Hello. My name is Yuu. 22 years old.
I am new to this site and thought I'd share some thoughts that I've been keeping inside of me for a long time. Maybe too long..

Honestly, I dont know where to start, but to make a long story short; Im confused whether I really am trans or not?

I didnt really have any symptoms as a child. But a few years ago, things changed?
Its been a while, so I dont remember how it all started. But it did.
I had long hair, was quite feminine...ish? Maybe. Ive been thru alot of fashion styles and what not, but ever since I got that first haircut (around the age of 14), things changed. Slowly I got more and more masculine. it started mainly with fashion..But then my mind tagged along after a while. Now, I am 22 and it seems to get worse with age.

When I watch videos of men.. see their chest, or how they can wear tight shirt and look flat..it gives me a odd emotion, and many times I start to randomly cry...when I see their body.
I hate my voice, I always make it lower when I talk. Im way better at male fashion than female fashion.
And when I look in the mirror and see myself as a man, I like myself to the point of almost feeling narcissistic (Laughs)

But, then there is one BIG issue.

These past few years, things had gotten awfully bad, and its slowly driving me /literally/ insane.
It has come to the point where I got something I, myself, call a split personality.
I do not have memory loss, but also feel like I dont have control over it.
To make it short; One side is female, the other is male.
This has made it VERY difficult for me to know whether I am trans(FtM) or not ..

One example of my female side:
I do feel ok as a female when that side of me is out.
thoughts such as "I can be happy like this, cant I? "
"Its easier to be like this"
"I'll be accepted as a female, so I will be happy as one no?"
"I wonder...."
And a lot more..

But them my male side comes out, its the opposite..
"I cant stand that female side. I want it gone."
"I cant take it anymore I want a flat chest so bad.."
"But.. I am so scared I wont be accepted, and for that reason I wont be happy"
"Ive been suffering of depression for a VERY long time... what if I think Im trans because Im depressed?"
"I REALLY want a sex-change... but what if its all a phase, or due to depression, and I will end up regretting it?"

This has went on, and on, for a long time, and its killing me.
Its even been ruining all my relationships.
because both of those sides, has different preferences and likes.

Eg. One is submissive, the other dominant.
one prefers women, the other men.

Many times, When I am female, I think
"But.. he doesnt know the other side of me. he doesnt know the true me... we wont last"
but the female side does not think this way? Whys that I keep wondering...


its alot of chaos and thoughts.. and both of those sides drives me nts and idk whats real and whats not..
I dont even know who I am anymore..
which one is me.. what is what... its ..insane.

I apologize for such a long post..
I just had to get it out, I also apologize if nothing made any sense..
Its so many thoughts and I didnt know how to put it into words..

Welcome to Susan's Place. Its sounds like you are transgender and I will give you two links to explore. What you are describing sounds like you are are gender fluid/bigender so pay special attention to those descriptions and see if they fit what you feel. If they don't you will have a number of other possible descriptions that might fit. The first link is our WIKI and that will give you a view of what is transgender. The second link is "the transition channel" which will give you a better understanding of transsexualism.

It's possible for these feelings to come out at most any point in your life. We have a number of older members on the site who are dealing with this for the first time in their life. Should you have any additional questions, feel free to ask.

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Dear Yuukun,

"I also apologize if nothing made sense."  My dear friend, you cut a page right out of my book.

They first started treating me for depression a very long time ago, before it was recognized as an illness.  The used to say "neurosis."  There weren't any meds.  There was talk therapy and group therapy, but not nearly as effective as now.  No one really understood transgender, in spite of Christine Jorgensen.  I grew up in a conservative family in an even more conservative community and couldn't do anything to face and understand what was going on and depression was the result. 

The thing about depression is that it does all sorts of things to you that you don't expect.  The common opinion of depression is that it involves deep sadness.  That can be true, but I've found it's more a lack of feeling than bad feelings.  I heard someone say once that if you have depression hugging someone feels like leaning against a door.

It makes you too fat, or too thin.  It can make you sleep 14 hours a day or keep you awake all night.  It will make you think that a conversation you can't quite hear is about you.  It makes things that you've done or said that you regret or are ashamed of pop into your brain at unexpected times.  Then you have to live through the agony and self-condemnation all over again.  It can make you furious over the least things, even violent.  It can make you drink.  A lot.  And yes, it can destroy relationships.  You suspect the worst of your friends and loved ones, and communication is next to impossible.  This is mostly stuff that I've experienced- it didn't come from a book.

When I was 22 I was in the process of losing my first wife- not that I didn't have my share of the responsibility for the breakup but I'm convinced that depression had a lot to do with it.  The second marriage broke up 30 years later- I hadn't learned a thing.

Finally Prozac came out, and a lot of other drugs followed.  I was on most of them at one point or another.  My mood would swing back and forth- from extreme melancholy to elation.  My diagnosis wound up as "bipolar 2- rapid cycling".  More pills- to deal with this now.

Yuukun, don't ask me what it was that happened.  At some point early this year thoughts began to rattle around in my mind that I had suppressed for a very long time.  For some reason depression cleared enough to give me time to look at them.  I won't bore you with details, but they all involved a part of me that I'd kept hidden because I was ashamed and embarrassed of her- the woman within.  Depression had been in the way of looking at her.  Because I couldn't look at her I got more depressed.  I became more depressed and she became impossible to see.  See how that works?

I consulted a therapist who I knew dealt with gender that I had known for some time and dropped all this on her.  Instead of "bipolar 2, rapid cycling" she said "transgender".  That sounds a lot better, doesn't it?  And now that I'm doing HRT the depression is gone.  I haven't experienced it in months.  It had no reason to hang around any more.

I'm not a mental health professional, but to me it sounds like something is interfering with your ability to reason and think clearly.  There's an awful lot going on inside you, and it could be (I'm not saying that it definitely is!) depression working on you- doing some of the things to you that it did to me.  It breaks my heart to know that someone is dealing with this.  It doesn't fight fair.

Do you have a therapist?  If not, and you can't afford one, maybe you can find a group.  In my community a local hospital has set up depression-oriented groups that are moderated by a trained lay leader.  They're free to anyone.  And there are transgender groups as well- though I'm not so familiar with them.

I think that this post is longer than yours!  I hope that somewhere in it you'll find something that will help clear the fog away.  My very best wishes to you, Yuukun.

Nancys Girl