Hi, I'm not sure if I'm posting this in the right place, but here goes...

I tried finding information about this, but couldn't find anyone else who was dealing with what I am dealing with.
(Warning discussion about mental health ahead)

I have recently adopted a new identity in response to being trans and I happen to recently start  feeling very disconnected from my past self.  I feel ''fuzzy'' and disconnected from my past feelings, memories and identity, as If I was kinda dropped here and am continuing my past self's path, or like I changed so much that I feel like a totally new person. It makes me feel upset to feel so disconnected and it makes me anxious.
I kinda feel as though I am lost sometimes, it's troubling and makes me feel depressed... I feel so lost and detached from my former ''girl'' self since I started my transition...

But I love who I am now... I feel much better in general and more aware of my feelings about my body compared to before, where I forced myself to be a girl and became numb and suicidal...Furthermore, this feeling of being disconnected has also made me doubt my gender and has made me feel all sorts of messed up...

Sorry if this post is all over the place... I'm not very well at the moment and need someone to talk to, because this has been bothering me for a while now.

So, has anyone felt like this before ? if so replies would be appreciated.

(Also if this isn't posted in the right board, I'm very sorry.)

Thank you for your time. xo

-Lou Emile

Interesting, I had never thought of myself as "disconnecting from my previous self." But in a way I think you may have hit upon something.  I know that before I came out to my sister (#1) I was distracted and unhappy.  The more I tell people from my past the more "free" I feel.  The feeling of being trapped is going away and thus I'm disconnecting from my previous self.

I'm taking a slower route and not cutting ties with my old self (tough to do at 54) at once, but time will tell.

I know a bit about psychology, but "please do not take this as medical advice disclaimer here", because I'm no licensed. XD

Anyhow, I do believe what you're dealing with is a not-so-uncommon issue in psychology/GID. If you're concerned about it feeling like multiple personalities, don't worry, it's not. What I would say, is ask yourself some questions, because I know you want someone to talk to, and I'll listen: Just ask yourself these questions, and if you want some opinions/answers, I can help you on that.

Questions I'd like to ask you is why do you feel you feel isolated? What is it you're feeling isolated from? Your masculine feelings? The people around you? Maybe it's just the lack of testosterone that's throwing you off? There's too many aspects to one's previous self", that you can't have a regular answer for everyone, less than girl's jeans are one size fits all! :3

I'd ask myself in your situation, am I just bothered by not being treated like a man anymore, with the assumed authoritative air people take? Is it certain friends or people in your life that are making you feel different? As I said before, is it the hormones maybe? Guys tend to think more with their hormones... in fact, before HRT, I had actually become "master" of "sublimation", or the ability to channel sexual energies into constructive drive/thought.

I'm just thinking that when you need someone to talk to, you need help organizing your thoughts... and I'm here for you for that... but your answers are actually in your life, not someone else's expertise here. I just hope I can help you find those answers in yourself! <3

Look forward to hearing back! (clicked notify of replies button)

Is it really surprising "Feeling Disconnected after Adopting a New Personality"?

  lately i have been feeling i think all of the above as well. i really think all i am going through and all i have been through stems from denying who i am inside. in turn i have been trying to be someone else my whole life and i have failed miserably. i have been this person for so long i think it is just not going to be easy to get back what i once was. also i would imagine years of therapy.

  i am not in any position to dole out any meaningful advice only to say please do not consider the s-word and find a therapist. i just thought i would let you know you are not alone in this boat. also i see no problem with questioning your gender. i have been thinking lately i am "non-binary" what ever that really means LOL. i have not been much for labels for a long time now i think.

Hello Lou-Emile,

According to what you described, I think I feel *exactly* how you feel.
We are at least three Yaay!

