Hi guys, I'm new to the site, looking for some help!

I THINK, I'm FtM trans. But how do I KNOW?

What is it that sealed the deal - so to speak - for you? How did you move from 'maybe' to 'definitely'?

I'm sure most of you have been where I am right now, so I'm really hoping a few of you are willing to take the time to give your advice (thank you SO much to anyone who does, it would mean a lot to me, and I would be infinitely grateful!)

Thanks much!

Well I didn't think I was trans until I was 19 and spent 3 yrs wondering the same until not being about to stand the crushing dysphoria/ depression anymore and thinking WTH; I've tried to live this far as female without feeling happy or comfortable; I having nothing to lose if I see if living as male would be better. I think every trans person hits this wall eventually. Not to say you won't still have doubts. Even changing my name and starting T I thought what in earth was I doing.  Once a few months on T and my brain had adjusted I feel a lot better. I don't like all the changes on T and being nb I don't 100% love being referred to as male but when I think about how bad my dysphoria was pre T; no way do I want to stop medical or social transitioning.

Thanks so much for your input, Elis. I'm pretty much at that point now, so maybe it's time I gave it a go!

Quote from: DrewDaAren on November 16, 2016, 06:19:06 AM
Hi guys, I'm new to the site, looking for some help!

I THINK, I'm FtM trans. But how do I KNOW?

What is it that sealed the deal - so to speak - for you? How did you move from 'maybe' to 'definitely'?

I'm sure most of you have been where I am right now, so I'm really hoping a few of you are willing to take the time to give your advice (thank you SO much to anyone who does, it would mean a lot to me, and I would be infinitely grateful!)

The fact that I always had a massive issue with sex and being the "female" in any relationship. It didn't go away over time and with experience. I had huge dysphoria over female genitalia, pregnancy... but not over women in general... and dysphoria over boobs.

Every other aspect of life was manageable because you can actually live fairly well without necessarily confronting the issue of "being female" in Western society - contrary to popular belief, being a woman here isn't bad at all and you aren't forced to have your nose rubbed in it daily and forced to acknowledge your "femaleness" in every aspect of life here. So it's relatively easy to ignore in some respects.

However when it comes to the bedroom and relationships - you cannot ignore it and the problem is absolutely unavoidable there. And because of that, I knew I had a genuine problem.

T.K.G.W., that is pretty much my issue! Thank you so much for that, it really helps.

When I started investigating whether I might be trans, I looked back at my life to see how various attitudes and incidents might fit in with that.  As it turned out, and what convinced me, was that pretty much everything fit perfectly:
- wishing I was a girl at age 7 (the girl in the photo had such a cute dress!)
- cross-dressing from about age 13 on
- being sexually assaulted at age 16
- despising masculinity and jock culture
- rooting for the women's lib movement
- never being the initiator for sexual activity
- constant fantasizing about being a woman
- inability to stop cross-dressing

There was no one thing that stood out as convincing on its own, but, taken together, all those things were pretty definitive.  Suddenly, all that weird stuff made sense.

Quote from: DrewDaAren on November 16, 2016, 07:25:27 AM
T.K.G.W., that is pretty much my issue! Thank you so much for that, it really helps.

No problem! Glad to help.

Being gendered one way made me dysphoric (angry, sad, scared, disgusted) and being gendered the other way made me feel good. 

Welcome to Susan's Place. One of the rules is if you are here or if you think you are transgender, you are but that's not really enough proof for you. What would help you more is to learn more about yourself. As gender therapist would be beneficial but for starters I have two links for you. The first is our WIKI where you will be able to learn more about ->-bleeped-<-. The second is "the transition channel" which is more directed at transsexualism but you may still learn from it. Feel free to keep asking questions as we all started where you are now.

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it differs for everyone. How did I know was aided by my being intersex and several things that went along with that fact, but in the end one of things that only made it even more evident was that relationship aspect. In fact, I avoided them all because of what was down below and how I felt about it. So your not alone in that feeling. Hugs
Mariah

Quote... all the weird stuff suddenly makes sense...

For me, it was when in retrospect, I could suddenly explain a huge number of 'quirks'...

My partner frequently accuses me of being *such a girl*, I can't relate to cis-men; my friends are mostly female (>90%); the list goes on, in pretty much the standard story. It was only when I started looking at my story, that odd behaviour and profound sense of not fitting could only be consistently explained by being trans.

It was that moment of realisation, when I knew - and the relief of that self understanding was immense. The follow-up OMG was panicky, but I have much better come to terms with it now...

Sno

A lot of things pointed me this way. Things that stood out in my life. I originally knew when I was sixteen, but once I hit eighteen I tried to ignore it and did ignore it for almost eleven years. A question that really resonated with me, when I was trying to figure it out, actually come from someone where.

Do I really want to live the rest of my life, and eventually die, as a woman? And the answer was a giant no.

Every time I would think about just not being trans, it hurt. I can't imagine not being a man. I can't imagine continuing my life as a female like I did for so long. Once I started changing subtle things, like my hair cut, clothes, etc, I realized just how much it connected with me and felt right.

For me, I'm a newbie to this whole thing, I have been angry with myself for a very long time (since puberty), and I have never liked how I looked. Life has always just been there to fill my time and I really didn't have too many second thoughts about it until my most recent job  where I've actually got an income to support myself and no horribly long hours to fill up my day. I needed a break from the "go go go" with my more laid back job and reflection on my feelings and trying to discover the source of my anger issues I have come to the conclusion that I am trans and I don't want to quit exploring until I feel better about who I am.

