Last week I sat down with my wife and had a little chat.  I had been thinking about what to say for a couple of weeks, and spent several days screwing up the courage to broach the subject.
About two years ago, I started wearing panties to bed with her on occasion to "spice things up" in the bedroom.  She wasn't totally comfortable with that but rolled with it.  Then I added stockings, and eventually a corset.  And eventually was wearing panties and a corset under my clothes during the day around the house.  The cover story was still just to spice things up in the bedroom, but I did admit wearing it during the day wasn't necessarily sexual. 
Then things got rocky between us, very contentious.  I stopped everything, even the dressing up I did in private... well... at least for the most part.
About four months ago she found my bag with the wig, and bra and stockings.  She was hurt, confused, scared – she didn't know about that stuff and didn't realize I had gone further without her knowing.  I told her I had been just trying to find a way to deal with the tough times between us, but that it wasn't really me.  There I was, caught, cornered, and with a perfect opportunity to come clean and instead I told her the biggest and most ridiculous lie I could imagine.
I was so afraid of losing her, and I hated seeing how it made her feel.  I just wanted to make that pain go away.  I told her I loved her and I needed her.  That much was true.
It was maybe two months ago when she touched me like she used to when we were "spicing things up."  It was like she was telling me that it was OK, that she would love and accept me as I am.  I went back to wearing panties in the bedroom, and during the day, but I knew we needed to talk.
So, I finally sat down with her.  I told her that I had lied when she confronted me about the bag, but that I had been frightened by how much it had hurt her and I was trying to say anything to make her feel better.  I told her I wished I could find a way to change myself and how I felt – true.  I told her that I loved her and was willing to try to lock these feeling up again, but that I was not sure anymore how well it would work.
She told me that we had both changed over time, but that she loved me, and that we would find a way to make things work.  We agreed to be open and honest, and spent quite a while on the couch chatting. She seemed to still think the desire was mostly sexual in nature, but clearly understood that things were not going to stay as they are but would progress over time.  Eventually one thing led to another and we ended up in the bedroom making love and then sleeping in each other's arms till the afternoon.
That was a great day.

Wow.   That's great. 

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You're lucky. She's a great woman and it seems like she wants to be there for you. Stay honest with her, throughout. It's the only way to let her know that you trust her and that she can trust in you. I hope it lasts for the rest of your lives and I wish you both happiness.

I came clean right before going to sleep one night, but, over time, she decided that she couldn't be with a woman and we're now separated (though, only in separate rooms). It hurts, but I love her way too much to be selfish about it. I'm going to have to accept that she will eventually find a man to be with. As the saying goes: If you love someone, set them free. I love her so much and I'm choking back tears just typing this. I really do hope things work out for the two of you. Cherish every moment with her.

I have not told my wife about my dysphoria yet. Although she has been supportive of my dressing in the bedroom and she's even added most of my clothes to my collection, she doesn't yet know that my therapy is not only for anger management but for my dysphoria. 

I hope that she will stay with me once I come up with the courage to tell her, I don't want her to leave, but I want her to be happy regardless.


I noticed that my feelings of dysphoria seem to hit me in waves, about every other week or so I feel more out of place in myself, the rest of the time I feel fairly normal and content with myself is that common?

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Quote from: SiobhánF on November 21, 2016, 09:09:36 AM
You're lucky. She's a great woman and it seems like she wants to be there for you. Stay honest with her, throughout. It's the only way to let her know that you trust her and that she can trust in you. I hope it lasts for the rest of your lives and I wish you both happiness.

I came clean right before going to sleep one night, but, over time, she decided that she couldn't be with a woman and we're now separated (though, only in separate rooms). It hurts, but I love her way too much to be selfish about it. I'm going to have to accept that she will eventually find a man to be with. As the saying goes: If you love someone, set them free. I love her so much and I'm choking back tears just typing this. I really do hope things work out for the two of you. Cherish every moment with her.

