My ex-husband is a 6' 1", muscular, gorgeous, ex-Navy pilot, ex-airline pilot, has Masters in engineering, etc. He was a great husband in many ways, great dancer, gave me two-hour foot rubs every night, etc. BUT he was very jealous of anything that took my attention off of him, gossipy, a Mama's boy, treacherous, rigid, fussy..girly in some ways..even ironed his shirts and pants every day, dressed impeccably.

We divorced in 2010 and I moved to Thailand to teach, where an old friend outed me as a partial transmale. I then realized I've thought of myself as male all my life, but I have enough female identity to stay as I am. Besides, Thailand accepts a Third gender, so nobody cares what you call yourself or how you dress. I'm asexual/demisexual, so never bothered to pursue another relationship, although people of both genders kept trying to interest me.

A few months ago my ex started emailing me on some pretext, saying that he missed me, that he wished he were as brave as I am (I'd told him I'm partially transmale),said he wanted to come out as bisexual. I told him off, said I wasn't interested, and beside, wasn't he still married? Not my problem.

But after a month or so he returned to the chase..he wanted to move to Thailand, his wife had health problems so couldn't have relations, thought sex was dirty, he wanted to come out as bi. I gave him the same irritated response, saying I had no intention of being his halfway house while he dated men.

BUT then, several days ago, he said he is going to transition to live as a woman. He said he feels more like an "other" if he were to check a gender box, but wants to dress as a woman and grow breasts. And, move to Thailand and be with me, because I'm the only man for her.

This floored me. He had my attention at "You're the only man for me!"

I'm a bit puzzled. It seemed to come out nowhere. Can people suddenly be trans?? I guess, that was true in my case, so I can't really dismiss him. But he's still married, and taking care of a sick wife who has swollen feet and can barely walk (he says).
He was a treacherous sort in the past, and I keep wondering if this is some ploy to gain my sympathy, plus give him a valid reason to dump his marriage.

Another weird thing; I'm very attracted to tall, muscular women and transwomen, although not sexually, being demisexual. I had just been thinking that my "ideal mate" would be a female version of my ex.

I'm used to transwomen telling tales of feeling that way all their lives..this is weird.

I got an email from him today saying that his wife said she's taking him to a marriage counselor, and that he planned to come out as a woman there. His wife, and in fact, his entire family are wealthy, religious Republicans, so he could suddenly find himself thrown out and friendless.

From his cheerful, simplistic email, he may not realize the possible consequences of this claim.
I did send him a list of links to non-binary support groups in his area.

Food for thought....
"Suddenly Trans", or not always totally honest to himself and especially others while stuffing the feelings the best you can in order to do and be what was expected, a "Normal Guy"?

From first hand experience I can assure you that this 6ft tall, balding since 14, deep voiced child of blue collar religious immigrants raised in a blue collar working class essentially eastern European immigrant city can and did do a good chameleon act for decades. As well as two failed transition experiments in my much younger days that convinced me being a "Normal(ish) Guy" was the lesser of 2 evils.


Fav stuffing techniques are being an adrenaline junkie, hyper-masculine, being buried in work and other projects. Anything and everything to try to quiet the noise. When all else fails, a few too many drinks. Being insecure of your masculinity and perhaps a good unhealthy dose of low self-esteem can certainly lead to some insecurities about the love of your life. Especially if you may be keeping one whopper of a lie from her.

People can't suddenly become transgender. If you're cis (Opposite of transgender), you won't suddenly become trans. People is born transsexual/transgender and have been that their whole life, but has probably either not discovered it or not coming out of the closet yet. There are also cisgender people who thinks they are transgender for a reason, but later discovers they weren't it in the first place.

I am a 68 year old transgender woman. When I turned 67 I had no thought of gender identity issues. Looking back, through perfect hindsight, I can identify many indicators from early on. The coping mechanisms that I developed to survive early life problems did a great job of stuffing any realizations of identity questions. So, yes, it is possible to become "suddenly trans" though some may argue that I have been ignorantly hiding it from myself all along.

Anne

Quote from: Anne Blake on November 05, 2016, 01:22:15 PM
I am a 68 year old transgender woman. When I turned 67 I had no thought of gender identity issues. Looking back, through perfect hindsight, I can identify many indicators from early on.

I relate 99% to this. The remaining 1% is, I'm not 68

While it is not possible for someone to suddenly become trans, it is possible for someone to become newly aware that they always were trans.  It has happened to me, and to lots of others here.

Whether or not that is the case with your ex, only she and her therapist will know for sure.  If she is not seeing a therapist, she should be.

I think you are wise to be cautious.  There were no doubt reasons why you divorced.  You would want to be sure that those reasons have been addressed before even considering a new relationship with her.

Looking back now, I can relate much of my life to that date as being clear indicators that I am trans, but to the rest off the word, it would appear to be a sudden. I was just very good at not asking the right question to address the elephant in the room.

