Hi All, I am new here and have a question. My SO is MTF, I have known in some way about it for 6 years (started with crossdressing) and the last 2 years living part time as a transwoman (not out at work). My SO is now considering starting HRT and my biggest concern is sex. We have have a wonderful sexual relationship now, we have sex nearly every day and it comes very easy for us. Our sex now would be considered mostly heterosexual in nature with a mixture of anal for both of us and other types of play. My fear, and its crippling me at times, is once she starts HRT our sex life will drastically change and penetrating sex will no longer be an option. I hear after some time HRT makes the penis smaller, less likely to become erect and with prolonged time on HRT, just not usable at all. My SO has no desire as of now to have a SRS (though orchiectomy is on the table) and states she enjoys her penis and doesnt want to change it for now, and while I enjoy other forms of sex, being penetrated, by a real penis, is something I fear, I know, I can not live the rest of my life without. I would love to hear other people stories of how their sex life evolved, what I could be in store for. I have read a lot, and know it can vary a lot. Im looking for some hope.

Well, for sure sex will evolve as HRT performa its duties, but that is not to say there will not be any. I think my partner likes where things have gone since I started HRT, but it defintely does not occur as often.

She has told me that the connection we have now when love making is something she did not see coming about, but it did! For me, I can be as satisfied as ever just being curled up feeling her warmth and breathing. Hard to explain, but what we lost in drive for quantity has most certainly been replaced with quality!

There is no way to know where things will go in relation to what you enjoy now, bit I somehow doubt what will replace it will be bad.

Sent from Kaity's Fab Phone!

Welcome to Susan's Place. This is when communication is very important. Communication between you and your SO to make sure you are on the same page. Communication between your SO and the doctor treating her. Before surgery, it's possible to regulate the blockers to reduce but not eliminate testosterone production. As long as there is some, functionality should be maintained. After surgery the issues will be to supplement the natural testosterone level if needed to maintain functionality. I had SRS and my testosterone is in the feminine range but well below masculine levels so the body always produces some but you will need an endo that is willing to find what works for you as a couple.

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I certainly wonder similarly to my own situation, my sexual relationship with my wife has never been better since I opened up to her about my liking women's clothing and wanting to dress up in the bedroom, however hrt may be what I need to feel better about myself and i don't want my sex life to suffer, but if I had a good self image and my anger issues were resolved 100% then my sex drive had slowed down, I would be willing to accept that for so much good.

I have (younger) friends who have no problems with either functional erection or orgasm, however conflicted they may be about anatomy, it still works for them. I also have friends closer to my age who have healthy and very happy sex lives, I don't happen to know the details.

For me after about 4 months on HRT my libido had been pretty drastically affected. I don't think that was only about the estrogen but a large component had to be. I was simply less interested in sex and while I could perform once in the mood, I had to work pretty hard to get to that mood before getting started.

Since adjusting hrt to include progesterone, my sex drive is much better. I'm quite able to become erect and if penetration isn't really my cup of tea anymore and I now need a different kind of foreplay to get warmed up, then for now sex is still mutually satisfying.

I know not everyone needs progesterone and it seems to not help some girls. I do think it bodes well that you both enjoy a varied sex life as that seems to be the most important element.

I am expecting to proceed to vaginoplasty, my gf is not 100% happy about this and I know that while we've been able to have great sex with me using a strapon, it doesn't offer me the degree of feedback as for PIV. On the receiving end I have been done by women who seem very able to empathize using a harness, my gf isn't so far so good with it. We're working on that.

It helps that we're poly so that a more masculine approach to sex is something she can still experience when she needs that.

Interesting timing on this topic.  While I am at the very beginning of my journey, this was/is an area of concern for me.  My wife and I have talked about it and after the "heat of the moments" were over, she said something to the effect of "That is something I will miss"  or something very similar. I honestly don't recall if it was will or could,  I just remember a comment being made and I started to research it here and on other forums and sites.  I hope to see more information on this or find more because I would definitely like to know more before I consider HRT...which I am not rulong out.

Sexuality can certainly change the deeper one gets into transition.  But then, transition can change everything. It's very possible your SO may become dysphoric about her genitalia, for example, and then SRS will be back on the table -- because this kind of sexuality is highly gendered.  She may even want penetrative sex with a real penis, just like you.  It's impossible to say. 

