I am so scared when I start to think about what it would be like to transition and to start taking hormones and living as a woman. I feel like its such hard work and I am not scared of the work but in my line of work its hard to cover up things like that and I know that with different women it can take up to 6 years to just grow breasts and I am okay with that but in the summer at my job when everyone is in T shirts and all that I think it would be hard to hide my breasts.

I am also really scared of family reactions because I feel like they would reject me if they knew that I was Transgender. I am very masculine and really do not have any feminine qualities at all and I hate that about me. How can a totally masculine man feel the way that I do about wanting to be a woman so badly. I guess my emotions are all over the place when it comes to being Transgender and I just don't know what to do in the long run.

If I had the money and the means I would do whatever it took to become the real me and even as far as SRS which I dream about all the time.

Girl you and i are practically on the same boat. Only i am 22 y/o and only really need to look after myself. Still, i grew up super masculine myself but mainly cuz i had to. Still, its a bit ingrained in my brain :/..... even when i started wanting to be a girl more consistently around age 13 i still behaved as a boy, did boy things and such. Even though my heart desired to be like the girls and more importantly, be one. When i started telling people in my family i want to be a woman i had people use the ''you are such a man'' card on me, and others such as my older cousin in Winnipeg kept harping over and over that same card.... it was quite annoying. Still, i have to present as that ''man'' in my town to look for work, ect but as i write this i am home, safely female ! if u ever wana talk please PM me

P.s, the more feminine qualities i allow myself to have and showcase, the better i feel... but the shame and doubts like yourself kick in ''Shouldn it have always been this way'', ''You ar enot trans'', ect. U ar enot alone i guess is what im saying

It is a frightening thing.

Dealing with all the elements that SailorMars just mentioned. Feeling shame, guilt, fear, doubt. They all add up to be such a strong combination. I have felt like just sitting down closing my eyes and not moving ever again.

However, all of life is choices. Even choosing not to decide created a choice. Work with your support team and/or therapist and find out where you feel right.

Sorry. I can't give any more advice than that. I think we all feel this from time to time. Even at different spots on our journey.

Good luck. Reach out to us as needed.

With warmth,

Joanna

i was and am in the same boat. but i made the choice to move forward and not have any regrets.

my marriage disintegrated and we are currently separated and headed for divorce. my kids live in a different country to me as well and yes i pay child support. after all i did have a hand in making them (even if it was robotic) and i do love all five of my kids. yes five, 3 older boys and paternal twin girls.

only one sister in my family knows, and my mom asks if i am still ok with it all? (the separation etc) and yes i have no regrets. as i experience more emotion than i ever have my whole life. i miss my beautiful children and if i could have them with me i would.

this is my second go(bits of my story on here) and i am not on hrt yet. my therapist and me have a structured plan. and i am slowly letting the real me out. and once she is here, she is here for good. i plan on going the whole way, grs and all. i cant live like this for too long i must be me, whole and true.

as for summer well i am looking into what the heck will i do with the polo shirts i wear for work? after all it gets to high 30 to mid 40deg C in melbourne


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QuoteI am also really scared of family reactions because I feel like they would reject me if they knew that I was Transgender. I am very masculine and really do not have any feminine qualities at all and I hate that about me. How can a totally masculine man feel the way that I do about wanting to be a woman so badly. I guess my emotions are all over the place when it comes to being Transgender and I just don't know what to do in the long run.

I feel your pain. I suspect you'll eventually find yourself in my position, old, masculine, and still with the same damned issues. We are living in rare and amazing times. You can do this if you really want it. The only thing stopping you from being you....is you. I don't care who you are though, you have to want this....BAD....REAL BAD. If it's your last hope, you have to take all the chances, jump through all the hoops, deal with all of the humiliation. There's no easy way to get free. No guarantees at the end.  But I have to say, if I was young again and knew what I know now, I'd dive in head first and never look back. This is your life......one shot....No damned do-overs.......this ain't no dress rehearsal. Go get what you want.