It took an exceptional event in my life to realise that I was trans, and it's taken me 6 months to get over the shock.

However, with your back-story, I would be skeptical of her motives for moving to follow you - I'm not sure that sounds too healthy....

Sno

"Suddenly Trans" only extends to our friends and family. As in, in their eyes, you are......."Suddenly Trans".


This is not a revelation you have at 40 years old some morning. 

Unless it is...

Quote from: jentay1367 on November 05, 2016, 04:13:50 PM
"Suddenly Trans" only extends to our friends and family. As in, in their eyes, you are......."Suddenly Trans".


This is not a revelation you have at 40 years old some morning. 

Of course it can be, if you spent forty or more years in such deep denial that even you didn't suspect. (Waves hand.) As others have said, the signs were there, looking back, but no one saw them for what they were.

I don't know your ex so I can't say , but given the nature of society one can be in incredible denial about oneself until the kettle boils over.

Well....I knew. I just refused to deal with it. Ramp up the macho and move on. That was my cure. Eventually, I was just a bunch of testosterone and unhappiness. Game over.

I'm definitely not 'suddenly trans', but I was accused of it. 

My wife at one point decided that because trans people had been in the news since the Bruce => Caitlyn announcement, and because I was retired with too much time on my hands (sez who?  ), that I must have taken up being transgender as a new hobby, and the therapist was re-inforcing this as a recruiting ploy.

You all remember when you walked into the Transgender Recruiting Center and signed up for your hitch, right?     We are so NOT an all-volunteer army...

For me. I had to discover myself.  I was never in my head ever thought transitioning.  I was a bit different when I was a kid felt feminine at times, very emotional, enjoyed closet cross dressing, didn't have an issue trying on nail polish as a kid.  During my teen years still cross dressed, wore my first thong in college ppl kinda gave me weird looks then I stopped and thought it was a mental issue cuz that's what everyone thought especially my catholic parents.  After a fer years in my mid early mid 20's I found my gf, she had a thing for cross dressers especially japanese Visual kei.  Some visual kei bands are males but look like females. So when we first dated I told her I enjoy cross dressing would like to try make up someday etcetc.  Fast forward to now. (were still together)  June of this year I started hating myself, I hated who I was always having perverted minds, random erections, anger issues and I told myself I really don't like being male.  Then I looked some trans sites looked up what hrt was  and thought to myself...maybe i was trans all along.  Now I feel great.  I feel me.

I'm not sure, maybe?  When I was a child I never really gave a second thought to gender one way or the other.  I was just me.  In fact, I really didn't know what the genital differences were until I was ten and before that hadn't even wondered about that either.  Then suddenly between when I was 10 and 12 I knew without a doubt what I was, trans.  I didn't understand it and because of my family came to believe I could make it go away but it never did.  (obviously since I'm here) .

People that don't live inside my head (i.e. everybody) might think I was suddenly a late onset trans though.  Beginning at age 13 I spent a lot of effort building a manly man avatar that I lived inside.  It was very convincing too.  In high school I excelled in sports and academics.  I got a engineering degree in college.  And I was in the Army for 20 years, Infantry - Airborne - Ranger!!

The avatar was so good, my Brigade Commander once told me that if he ever had to go to a bad part of town he wanted me along for my aura.  It wasn't a bad bullying aura but more a one of confident invincibility.  Nobody but me knew it was all an elaborate farce.

Maybe it's possible to get so lost in the act that one forgets it is an act at all.  I never did completely but there were times that I thought I could pull it off forever.  Eventually though I proved myself wrong.


It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.
André Gide, Autumn Leaves

Wow..great answers.

I had asked my ex twice in the past, since I had a transwoman friend from high school, if he had ever wanted to be female, or wanted to dress as a female and he said "No!" with a laugh. The last time I asked was two weeks ago!

But, yes, I suppose it could be denial.

I didn't realize what I was until I read a book in 2010 that asked what gender I identified with, and I was shocked when I heard myself say, "Male."
It was the first time I allowed myself be aware of it, but as I researched and read transmale autobiographies, I realized those people were me. I'm more non-binary male, as I still have 40% female identity.

Of course, my ex has no idea about any of this stuff. He just realized that he wanted to live as a female, and seems to think it's simple. He insists he doesn't see himself as female, but as "other," but did ask me to call him by a female version of his name, hence my hesitation about which pronouns are right. I suppose he hasn't decided yet.

I told him that if he gets kicked out and comes to Thailand he would have to deposit money in my account to cover two months expenses until he got an income flow, and we'd live as friends as he sorts himself out, gender identity-wise.

But here in Thailand he wouldn't have trans resources or support groups, since Thai people pay no attention to alternate gender identities.
To them, there's no reason for drama; just change the way you dress, take hormones if you wish, and move on.

