So while my wife was initially very supportive when I came out she has had time to think about what she wants from life. Basically she wants me to be happy and doesn't want to stand in the way of that but now sees that going down this path is not something she can do with me. I understand her feelings as much as I can. So it seems long term if transition is my future she will not be there. Seems like cross dressing is where her limit may lie. I understand that but dressing is just playing pretend to me. It cannot fulfill me. My choices then become continue to follow the transition path or put it all away again because I don't think I make make it feeling and not being me. Either I loose myself or the person I most care about.

I'm sitting at home alone right now bordering on that dark place. That's not an option but the feeling of depression is very real. Life sucks and then you die. The question is what road to take. Free myself or live in the shackles for the convenience of others. Either road right one likely means a divorce so maybe I should choose myself for once in this lifetime. Right now it's just too much to continue thinking about.

Sorry just needing an outlet.

Josie your not alone. So many have had to face this same dilemma in the end it comes down to what is more important to you at a given moment. In other words which need is strong? Is it transitioning or is staying with your spouse and stuck at nothing more than dressing. I was fortunate enough to not be tied down by a spouse coming into transition so the choice was easier for me, but I know often it isn't so clear cut and either choice can be painful. I wish you the best of luck sorting between the two. If it helps to make a list of the pros and cons of each choice to help sort things out, then you might have better idea as to what to do at this given moment. Hugs
Mariah

I'm so sorry, Josie, but yes, it sounds like it is finally time to take care of yourself.

I've been down a very similar path, posted elsewhere on this site.  Ultimately, I faced a short, unpleasant life trying to please others who were uncomfortable with me, or the possibility of a long and happy life, now with people who are comfortable with me, as I make new friends and social contacts.

This will be uncomfortable in the short term either way, so please, look to the longer term and take care of yourself for once.

Hi Josie

I completely understand your dilemma, and having recently made the decision (2 months ago) it is still very fresh.

I am not sure if this will help you or not but in the end it was not really a choice for me.

As it happens me burying my feelings just made me a very unhappy person to the point where my SO decided she needed to go.

So my recommendation is you will need to make the right decision for you and hope others understand but in saying that you might be able to hide the unhappiness better than I could

Take care
Steph

Thank you all.
No I really couldn't hide the unhappiness from her or anyone. The best I could ever do was be flat. Right now I see both choices end much the same for us. If I'm miserable and she knows her needs caused it she will not stay. If I follow my needs she will not stay.

I'm feeling better than earlier. I picked the kids up from school. It's hard to stay depressed when they need so much more from you. They are my light in the darkest moments.

This could be the story of my situation with my wife.
I love her dearly, and in that love for now I am willing to procrastinate on transition.
I am 64 years old. I will check with my wife for the green light every 3 to 5 years.
My family genetics is such that most likely I will outlive my wife for possible 20 years, based on her family genetics.
I will bury my need to live as a woman for years at a time if necessary.
I will not die until after I transition. If it takes me another 20 years I know I will get there, hopefully much sooner than 20 years from now, and hopefully with my wife's blessing and hand in renewing our vows of marriage as two wives.
One day. One day. One day. One day.

I only hope that my wife will want to stay with me if I decide to transition completely, I have had the best years of my life with her and she is everything to me. I have not told her yet about my dysphoria. Even though she buys me clothes and stuff for me to be female in the bedroom, I don't know what's going to happen when I decide to tell her. 10 years and 2 amazing children we have and I don't want my changing to be the end of what we built. She is a truly amazing and accepting person though and when I find the right way to tell her, she may just decide to stay. I will always love her regardless of which way she decides when the time comes.

I wish you the best of luck with your wife whichever way your decision lands.

My wife and I both place the other's happiness above our own. So I know the dilemma all too well. When I first dropped the T-Bomb on her.... well "Supportive" could describe her feelings on top of a ton of others starting with Betrayal. She always knew I had "Gender Issues" and of my transition experiments which led to settling on being "Just a Cross-Dresser". Being a CD was the default, no other viable option which included waking up on the sunny side of the grass. Fast forward a few decades and I eventually broke, as well morphed into a lifeless, soulless thing that existed only to do what was expected.