Long story short: I discovered to be a girl in a boy's body two years ago, when I became 32. Today I am 34, and I am struggling with my gender identity and identity in general, intensely, since two years.
I was born male, I started to feel uncomfortable with the people around me at the age 3, I could never know why. I always felt to "miss the point" when I was with my (male) mates, to the point that I felt always dumb, stupid and with a lot of distress from age 6 to... forever. I come from a middle-class family from the south of Italy, very calm people, workers, fighters. I had schools until I became 18, then I went to the University and took a Master in Computer Engineering. At age 27 I started a PhD, and during this period I come to terms with all the problems I was having. At age 30 I started to open to the idea I was (male) gay, but still I was not getting the point out of life. At 32 I read about transgender people, and I opened a door that gave me the "I understand now!" moment.
Important: during the period I discovered all this, I was under unbearable stress and pressure, from outside (environment, stressful people around me) and from inside (fears, shame, guilt). It was a real nightmare, and I knew something even like being gay would have throw everything I had - including all the people I knew - apart (which is almost true - my fears were right)

At that moment, I was, on a side, happy to having finally understand why I felt like I felt during all this years, and on another side, I wished to erase all the "wrong" things I made until that moment, and that were giving me pain and putting me on the edge of being abandoned by everyone.
Since that moment, I felt a disconnection from the "old, male me" and "the new, female me", and I had the need to (and I did, eventually) come back to my home place, and say to my family (I have a little sister too), my cousins and  near friends and acquaintances: "Hey! I am I girl! I got it! Now I know why I did a lot of bad things, and errors, and stuff... I understand now, I am a girl! How could I not get it? Please, forgive me! Don't drop me, I am not the one I was". But, on the other side, this was (and still is) discomfortable as hell. I tought people could not recognise me anymore. I rushed to finish my PhD, which I eventually did, in a psychological state near to permanent damage (I feared to have lost my mind forever, until some days ago...) in January 2016. Since February 2016 I came back at home for letting my family know about myself, before get lost into the world. I came back at my parents home, and started a psychotherapy (psychoanalysis with a guy expert in gender identity).
Weird, isn't it? Well, maybe not that much. The pressures and stresses were at unbearable levels. Bad moment, bad environment, bad situation. 

The "disconnection" feeling is still with me, and I think that it is, maybe, similar to yours. I feel like I am a completely different person from the "male one" that I was until some years ago. And this is so strong... I try to calm down, but the "male part" is only pain and shame.

But in these very days I think I am getting the point of all this.
I always felt so dependent from my family and "friends", that the idea of loosing them, loosing everyone, is something that I am not able to accept.
The fact is that I did some stupid things in the last 8 years that I have very low reputation in this moment. Moreover, I realised that I didn't want the PhD I was taking, and even work in the area of Informatics (at least, I had and have many doubts about it). All around me was falling apart...
And "being TG" is the ultimate thing, in my world. "What? You are EVEN gay/trans?! Get the hell out of here!"
So, I think that in my case the disconnection is a kind of defence, a way to say to people "please don't judge me for what I did, please. "I am a girl, see? I should have done all the things girls do".
Yes... I could not see it for two years, and just now I am starting to seeing it. I think hw a TG person lives it all depends on which is his/her instruments to survive, and your sensibility. If you feel you have few, then... something like this (ie. disconnection) could happen.
Also, Shame. Shame grow so strong and deep inside of me, since I was a child. Shame makes very difficult to impossible the fact of accepting the fact I am stupid, as I choose a path in the life that in the end I don't like, and now I am EVEN gay/trans. The same here: "hey! I got it! I am a girl! You see? Don't consider me a stupid boy, but a girl".
And also: "I AM NOT THE ONE YOU THOUGHT I WAS, PLEASE RECONSIDER YOUR (GENDER) MODELS APPLIED TO ME".

This are only hypotheses, of course (and I think every therapist you will see, will talk to you in terms of hypotheses...).
About ME, I think that this makes sense: I always suffered a lot the pressures from outside: parents, relatives, friends. I always tried to please everyone, and (and as) I always had the sensation that I could loose everyone doing bad things (I think that the definition of "bad things" confuses LGBT people). So 1) fear of being abandoned, and 2) shame (which is also linked to the fear of abandonment). Also, deep sense of guilt in doing things... it comes down to fear of abandonment.