Most likely I will eventually be where you are - like it or not.  My wife, not unlike yours, did not choose to marry another woman.  Ultimately she needs a Man, and though I know it's going to hurt a lot, if/when that time comes I will not stand in her way.  I want her to be happy, to feel validated, to feel complete.  I hope that day never comes, but I do understand it most likely will anyway.  Until then I am taking your very good advice of cherishing those moments I have with her and making the most of our time together.

So your separated but still living together - that's sounds tricky.  More like really good friends but not intimate?  Less than optimal but better than nothing?

Hang in there, this too shall pass:)

Quote from: Annarko on November 21, 2016, 09:45:25 AM
I noticed that my feelings of dysphoria seem to hit me in waves, about every other week or so I feel more out of place in myself, the rest of the time I feel fairly normal and content with myself is that common?

I don't know about going through a cycle every other week but my feelings/desires have definitely come and gone in waves.  As the years have progressed  I have started to understand myself and come to grips with the fact that I just feel this way. It seems like I spend more and more time accepting that I want to be female, and less time denying it.  I find my denial mostly seems to get triggered with social situations where I actually don't mind being male and potentially having to explain things if I fully transition would be potentially difficult.  Hope that answer helps:)

   Congratulations on telling your wife. Awesome! I believe, the longer one waits to tell a loved one, the more upset they are. Either they are going to be able to accept it or they won't. Your chances of acceptance are greater if you tell them early. The smartest thing I ever did was to be up front with my then girlfriend. 38 years later, she has never been angry about my female self. She was smart enough to recognize that the female side was way nicer and more loving.
   As for dysphoria,I know that I am not alone in this, but I have found that the older I got, the stronger the dysphoria got. Part of me  always thought it would go away or at least lessen. No such luck! I wish I had known to be more realistic about where it was heading a lot earlier.
Monica

Congratulations, Melissa!  Comong out to one's spouse is about the hardest thing there is.  I am happy for you that she is understanding. 

Quote from: MelissaB on November 21, 2016, 04:28:11 PM
So your separated but still living together - that's sounds tricky.  More like really good friends but not intimate?  Less than optimal but better than nothing?

Yeah, it's exactly like good friends without intimacy. She said that she still wants to be my friend because I'm her best friend. That, I feel good about. I don't like how it makes her feel, so there's melancholy in my heart and a smile on my face. We love each other so much, but it won't work out for her.

Quote from: HappyMoni on November 21, 2016, 05:16:16 PM
I believe, the longer one waits to tell a loved one, the more upset they are. Either they are going to be able to accept it or they won't. Your chances of acceptance are greater if you tell them early.

Yeah, the funny thing about repression is that one denies something so much that it ceases to exist in one's conscious thoughts. The downside of repression is that whatever is being repressed has a horrible way of rearing its ugly head with great vigor and tenacity. It never went away, it just sat patiently in the waiting room and got tired of waiting for a chance to be free.

So Friday my wife kinda surprised me by taking the kids over to their grandparents house to spend the night. Not that it is unusual for that to happen but I got home before she did and when she arrived back at home she said she wanted to talk. She started asking me if I was hiding something from her. I was hesitant to answer at first, but I responded by asking what she meant by that. She said she had read some of my posts and she finally put things together about my dysphoria. I was embarrassed and shocked that she knew and sad that I wasn't the one to tell her.

It is a huge relief however. I have been trying to find a way to tell her for quite some time. Now that everything is out in the open between us she is being very supportive and wants me to continue exploring myself and figuring out who I am.
I worry about our future though... I don't want the person I fell in love with to grow apart from me. I just want her to be happy, but I don't know that I could be happy without her. She said that she isn't really attracted to women, and I don't know how far she will accompany me on my journey. I've never really felt so sad about anything before, I don't want to lose her.


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It's difficult to be brave. You did a good thing and it takes guts to be real after avoiding it for such a long time. I went through the same thing. I'm not going to lie to you by saying that it's all good after this. I've had some dark days because of it and I'm sure my wife has too. Just be sure that she knows how much you love her and that you'll do whatever it takes to be there for her. I've been with my wife for 14 years. We're high school sweethearts. It rips my heart to shreds, every day. It's not easy. I'm just glad I found this place because I would feel completely alone, otherwise. I'm here if you want to talk.