I realize this is something to discuss with a therapist but I can not afford that right now. So I hope maybe some of you could maybe share a personal experience or help in some way to work through this (P.M.s are more than welcome) . I have read that transgenders go through something in the womb that gives them a (in my case) "female mind". I do not know anything about this. The only thing I know is my feelings and environment. I have also read some "cis" people think they are transgender but they are not.
It is not that I have not remembered over the years any of the things I am feeling now or the things I am remembering now (memories are much easier to bury than feelings). I was at a point were I had given up and waiting for the end. Then a bunch of things hit me like a ton of bricks a couple months ago. I went online trying to figure out why and or what I am and I ended up here. I think I have been to this site in the past maybe a few years ago, but then I went back into hiding (from myself). I do not ever want to do that again! I just do not know if I am transgender or if experiences at a young age make me think I am. I think it seems obvious to me and would do HRT if given the chance, but at this time in my life there is no one to talk to about this. Maybe this is just a vent or something I need to get off my chest. I also do not care how I dress or look (I have no real need to dress in "female" clothes) and definitely do not care what the world thinks about me. There are only two things I do care about. I want to understand why I feel as I do and how my family is treated by others regardless of how they think of me.
I have been remembering things I have not thought of for many years but the two things I want to remember most of all I can not. I can not remember when I learned my feelings are "wrong". I remember the third time (I think) I was caught dressing in "female" clothes my father talked to me and said "son you just don't do this". The biggest thing I wish I could remember but can not is when and if I told either of my parents I was or wanted to be a female. Since I can not remember this I do not think I will dump all this on my mother, at least not now. I just do not see how I did not tell either of them with what I do remember.
One of my earliest memories ever must have been before elementary school maybe four. I remember riding in the backseat of my aunt and uncles car going to their house for a sleep over. Then bath time that night (I think) was with my two cousins both female. This in it self I think maybe was a bit traumatic to someone so young and possibly having a identity crisis already. They started making fun of my male parts then they where told to stop, and we were given my first explanation of biology and the differences. After this I am not sure what comes next but I do not think that really matters. I remember wanting to be the mother when playing house with my cousins, and also wishing I was a female and wanted to grow up to be like the other women in my family. My mother and aunt were all ways very close and were roommates before they were married. So it was just natural after they had families we would spend so much time together, and my cousins were practically like sisters to me at the time. Baths and playing "girl" games with them was kind of common. Later they moved further away and our families grew apart.
When I hit puberty this was really confusing to me. By then I had been already hiding and dressing as a female but do not remember why I was hiding. I can only guess I was told not to do this. I remember thinking before puberty I wanted to be the same as the women in my family get married and have a family as a woman. This seems so funny to me now but at the time it was something I would pray for. Then puberty hit and different thoughts hit me after I found out about gay and straight from peers and asking my father about this. This was really confusing and I did not want to be "gay" something society would not except and this also seems funny to me considering what I literally prayed for.
I found a dirty magazine when I was walking through the woods once and took it home. I would look through it thinking how much I wanted to be like the women in it (Before this it was the sears and other clothing catalogs). I would try to portray them as best as I could. I think it was a "hustler" and as I was going through puberty I would do what a young male would do looking at something like this. Except I remember I did not like the sexual lay outs (with men). I just liked the women in the lay outs by themselves. By this time I new there was no way I would have my prayers answered and remember seeing the "pre-operation" phone sex adds in the back of the magazine and thought "maybe someday..." this led to a whole different problem.
In the past I thought maybe I am some sort of "masculine lesbian", and this makes me laugh because, what the heck does this mean for me? And how pathetic am I? This is how my life started and I think 25+ years of hiding (from myself). Now I do not know what to think. I do not know what is me or what my experiences of my life in hiding made me, or if I have ever been hiding anything at all. Maybe I am just confused or maybe I am a pervert after all.
Thank you to who have read this and if you wish to comment please do not worry about my feelings. I very much doubt they can be hurt now days.
