I am in the midst of a storm of irrational thoughts and feelings. When I am calm, which isn't often, I realize these thoughts and feelings are not real, but it is a real struggle, every day, to continue this journey. I find myself crying nearly constantly. My chest feels tight, my shoulders constantly ache. I have had thoughts of self-harm, but have managed to keep from hurting myself. I am blessed with friends who help me during my worst episodes.

A couple of days ago I spent the entire day in the company of others just so I wouldn't be alone with my feelings of despair. Many days I don't want to get out of bed, or eat, but I force myself to go through the motions of a normal day. I can feel like the entire world is laughing at me as I walk along the street in a skirt and blouse.

I had a horrible experience a few days ago while having lunch at a local eatery; a woman, the sister of a friend of my brother's childhood friend, took it upon herself to lecture me about how I was ruining my life, that I would never be a real woman, that my lifestyle was going to get myself killed, and that I looked ugly in woman's clothing. While this was happening a man at a nearby table started laughing and didn't stop except to say things, like 'this is disgusting, I'm trying to eat'. I had a total panic reaction; felt dizzy, instantly cold all over, and wanted to leave but the dizziness wouldn't let me. This still haunts me.

So...     ...I am pretty certain my hormone levels must be at a peak or something. That said, as a child and youth I was very emotional and sensitive. As a tortured teen I shut off my feelings. Only since beginning my transition have I allowed myself to truly feel again. It is liberating, but exhausting. I am affected by so much now. It pains me, really pains me, to hear of friends suffering. I cry at YouTube ads, music, books, everything. It is becoming overwhelming

  lately i can definitely relate to crying at the drop of a hat. as far as ruining your life for expressing outside who you are inside. i can only say i am a bit of an authority on ruining ones life, and i have never been who i once dreamed to be.

  if you live in a town with people telling you that you are going to get yourself killed, PLEASE be very careful and i would not know what to say about that.

Daria,

    There is an old saying that's easier said than done: Only YOU can give people permission to make you feel bad. 

    If you don't like what someone is saying and this is a good example, walk away.  You don't need people putting you down and implanting negative thoughts.  She is no friend.

    About walking the street in skirts, have you tried woman's jeans?  They are, IMHO, super sexy, don't really scream WOMAN.  I'm starting out with that approach and it is getting those closest to me a chance to change with me. (At least until I get closer to male-fail.) I also think that going with jeans and a blouse will keep you below the radar, in most cases.

    Do be careful, we are targets in some communities.

      With love and respect
    - Denise

P.S.  If you are on "E" and you are experiencing mood swings, talk to your doctor.  Maybe reducing your dosage amount and increasing the frequency can even things out.  I know a lot of people who were injecting every 14 days found that they would have "bad days" leading up to the next shot.  They changed to every 7 days and things are much better.

Daria,

The storm isn't irrational.  It makes perfect sense.  But I think we each have the strength to weather the storm.  I had days and weeks like this, and yeah, it's incredibly rough.  Just hold on.  You can get through this.

QuoteI had a horrible experience a few days ago while having lunch at a local eatery; a woman, the sister of a friend of my brother's childhood friend, took it upon herself to lecture me about how I was ruining my life, that I would never be a real woman, that my lifestyle was going to get myself killed, and that I looked ugly in woman's clothing.

I remember such "lectures."  This highlights why it's so important to surround ourselves only with people we know to be sympathetic.  Early in transition, this is usually just other transitioners.  After transition, it's mostly people who don't even know we've transitioned.  This is just the state of the world today -- unknowing and cruel. 

It's can be a good idea to move, to find a different place in which to transition.  A place where no one else knows you... and a place where it'd be easy to leave once you're done.

Quote from: Denise on November 20, 2016, 02:30:05 PMIf you are on "E" and you are experiencing mood swings, talk to your doctor.  Maybe reducing your dosage amount and increasing the frequency can even things out.  I know a lot of people who were injecting every 14 days found that they would have "bad days" leading up to the next shot.  They changed to every 7 days and things are much better.

Yeah, there are peaks and valleys to injections, especially Estradiol Valerate.  I couldn't do the two-week schedule, and had to adjust to every ten days.  Also, Estradiol Cypionate can be just as effective, but a much smoother ride. 

Finasteride and progesterone can also induce such feelings.

It is horrible that you had to go through that, I'm sorry.