And it's obvious that something has already changed, because now, after several years, she's wanting to make changes to her body. (Has she done facial hair removal and changed her voice?) Anyways, this makes sense, assuming she's gender dysphoric, because the dysphoria has a tendency to grow until everything that's necessary to be properly gendered by one's self, at the very least, and by all others (hopefully), has been accomplished.

My guess is that you'll be fine as long as you still like using your equipment. If it makes you dysphoric, that's another story.

I'm 12 months HRT and have no trouble getting erections and engaging in penetrative sex. A little bit of foreplay is useful but foreplay is fun in general. I enjoy having sex for longer now; HRT mostly cured premature ejaculation for me. The limiting factor is usually just physical exhaustion.

I take progesterone in addition to spiro and estradiol and I've heard that it's helpful for some women.

Quote from: newnina on November 15, 2016, 05:02:18 PM
Hi All, I am new here and have a question. My SO is MTF, I have known in some way about it for 6 years (started with crossdressing) and the last 2 years living part time as a transwoman (not out at work). My SO is now considering starting HRT and my biggest concern is sex. We have have a wonderful sexual relationship now, we have sex nearly every day and it comes very easy for us. Our sex now would be considered mostly heterosexual in nature with a mixture of anal for both of us and other types of play. My fear, and its crippling me at times, is once she starts HRT our sex life will drastically change and penetrating sex will no longer be an option. I hear after some time HRT makes the penis smaller, less likely to become erect and with prolonged time on HRT, just not usable at all. My SO has no desire as of now to have a SRS (though orchiectomy is on the table) and states she enjoys her penis and doesnt want to change it for now, and while I enjoy other forms of sex, being penetrated, by a real penis, is something I fear, I know, I can not live the rest of my life without. I would love to hear other people stories of how their sex life evolved, what I could be in store for. I have read a lot, and know it can vary a lot. Im looking for some hope.

HI Newnina,

I cannot assist with answering your question, however I wanted to welcome you to the SO section of the forum:) I found venturing into the other sections of the forum also very helpful.
Good luck for your journey along with your SO

Marie x

Quote from: kaitylynn on November 15, 2016, 07:35:11 PM
Well, for sure sex will evolve as HRT performa its duties, but that is not to say there will not be any. I think my partner likes where things have gone since I started HRT, but it defintely does not occur as often.

She has told me that the connection we have now when love making is something she did not see coming about, but it did! For me, I can be as satisfied as ever just being curled up feeling her warmth and breathing. Hard to explain, but what we lost in drive for quantity has most certainly been replaced with quality!

There is no way to know where things will go in relation to what you enjoy now, bit I somehow doubt what will replace it will be bad.

Sent from Kaity's Fab Phone!

Thanks for your reply. I could certainly go for a deeper connection and want to keep hope that what comes, with change for sure, is only better but still with the parts "parts" i enjoy

Quote from: PaulaLee on November 16, 2016, 08:57:49 AM
Interesting timing on this topic.  While I am at the very beginning of my journey, this was/is an area of concern for me.  My wife and I have talked about it and after the "heat of the moments" were over, she said something to the effect of "That is something I will miss"  or something very similar. I honestly don't recall if it was will or could,  I just remember a comment being made and I started to research it here and on other forums and sites.  I hope to see more information on this or find more because I would definitely like to know more before I consider HRT...which I am not rulong out.

I think that based off your wife's one comment and how much you are taking it to heart is so sweet. It speaks volumes to how much you value her in the journey. I hope you let her know what you are thinking and researching on her behalf. If I was her, I'd love to know that.

Interesting topic, I have a couple of questions. 

Has anyone tried Viagra or an erectile dysfunction ring in these situations?   There are many men who have this problem and these are some of the solutions.   

Does the erectile tissue atrophy because of HRT?  When someone stops HRT don't erections usually return with increased testosterone?  So wouldn't that mean the erectile tissue is still functional and might be able to be stimulated by something like Viagra?

Not sure, but interested to hear if others have tried this.
Paige

Quote from: Paige on November 18, 2016, 05:50:05 PM
Does the erectile tissue atrophy because of HRT?  When someone stops HRT don't erections usually return with increased testosterone? 

Just one data point, but I don't feel like I've had erectile tissue atrophy in my first 15 months on spiro (12 months E). Penis was average sized before and I still is. (Testicles are another story.) Certainly I have enough length and stiffness to penetrate and do other full stuff.