His negative behavior when with me was sometimes becoming suicidally depressed-which could have stemmed from suppressing a female personality, several times becoming dangerously jealous and taking revenge on me (calling people trying to get me fired, and worse) if I was paying too much attention to my work.

He was a great husband most of the time, so if he does change for the better, he might be a great companion. We used to travel the world, ride and drive horses year round, camp outdoors year around, go ballroom/jitterbug dancing most weekends, and I'd have to be quick to do the housework..if I turned my back even to put something away, he'd have finished it for me when I turned back around.

But it's too early to speculate on how things will shake out, relationship or marriage-wise. Transition isn't a walk in the park and he'd have to cope with divorce, moving, changing jobs, changing countries, etc. as well.
Plus, living like a woman wouldn't necessarily improve his troubling past behavior.
I did tell him that if he started to act out, I would ask him to move to another apartment building, but maybe I'm being naive to think that would be enough.

QuoteMaybe it's possible to get so lost in the act that one forgets it is an act at all.

From a day to day standpoint, I think that's true. As a survival mechanism, you convince yourself that what you're faking so well, is real.....otherwise, how could I be so convincing?

Well, my "problem" just solved itself.

I was wondering if my ex had changed and from the last email, I see he/she hasn't changed at all.

It was as selfish and calculating as could be possible, indicating that the only person he/she loves is hirself.

So, I emailed back that I'm out of this, and not to come here.

Now I find I feel crushed, and disappointed all over again. Apparently, suspicious as I was, I still subconsciously hoped my almost perfect mate would finally be perfect for me.

Ouch. I think I'd better go for a mountain hike and raise my spirits.

Quote from: Raell on November 06, 2016, 08:41:03 AM

His negative behavior when with me was sometimes becoming suicidally depressed-which could have stemmed from suppressing a female personality, several times becoming dangerously jealous and taking revenge on me (calling people trying to get me fired, and worse) if I was paying too much attention to my work.

i would suggest you stay away from this person. this would be best for both of you. he has some demons to sort out, and may or may not do so.  if you feel you need someone in your own life maybe you should find someone else.

 

Quote from: Raell on November 05, 2016, 09:12:54 AM
My ex-husband is a 6' 1", muscular, gorgeous, ex-Navy pilot, ex-airline pilot, has Masters in engineering, etc. He was a great husband in many ways, great dancer, gave me two-hour foot rubs every night, etc. BUT he was very jealous of anything that took my attention off of him, gossipy, a Mama's boy, treacherous, rigid, fussy..girly in some ways..even ironed his shirts and pants every day, dressed impeccably.

We divorced in 2010 and I moved to Thailand to teach, where an old friend outed me as a partial transmale. I then realized I've thought of myself as male all my life, but I have enough female identity to stay as I am. Besides, Thailand accepts a Third gender, so nobody cares what you call yourself or how you dress. I'm asexual/demisexual, so never bothered to pursue another relationship, although people of both genders kept trying to interest me.

A few months ago my ex started emailing me on some pretext, saying that he missed me, that he wished he were as brave as I am (I'd told him I'm partially transmale),said he wanted to come out as bisexual. I told him off, said I wasn't interested, and beside, wasn't he still married? Not my problem.

But after a month or so he returned to the chase..he wanted to move to Thailand, his wife had health problems so couldn't have relations, thought sex was dirty, he wanted to come out as bi. I gave him the same irritated response, saying I had no intention of being his halfway house while he dated men.

BUT then, several days ago, he said he is going to transition to live as a woman. He said he feels more like an "other" if he were to check a gender box, but wants to dress as a woman and grow breasts. And, move to Thailand and be with me, because I'm the only man for her.

This floored me. He had my attention at "You're the only man for me!"

I'm a bit puzzled. It seemed to come out nowhere. Can people suddenly be trans?? I guess, that was true in my case, so I can't really dismiss him. But he's still married, and taking care of a sick wife who has swollen feet and can barely walk (he says).
He was a treacherous sort in the past, and I keep wondering if this is some ploy to gain my sympathy, plus give him a valid reason to dump his marriage.

Another weird thing; I'm very attracted to tall, muscular women and transwomen, although not sexually, being demisexual. I had just been thinking that my "ideal mate" would be a female version of my ex.

I'm used to transwomen telling tales of feeling that way all their lives..this is weird.

I got an email from him today saying that his wife said she's taking him to a marriage counselor, and that he planned to come out as a woman there. His wife, and in fact, his entire family are wealthy, religious Republicans, so he could suddenly find himself thrown out and friendless.

From his cheerful, simplistic email, he may not realize the possible consequences of this claim.
I did send him a list of links to non-binary support groups in his area.

your topic is very interesting however I feel that there has all ways been that if this is his feelings it has been hidden for a long time. For my own part  as I look back on life is that Female side has been there all along but kept it hidden as you get older it is harder to keep hidden and you feel that you must act before its too late