So, that's it, I think. Which is, I think that in my case the fact I feel disconnected from my old me is that I cannot accept to be the "thing" that will let everyone abandon me, even if that will happen even if I show the others, with all the forces I have, that "I AM NOT THE ONE YOU THOUGHT I WAS, PLEASE RECONSIDER YOUR  (GENDER) MODELS APPLIED TO ME".
Getting conscious about these things, let you be at 50% of the health path. The rest is... I still don't know, maybe live and let the time pass, let the things happen, and have 1 or 2 persons near you. A therapist is one of them. When everything falls apart, a therapist can be the only one that stand tall there. But I think that also an Internet connection and a Forum is good.

Of course, this is my guess about me. Things change very rapidly in my life in this moment, but... I feel positive about what I wrote.

What do you think?
I am here to talk if and when you need.

Kisses and hugs,
Ive

Quote from: Ive on November 21, 2016, 03:31:40 AM
The fact is that I did some stupid things in the last 8 years that I have very low reputation in this moment. Moreover, I realised that I didn't want the PhD I was taking, and even work in the area of Informatics (at least, I had and have many doubts about it). All around me was falling apart...
And "being TG" is the ultimate thing, in my world. "What? You are EVEN gay/trans?! Get the hell out of here!"
So, I think that in my case the disconnection is a kind of defence, a way to say to people "please don't judge me for what I did, please. "I am a girl, see? I should have done all the things girls do".
Yes... I could not see it for two years, and just now I am starting to seeing it. I think hw a TG person lives it all depends on which is his/her instruments to survive, and your sensibility. If you feel you have few, then... something like this (ie. disconnection) could happen.
Also, Shame. Shame grow so strong and deep inside of me, since I was a child. Shame makes very difficult to impossible the fact of accepting the fact I am stupid, as I choose a path in the life that in the end I don't like, and now I am EVEN gay/trans. The same here: "hey! I got it! I am a girl! You see? Don't consider me a stupid boy, but a girl".
And also: "I AM NOT THE ONE YOU THOUGHT I WAS, PLEASE RECONSIDER YOUR (GENDER) MODELS APPLIED TO ME".

  i feel i can completely relate, thank you.

Scarednalone, that's great (given that we can call "great" our situation), I am glad that we can help and support each other, and sharing such "particular" things, make one feel calm and not alone.

I feel that once you understand, your path towards health is more concrete, as you have the tools to defend yourself, and embrace yourself when winter comes.

Life's not easy, not a piece of cake, but someone must fill those books with amazing stories, right?

Let's go then!

Kisses,
Ive

Inviato dal mio KIW-L21 utilizzando Tapatalk

I've also started feeling disconnected from my former self. In my case, that's nothing but positive. I've been depressed, withdrawn, and terrified of being social for my entire adult life. Good riddance. Now I feel happy. I'm more secure in my sense of 'who I am', and the more I come out, the more 'free' I feel.

I no longer have to dread what would happen if people find out. I've got enough people on my side now that I'm no longer scared of the possibility (inevitability?) that someone will react negatively. Every step away from the depressed miserable soul that drank, smoked, and worked his way out of letting my real personality EVER show is a step into the light from a very dark place.

I feel disconnected from my past self, and I love it.

Quote from: Ive on November 21, 2016, 03:31:40 AMI realised that I didn't want the PhD I was taking, and even work in the area of Informatics (at least, I had and have many doubts about it).

Don't sweat it. I got my PhD in chemistry, and now I spend my days writing software and couldn't be happier. YMMV, but it seems that most employers understand that a PhD doesn't just say you know a lot about a specific field, but rather that you're willing and able to learn a discipline in depth. I'm sure you'll be able to do whatever you end up deciding you want, no matter what field your degree is in :-)

My sense of identity has been somewhat fluid down the years. Rather than adopting a single "persona" that represents the trans self I just tend to wander in and out of other personas as I have matured and gained new experiences. I honestly couldn't say I was a consistent creature if I look back on my life.

And it's not been anything to worry about. Rather it's like shedding various mental skins in life to better adapt. I don't have much in common with my 10 year old self, my 20 year old self... even my 30 year old self. They've all been quite different people. Although my moral sensibilities have always remained the same.

I can identify with this disconnect feeling. I really don't want to
think at all about my former self or especially see any pictures of my previous
life.