I was born into a conservative missionary family, so assumed I am a hetero female. I didn't know about anything other than the gender binary.

I had my Eureka moment soon after I moved to Thailand in 2010, while reading Transgender Voices: Beyond Women and Men. The book said your "gender identity" is the gender YOU think you are.

To my shock, I realized I thought of myself as male. Next, I realized I'd always known that.

Signs I'd missed:

When my childhood girlfriends became "boy crazy" I thought they had become boring and dumped them.

My best friends were boys, and I was the leader. They told me later they were terrified at trying to follow me as I climbed ever higher into the treetops to build forts, and only did it for fear of me mocking them for "being a girl."

My mom told both me and brothers not to "hit girls." At the time I only thought it was unfair, since my younger sisters were totally annoying.

My brothers and friends treated me as a boy. During school volleyball games, my male team mates would say to me, "Stand between those two girls and cover the ball if it comes your way."

I tended to compete with men and confront them. I didn't have a clue that cis females don't deal with men that way.

My reaction to a man looking me over was to immediately meet their eyes with an aggressive "What are YOU looking at" glare that caused them to look away, startled.

I only hung with men as pals, to gain a dance partner, etc. When I got married, it was only because as a loyal male, I couldn't say "no" to a pal.

I couldn't bear to see myself in the mirror or in photographs

I don't ever flirt with men.

My idea of having fun is climbing cliffs and wading in swamps taking photos of rare tropical birds and animals and selling them on mini stock photo websites.

My current car is a motorbike (I live in southern Thailand).

I have always dressed androgynously, and would get physically ill for two days after attending church when married, with kids, after having to present in a dress, hose and heels. Eventually, I compromised and only attended night services that allowed women to wear pants and casual shoes.

And I'm only 60% transmale!
I actually have a 40% female side that I must consider also, so I live as a non-binary partially transmale, or androgyne.

Quote from: DrewDaAren on November 16, 2016, 06:19:06 AM
I THINK, I'm FtM trans. But how do I KNOW?

a) while masturbating one night, I surprised myself thinking I had my legs spread out, with a man on me. Note that, among 100 people I might like, only 4 would be men.
b) that lasted for less than 20 seconds, then the whole thing was done (sorry I'm wearing a male body after all).

That night I went from "I'm so confused" to "OK THERE'S DEFINITELY SOMETHING GOING ON!"

Edit: also these:

c) reading on this forum, as Dena said above, "if you are questioning, you probably are trans". It made me stop and think but not scratch my head.
d) reading on this forum "if you could choose to be a cis woman tomorrow, would you do so?" and having a loud OH YES! as answer.

I never knew or even thought I was Trans. I always thought I was somehow a pervert because i wanted to be a woman. The desire has always been there but I did not see any practical application that would make a difference. That was back in the 70's. Thanks to Susan's I have some answers to long term questions, forty years later. First big step I made was after 7 attempts to reveal my inner self to therapist and making up a cockamamie excuse that I was there because of stress. As a result I got group therapy and learned "Mindfulness". This time I was determined to spill the beans. By the second session I had discovered I was trans. and for this reason I allowed my first wife to walk away. At the third session she had my treatment letter. I have been on  HRT for three months now and cannot recall except the birth of my kids anything else that has made me happier.

Quote from: KathyLauren on November 16, 2016, 07:41:58 AM
When I started investigating whether I might be trans, I looked back at my life to see how various attitudes and incidents might fit in with that.  As it turned out, and what convinced me, was that pretty much everything fit perfectly:
- wishing I was a girl at age 7 (the girl in the photo had such a cute dress!)
- cross-dressing from about age 13 on
- being sexually assaulted at age 16
- despising masculinity and jock culture
- rooting for the women's lib movement
- never being the initiator for sexual activity
- constant fantasizing about being a woman
- inability to stop cross-dressing

There was no one thing that stood out as convincing on its own, but, taken together, all those things were pretty definitive.  Suddenly, all that weird stuff made sense.

Isn't it great the first time you realize you are not alone and there are others out there just like you. I just wish I had learned many years earlier.

My experiences
-Wishing to be a girl at age 4.
-Cross dressing starting around 11 continued through early teens, then just to scared of getting caught again to keep doing it. Always felt "right" in female clothes. Sometimes forgot for a few moments that I was a boy.
-Always unhappy with my maleness of my body.
-Unable to fit into the masculine group, eventually trained myself to act male enough. This still causes me issues with being me today. Around guys I am always self conscious and on guard to not act unmanly.
-always fantasizing about being female.
-always female mentally when masterbating
-feeling offended when guys talked about girls the way they do
-never initiating sex, but wanting to be the seducer in the bedroom
-always emotional and sensitive no matter how deeply buried it was
-strong wanting for a baby and to experience pregnancy
-feelings of happiness for then jealousy of pregnant women

For me I always knew. I just never thought there was a real option so for my entire life I kept telling myself no matter what I felt I had to deal with what is.

Everyone experiences thing differently so don't judge your experience based on others. Only you know what you feel.

Starting hormones was all it took to know for sure I'm female and will continue HRT forever. Deciding on surgery has been a little more time and complexity but #1 on that has been spending enough time on HRT to feel fully comfortable as female.

The short answer is: I don't know. I just feel.