Moderator edit

What matters is being true to you. It would be great if people close to you would understand. Unfortunately there will be some who may not. We all deal with that fear and reality.
What Veronica said is true. What you feel is real. It doesn't go away no matter how long or how deep you try to bury it to fit into society's expectations. Today you can embrace yourself in a way when I was younger I didn't know was possible.
Stay strong girl!

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I am very masculine and really do not have any feminine qualities at all and I hate that about me. How can a totally masculine man feel the way that I do about wanting to be a woman so badly. ]

Hello i can really relate to how you feel     because i too am very masculine  your statement  above  captures  my  emotions  on that subject..... you know i started therapy
recently  and even my therapist  keeps pointing out how masculine i am ... the way  i look, come across, present , kinda wonder if I'm  being steered away ...its like hey .... would a butch  lesbian turn up in a dress ...unlikely
But i do understand  the emotions  and confusion  as i went through  that recently but don't  worry you will get a handle on it
the beautiful soul's  on this site  helped me out..... this the place to be  there is always a solution to a problem
Hang in there : )

Jaycee,
   If you are motivated (some might say "driven") you will be amazed at what you will find that you can do. Only you will know if transition is needed. I looked at transition and saw so many things that, "I could never do because of this and that and the other thing." Guess what, I did it all. It is a terrible thing to live in fear. I did it for decades and got to a point to where I refused to let it rule over me any longer. My presentation isn't all I wish it were but I have something I always lacked as a guy, contentment. It is wonderful. As for your presentation, you might check out some before and after pics or videos to see that incredible changes do happen to masculine looking people. Develop I plan if you go forward. Part of that plan might be a different job situation. It may take a while. Heck it took me over 50 years to almost complete my plan. Hey I would advise not to take that long. lol Good luck!
Monica

There is no time like the present.

Seriously.  The past no longer exists, and the future has to be.

You can be here now, Jaycee.

I remember back about April 2013 I was expressing to my therapist the fear I had about transitioning. Breasts was one of my fears as you stated. My therapist said I could always have a breast reduction. I was horrified and said no I want breasts. It clicked at that point. On the 15th I am having 550 cc implants . I expressed recently that I will feel self conscious when I go back to work about my implants. My therapist said everyone knows you are trans and you had FFS and look completely different so why do you feel self conscious. I said because guys will see me differently. My therapist said girls go through that in their teens.

Fear is just that fear. I started transitioning slow. Then when my fear got less I would do something else to be more myself.

Transition is a marathon not a sprint.

Yes, it's scary.  I'm most of the way to full-time, and I had to go back on anti-depressants because I was waking up in the middle of the night terrified.

But at some point, a part of me that was not conscious told me it was time.  In my experience, being trans and transitioning have little to do with the conscious you and everything to do with an unconscious part that most of us aren't aware of -- until it comes out and says you need to do something about this and, at some point, it's time.

And when that happens, being scared doesn't matter.

Most of the steps in my transition have been done, not when my rational, conscious self said to, but when that inner voice said it's time for the next step.  For instance, it told me yesterday that it's time to come out to another coworker, so I'll see if I can find a chance on Monday.

My advice: learn to listen to that inner voice, the one beyond fear and beyond the voices of your parents and your neighbors and your teachers and preachers and talking heads.

It knows what you can and cannot do.

It will lead you where you need to go.

Quote from: Rachel Lynn on November 05, 2016, 08:43:27 AM
Transition is a marathon, not a sprint.

QFT

I was in the same boat most of my life.

At age 31, the pain of NOT changing became more than the burden OF changing and so I decided to transition.

It does take a lot of work.  So very much, but it is worth it. 

I have had a fairly good transition.  My family disowned me and even tried to have me committed, but it didnt work and I no longer talk to any of them.

Aside from that, its been great.  been at it 4 1/2 years and I wouldnt change any of it.  I am about 3 1/2 months away from top and bottom surgery.

The further you go the easier it gets.  You aren't doing anything that no one else before you hasnt already done before.  You can do this.  Be you, do you, be strong and be true to yourself.