the Shame and Guilt accumulated over a lifetime of being trans and constantly being shown or told how abhorrent it is. Do you really want to go back into such a toxic world?

Have you exhausted all other options such as just going to college part-time and still work and live on your own? If you already have a ton of college debt, just how much good will the bribe money your parents are holding back really going to help?

I think the bigger question to ask is "Do you want to live your parents life? Or, yours?"

Which pain is worse?

Hiding it until later definitely sounds easier but at a certain point I would rather have been punched in the face than dead named. If you can handle it go for it. If you can twist your birthname to make it closer to your real name that can help to try and carve yourself a new space in peoples heads to separate you from who they knew. then when the time comes you make 1 last step taking you even further from who you were.

Your own position is definitely a very difficult one and would strongly recommend 100% independence (if you can) so that when you talk to them it is as equals with the option to walk away if you have to. Depending on their ability to converse and discuss things openly a letter would be a good backup plan to have them read in your presence before they are allowed to comment. If they break off part way you just calmly ask them to finish it first. If they are inclined to be emotional or vocal invite them out for coffee or a lunch then hand it over (1 copy each) as it's amazing how being in public can help temper ones reactions.