Her level of "Support" grew over time as my personal growth took place. A medical and especially a social transition was not even on my radar. Been there, tried it twice. But those convictions changed as I shed tons of emotional baggage learning who the real me is, not the "expected" me. She changed from "No-Way, No-How if you _____" to being the one to say, "I'd be OK now if you want to start HRT".

I still live and present primarily as male. In a perfect world I'd fully transition. My world isn't perfect. It is a mass of compromises. Compromises that bring me joy, have a wife that loves me more then ever, a totally fun career. I still do not feel I Need to transition. Most days are good, few days not so good. If the balance changes I would transition. Just maybe my wife will be there by my side. I suspect so but even today she cannot think of me as a husband thanks to the HRT.

One day at a time

Quote from: josie76 on November 16, 2016, 01:29:24 PM
Seems like cross dressing is where her limit may lie. I understand that but dressing is just playing pretend to me. It cannot fulfill me. My choices then become continue to follow the transition path or put it all away again because I don't think I make it feeling and not being me.

Isn't this it in a nutshell? What chance do you think there is of shutting it all down?

I am not telling you what to do. That word pretend or pretender. My whole decision to transition centered on that one word. I got down to my desperation point 2 years ago. I realized I had spent over 50 years pretending to be. I pretended I fit in as a guy. I pretended that I could run  from my thoughts. Sadly, I had to pretend in the bedroom because the reality of my body was such a cruel joke. I realized I had run out of my ability to will myself to pretend any longer. I did not face the choice you do. I try not to sit hear and regret, but sometimes I regret wasting all that time deceiving myself. I would just say be honest with yourself about the strength of your feelings. Don't accept something that in your heart you know is not really true. Good luck Josie!
Moni

Well for an update if anyone's interested, we had a very long and sometimes heated talk. She has a better understanding of the need to change even if it doesn't make sense to her. We may be alright in the end.
I made a call to get in with a new primary care doctor in the city today as my current doctor has been my provider since I was a kid. Small towns are not the kind of place I want to be out in right now just in case. He's also retirement age. I also moved up my next psychiatrist appointment so I can get that discussion started. Also called a transgender only endo who works at one of the big hospitals and universities in the city. I need a letter from my psychiatrist before making my first appointment there.

Good that you had a long conversation with your wife about this.  Keep it up.  It's not easy but it helps.

Good luck and remember, you've had years to think about this, she's had a few days.

A good reminder for myself and SO is simply "Do what you've always done and get what you've always gotten".

If the past made you unhappy doing it again would be no different.

My own SO used to wish I could go back but I'd changed so much I had to remind her she really didn't want the pre-me version of him anyway and in the end had to agree with me that she does prefer me to him. Once that was established the rest becomes details.

Not a rosy path as each "new" thing would shatter her world then she'd accept and stabilise until the next change when it would all repeat. Once she recognised the pattern we both knew I had to be complete for us to really think about the future fairly.

Changing takes up so much mental space, money and time she can feel sidelined but once it's all done there will be no more changes just me, her and the kids.

Hopefully with reflection your own wife will arrive as a similar or better position. The fact she's with you so far is a great start though so fingers crossed.

Hi Josie! I hope you are feeling better these days! 

Lots of us have passed or are passing through the same situation (myself included)...
As our wives cannot demand us to not be ourselves, we cannot also demand them to be lesbians and accept to live with a woman. It is about each one identification with who we really are.
Buuuut, I think sometimes things can be slowly adjusting.

One thing that is working for me is to try to agree a middle-term. I will start soon very slowly on hormones, and keep on feminizing little by little. She will be by my side and trying to adapt to these changes and seeing if things can work out.
But I guess for it to work it has to go very slowly.

I started by waxing, then adjusted a little but my eyebrows (actually I changed it a lot for the first time and she didn't like and asked me to have my origina eyebrows back. I let it grow back and today I have it just a little rounded), putting a earring on my right ear (I already had on the left), using pink or typical female accessories (well, there I have always done)... and now my body will too start to transition. As I said, little by little... giving her time to adjust and see that I'm still the same person inside and we can still be happy together.


I'm not sure if someday she will not stand anymore. But I'm sure she is trying and that makes me love her even more. Even if we come to a split on our lives - and that would be devastating - I always let her know she is the best person I've even met and I'll take her forever inside of me and in my skin! (I have a tattoo with her name).

Best wishes!!