Quote from: Paige on November 18, 2016, 05:50:05 PM
Interesting topic, I have a couple of questions. 

Has anyone tried Viagra or an erectile dysfunction ring in these situations?   There are many men who have this problem and these are some of the solutions.   

Does the erectile tissue atrophy because of HRT?  When someone stops HRT don't erections usually return with increased testosterone?  So wouldn't that mean the erectile tissue is still functional and might be able to be stimulated by something like Viagra?

Not sure, but interested to hear if others have tried this.
Paige

I can still get erect and as far as know the penis won't atrophy from hrt alone and if you stop using it then the skin may shrink. I do have evidence that I have fewer, maybe no nocturnal erections now so that could be a factor.

As to Viagra, I started using it a year or two before starting HRT  in order to still be able to keep erect for longer sessions of sex and I find that it's still helpful, maybe more necessary than it was before HRT. Then again, age had been the primary reason to use it and I'm not getting any younger (60).

Some things to consider/ask... What intensity is her dysphoria? Perhaps low dose HRT is a better option? From what you've said there is little to no gentile dysphoria. I describe my own as I'd rather not have the dangly bits but we've had some really great times together. As with all things hormonal YMMV. During my life I've been on/off low dose for the much needed brain reset only to stop when things started to take a hit below the belt.

The other half of this situation is your feelings as time goes on and HRT perhaps bringing about physical changes. This is best summed up by quoting my wife; "Perhaps if you wore a tee shirt we can....". Which, needs to be put into perspective with another quote; "I can't think of you as a husband with nicer breasts then my own"

Which leads to one last thought, if her desire is just to have breasts, they can be had in an afternoon without having to deal with HRT

Quote from: JoanneB on November 19, 2016, 07:45:22 AM
Some things to consider/ask... What intensity is her dysphoria? Perhaps low dose HRT is a better option? From what you've said there is little to no gentile dysphoria. I describe my own as I'd rather not have the dangly bits but we've had some really great times together. As with all things hormonal YMMV. During my life I've been on/off low dose for the much needed brain reset only to stop when things started to take a hit below the belt.

The other half of this situation is your feelings as time goes on and HRT perhaps bringing about physical changes. This is best summed up by quoting my wife; "Perhaps if you wore a tee shirt we can....". Which, needs to be put into perspective with another quote; "I can't think of you as a husband with nicer breasts then my own"

Which leads to one last thought, if her desire is just to have breasts, they can be had in an afternoon without having to deal with HRT

Talking about her gender dysphoria is something we continually work on. We have very different styles of communication and have been in therapy for years to work on it. I feel we are finally starting to have the right conversations about it. So I really dont know how deep her dysphoria goes and I am worried it goes deeper than she realizes or is unable to tell me in an honest, just cant seems to find the words kind of a way. She does tell me she wants hormones not only for breast but for all the other reasons too, soft skin, softer figure, less body hair etc. I had brought up just as you described, if the need is just for breast, there is a much more straightforward solution.
I'm not sure how I will feel once she is more feminine with HRT and all the masculinity fades away. I am greatly attracted to masculinity and feel very conflicted on what will happen between us. But even now when I get so worried and scared and down right bawling over it all, when I see her I can't help but love her and long for her. I feel a bit of my own identity being called into question and I dont know what to make of that. I have always thought of myself as straight (minus one hard girl crush as a teenager) but I am turned on by the idea of her having breast and having sex with her like that. What the heck does that make me then? As far as identity goes I am more confused then ever.

Quote from: newnina on November 20, 2016, 03:48:49 PMI really dont know how deep her dysphoria goes and I am worried it goes deeper than she realizes or is unable to tell me in an honest, just cant seems to find the words kind of a way. She does tell me she wants hormones not only for breast but for all the other reasons too, soft skin, softer figure, less body hair etc. I had brought up just as you described, if the need is just for breast, there is a much more straightforward solution.

Basically, she's a woman, and wants her body and our society to adapt to that understanding.

QuoteI feel a bit of my own identity being called into question and I dont know what to make of that. I have always thought of myself as straight (minus one hard girl crush as a teenager) but I am turned on by the idea of her having breast and having sex with her like that. What the heck does that make me then?

That makes you a lover. 