Not only have I disconnected completely from who I was, but also have no ties to anyone I have known when I was living as male. This was necessary to be happy. Nobody can remind me who I was. Nobody can suggest I go back to that. I find it healthier to proceed as who you are, and not dwell on the past.

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Hello again,

today it feels like I am seeing a little bit more of the whole picture.
I am starting considering the hypothesis that the "excessive shame and guilt" were (and are, still sometimes) linked to me feeling "excessively insecure" about myself. I think that the first seed of my insecureness dates back to an "original sin", something which started happening back when I was a small child, maybe when I was 3. That was: "You are a boy", and "a boy is not supposed to do this", which mined the rest of my life.

Shame and guilt were (and are!) way more intense than they are when I "feel myself", and I realise I feel a girl. Shame and guilt are still there, but they are waaaaay less intense...
Erase the "lie", and feel less insecure, and less shame. Even if I cannot say that external people calling me "boy" is a lie: they are not wrong, as externally I am, but they are not right either.

In addition to this, I still feel "different from my former self". I am starting thinking that this may be due to the fact that, unconsciously, I feel that many things I did, I did because the "original sin". Again, putting apart what is not me, leave only me, which is of course different... or at least feels different, in myself, as for other people I may be the same person. But, that is the deal, too...
Coherence is also something that keeps me linked to the past...

Do you experience all this, too?
Which is, insecureness increase(d) your shame and sense of guilt exponentially?
And what about coherence?

Sorry for bothering you again
Kisses,
Ive

One more thing: of course I cannot blame neither myself nor anyone for how my life was, as I never said "I am a girl" or something similar. Never in 30 years of life. I think it was just the way I was: I discovered I feel I am a girl when the time came. I feel I am a girl.

I can totally relate to the disconnect from how my life was before. I don't even remember anymore what it was like to live as my dead name. I even find it hard to remember what it was like to have something between my legs anymore and it hasn't been that long since my SRS. So yeah I can totally relate to the disconnect feeling. Hugs
Mariah

Quote from: Ive on November 24, 2016, 03:19:55 PMDo you experience all this, too?

That's a pretty accurate description of what I'm experiencing, too: a repressed personality that I've been ashamed of.

I've also noticed that when I'm comfortable presenting female I'm much more confident about transition being my goal, but on my male days I have my doubts. This makes me realize that I still have some fears to work through before I can pull of anything close to a full time transition. But the happiness and confidence I feel on my good days reminds me that it's worth pushing through :-)

I have another post where I talked about some similar experiences you might relate to:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,216703.0.html

There's some discussion about our experiences with internalized transphobia on it. The conclusion that you're coming to about guilt/shame/insecurity/repression is the same one that I've drawn for myself. A lot of things started making sense once I realized that!

completely normal to feel this way.

When I transitioned, I couldnt get disconnected from my male self fast enough.

I was hormones within 4 months (sept 2012) of starting gid therapy.

Got my first girl haircut 2 1/2 months later (nov 30, 2012)

name change march 2013 (birth cert, dl and ss card changed too).

i still had very male dominant traits and i wondered if I'd be feminine enough, could change my mannerisms and pass so to speak.

I too doubted my transition, i think we all do at times.  just a natural part of the process.

embrace it and enjoy the journey.

i have completely discarded my former male self and identity.  there is nothing left of who i was before transition.

I think that disconnect may be one of the biggest reasons we lose old acquaintances. We become someone other than the persons we once were.

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I don't think it's such a bad thing to be disconnected with your past self though.  I mean we are adopting an entirely new identity and more often than not I woukd guess that our real selves are different from the character we had to play for so long. To help me cope in the earlier days of transition, I thought of it as an actress finally coming out of playing a male role. It took a little adjusting but after a while life felt so much more authentic instead of having to play pretend all the time.

Thank you everyone for the lovely replies, And nope I did not forget about you all, I was just insanely busy with my exams and final assignments.
It is very nice to feel as if I am not alone in this and that it is very normal to feel this way.
It was interesting to read all of your posts. Thank you again.

-Lou Emile