Thank you Annushka, yes I'm feeling better. Taking things day by day.
Since telling her I have made a lot of changes. Some she was fine with. I dress all girl at home. My mannerisms are my natural ones, not the choreographed masculine ones she was used to. I shaved my beard of nearly 10 years, trimmed and plucked my brows, and shaved all my body hair. I keep my nails buffed and polished except for work.
She loves that I'm suddenly open to so many things that I would have never done before. We redecorated our room with her letting me pick out some colors and sheets. She has bought me clothes and taken me to buy my own. She has been awesome and I love her so much!
All of that has been great for me. She still has issues with the truth of it all. Realizing how my repression of myself had affected our relationship over the years. We have been through stuff that  often would have torn couples apart. I will avoid going into those tales of loss. She is trying to be positive but she has understandable concerns about wether my parts will still work and if we will have the ability of a sex life as I change. She has asked me several times if I'm just gay and that's the issue. I have been completely open with her about my interests but that I am still only physically attracted to women. She loves me but she is not certain if a women is enough for her physically. I have expressed that if she needs to find herself something else to be happy I will understand after all I initiated this change in our dynamic not her.
Honestly long term the only reason why I would not get GCS would be for her. She got upset and angry when I mentioned possibly getting orchiectomy to avoid the side effects of spironolactone. We are on a long hard road. She was talking about moving into her moms and working on her own future the other day. Other times she has talked about us renewing our vows in a fancy ceremony this time. My one source of sadness in this process is that I have forced these thoughts and choices on her.
She has begrudgingly given her ok for me to move forward with HRT. I tried to just explain the emotion of the disphoria and how it is overwhelming when I am not completely surpressing myself. To her it seemed like I was pouting. She still doesn't see how completely broken I feel inside. I put on too much of a manly show all these years almost never letting her see my pains. It is hard for her to really see me for now most of the time.

I'm sorry this seems like I'm just blubbering. I brought myself to tears typing this. I guess that's good therapy in itself. I believe things are getting better. I'm trying to move at as slow of a pace as I can bear. I want to just sprint into this headlong so badly. I'm just so tired of not really living.

It is good you are being so understanding with each other. Hard enough for us to get to know ourselves and we're on the inside. To others at first we look and almost sound the same; as in the voice is familiar even if your words aren't.

Great that she is enjoying things with you she couldn't before which is a major plus and opens her to the possibility that it doesn't necessarily have to be the worst thing ever but could maybe ,impossible as it seem now, be the best.

Physically for y'know sex I don't honestly know anything about it. Personally I have no impulses to use it (which for me is a relief) nor have I tried to but I've heard it's possible to keep it working enough with or without Viagra. I'm sure someone will respond who knows more about it.

In the end you alone are finally in control of your body. It all comes down to your own choices. There is no right of wrong way to transition it's just about what's right or wrong for you.

You choose where, when, how and if to transition. Fun and scary to suddenly have so much power over your own life.

Quote from: josie76 on November 25, 2016, 08:01:50 AMShe is trying to be positive but she has understandable concerns about wether my parts will still work and if we will have the ability of a sex life as I change. She has asked me several times if I'm just gay and that's the issue. I have been completely open with her about my interests but that I am still only physically attracted to women.

If you're a woman attracted to women, then you are gay.  That your wife thinks your possible attraction to men would make you gay indicates she still thinks you're a man.

QuoteShe loves me but she is not certain if a women is enough for her physically. I have expressed that if she needs to find herself something else to be happy I will understand after all I initiated this change in our dynamic not her.

This is a very mature approach.

You have to do what's right for you, and she has to do what's right for her.  If you both are true to yourselves, then regardless of whether your relationship continues or ends, it will be the right thing.  Invest in the process, not the outcome.

Thanks girls,
Although I know I am in control of my own situation, like so many others I am trying to balance my needs with the needs of others. It's just what you do when you love them, right? As far as sex yes I've read many times that it can still work. I rarely have had the normal male want for years anyway. I really needed the right emotional trigger to want sex. I am hopefully believing that this will continue once my body gets used to the HRT. I do really want the orchiectomy. I have had to resist the urge to do it myself a number of times in life. I'm already snipped anyway, why have them at all right.
Sophia you have a way of clearing the mudle of emotional thought. thanks. She's is still coming to terms between who I am and the man she thought she married.