Newnina, Your post sounds almost like I wrote it about myself, though my husband came out to me 18 years ago. His (he still identifies as male) transition has been very, very slow, small steps since then, and he's just now talking about orchiectomy with low dose estrogen, for now. Your story is nearly identical to my own as far as what the SO is planning at the moment, and our sexual reactions.

I'm heading quickly downhill into the valley of menopause, so we're not sure how long I'll be all that interested anyway, but we want to have the option if possible.

Quote from: newnina on November 15, 2016, 05:02:18 PM
Hi All, I am new here and have a question. My SO is MTF, I have known in some way about it for 6 years (started with crossdressing) and the last 2 years living part time as a transwoman (not out at work). My SO is now considering starting HRT and my biggest concern is sex. We have have a wonderful sexual relationship now, we have sex nearly every day and it comes very easy for us. Our sex now would be considered mostly heterosexual in nature with a mixture of anal for both of us and other types of play. My fear, and its crippling me at times, is once she starts HRT our sex life will drastically change and penetrating sex will no longer be an option. I hear after some time HRT makes the penis smaller, less likely to become erect and with prolonged time on HRT, just not usable at all. My SO has no desire as of now to have a SRS (though orchiectomy is on the table) and states she enjoys her penis and doesnt want to change it for now, and while I enjoy other forms of sex, being penetrated, by a real penis, is something I fear, I know, I can not live the rest of my life without. I would love to hear other people stories of how their sex life evolved, what I could be in store for. I have read a lot, and know it can vary a lot. Im looking for some hope.

For me, erections are of no matter to me. I want to live strictly as a woman. My pleasure comes from my partner's arousal for me. Feeling his orgasms -- knowing I turn him on so much -- is truly a satisfying stimulation in itself for me. Most transgender women I know say they can still achieve mild erections but takes a great deal of concentration to maintain. It is a give an take world.

Oh, wow...

I probably should have read the responses you have received already, but I find this particular topic very triggering. I probably shouldn't even say anything at all, but you deserve as much feedback and knowledge as you can gather..

First, a disclaimer, I am not a male to female transitioner, so my perspective may come from a slightly different angle. I was mis-genedered due to a medical situation, I am actually an XX female that was forced through an early childhood FTM conversion. But, that is irrelevant, mostly..

Okay, sooo, ugh...

When I started HRT, it was with the idea that I would take just enough to remedy my emotional distress. My spouse and I intended to stay together, and I cherished our sex life, I loved penetrating her, and she loved receiving me inside her. Unfortunately, my body craved the E, and it changed very rapidly, though I was able to stay erect well over a year into HRT therapy. Very early on, though, the nature of my erections changed, and I could tell I was no longer exciting her with my arousal. She began to become passive-aggressive and eventually abusive, and this was one of the reasons she cited, but that is neither here nor there...

What also happened was that I began to resent her wanting me to stay like I had been all along, and this made me even more dysphoric. We did continue to make love, and I was able to please her orally as usual, but her eyes would be closed, and her mind elsewhere. This broke my heart, for the man she fell in love with, and had desired so deeply for almost 2 decades, was now gone, no matter how I protested I was still me, to her, I was not.

After one last humiliating and futile attempt, about 14 months after my first E dose, she snapped and beat me up. I broke up with her shortly afterward, though we agreed to try to work out our relationship as sister/friends. But the damage was done, and I had to actually have the police intervene 10 months later, and I had to ask her to move out. A week later she was in bed with a man back in her hometown, and just recently she married a different guy. She rejected all notions of being bi or pansexual, and pretended I had been a man all along and started calling me 'he' again.

The irony here is that now that I have had my vagina reconstructed, I am also only interested in being penetrated by hetero men, and I can see her point very clearly. There is something about the very act, with a very excited man, that is undeniably what I need. I feel horrid saying this, and shallow, and somewhat like a traitor, but it is true. I love how other women look, feel, smell, and relate, and I have dated trans-girls, but at the end of the day, I need to be penetrated by a virile man. Toys and strappies are fun, but no, they are not the same. His excitement, and climax, and all that comes with it, is what I crave. For me, nothing else satisfies on so many primal levels.

So, that is my story, and my take on it. My history and experiences are my own, nobody else's, so please, don't think I am saying I know how things are, or will be, for anybody else. I have no way of knowing anything of that sort. But I do know, for my ex-spouse, and for myself, having the real thing is what makes our bells ring.

Good luck, hun. I really hope you get everything you need and deserve.

Missy