Hey all so iv been to loughlinstown twice now after previously always cancelling my appointments in the past due to not knowing my own mind completely but now iv become sure it's right for me but I still find being called Ava and she strange as if it's laughable or it's not me they are referring too... even though I'm happy to be seen as a woman ? I don't feel motivated for a name change hugely though I will do it Maybe a part of me doesn't believe I am... maybe a part of me doesn't want to because iv chopped  and changed many times before maybe I few having it on paper and solid changes because then they've to be undone but I certainly want to be perceived as a woman and all Idk my brains weird maybe many people feel this at the beginning I fear that I'm actually not trans ?? I'm 20 I really need you guys and girls support even a small comment to support would be hugely appreciated xxx

Confusion is a very common emotion here.  At some time we were all confused about ourselves, the process, the future, our friends, our emotions, which shoes match this outfit (but that's a different thread) .... The list of things to be confused about is enormous. 

You should be who you are.  It's society that's confused as to who you are.  Deep down, buried beneath all the social norms, you probably know who you are.  I'm just learning that.  Some weeks have more lessons than others, but you will figure it out.

Ava, that is all perfectly normal.  I think many of us had strong self-doubts when we first came out and sought help.

There's a nasty thing called 'imposter syndrome' that seems to bite many of us.  We spend time pretending to be someone in our birth gender, and fearing that we will be 'found out'.  I tried to be a guy, to the extent that I took on some fairly dangerous jobs and took stupid risks; "Hey, hold my beer and see how manly I am..."

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Impostor_syndrome

We can generalize this fear of being discovered to the point that we apply it everywhere, at home, in our professions ("What if management discovers I'm a fraud?", in spite of being a top performer...), and even to ourselves as we come out ("What if I'm really faking it?  Can I pass as transgender to this doctor?")

It's just our natural uncertainty and self-awareness running a little bit amuck.  As you work with your therapist, they'll help you relax a bit, and gradually learn to disclose more of your feelings to them, and even more important, to yourself. 

Just give it a little time, a few more sessions.  Try to be as open and honest as you can with the therapist.  They are there to help you, not judge you. They can help you to find your true self.

You're doing the right thing now, by seeing the therapist.  Just keep it up and find your path!

Hugs
Michelle