Hello everyone,

since I got this PhD, and understand that Computer Science is not what I wished to do most in life, I feel I need to justify myself in my choice... with the fact of being transgender.
Also, I would say everyone that I am TG for not being them harass and say I am stupid for what I do any more.
This is, say "I am TG" for avoid to be bullied, feel shame and guilt.

Did you ever do something similar? Also in other areas?

I know this may sound crazy and offensive. In such case, please accept my apologies.

Kisses,
Ive

Quote from: Ive on November 25, 2016, 05:40:30 AM
Did you ever do something similar? Also in other areas?

More or less. I've been having kind of decreased performance at work, and I think I'll use the trans condition as part of the reasons. Not exactly proud of that, though, and it's not 100% a lie anyway.

I am not exactly sure what you are asking but I will give it a try. Being transgender was occupying far to much of my life. I am a generalist and I want to know everything about everything and to do this, being transgender needed to be put in it's place, not hidden but not out in front. I accomplished this with the transition where I learned about it and myself, much like you learn about a subject in school then it was put in it's place along with the rest of my knowledge. It pretty well remained there until I found this site but now it's only out when I am on the site. The remainder of my life I am just me, an accumulation of a life time of knowledge.

You should never make yourself about one thing. That makes you uninteresting and one dimensional. Instead you should live life and experience as much as possible. You may not enjoy all of it but you will find you are more than just one thing.

I generally resort to "Hormones". Sometimes my wife beats me to the punch by asking when my last shot was 

You are not the first person ever to finish school only to realize this isn't what you see yourself doing for the rest of your life. Nor will you be the last one. In your case it sounds like you NEVER want to do what you've been trained for and are getting a load of crap over it.

You got a PhD which is an immense accomplishment. This begs the question; "What happened between CS101 and your thesis?". Also the question unanswered or stated; What is that you want to do, or have a passion for? I barely eeked through uni with my mantra "All I need is a 2.0 to get a degree" and have spent the past 40 years not believing I get paid to have fun.

If it's the far bigger question of "What the heck am I going to do with my life?" TG crap holding you back, then perhaps what you need is a plan, not an excuse. Any plan can be scary as well as overwhelming. Think Baby-Steps. One common thread you may have noticed on the boards is it takes time and $$$ to transition. Having a job, even one you aren't passionate about is far better then none. Plus, I can certainly attest to this, a job and burying yourself into your work is a great way to shut off the noise, for a while. Nothing like keeping yourself busy and having plenty of diversions and distractions to get you through the day. This same job also gives you the flexibility to go back to school if you need to, to get the training you need for where your passion does lie.

You likely noticed by now a well lived life is all about change, being flexible, and knowing you are not locked into any one thing. Nothing demonstrates that better then being trans and actually wanting to deal with it for real.

I don't think I've ever had a point where I've explained something away with just "I did XYZ or this happened because I'm transgender" (aside from maybe transitioning, because it makes sense to say "I take hormones / I had surgery / I changed my name because I'm transgender"). I think on the most basic level being transgender doesn't explain much, especially when you're typically trying to rationalize with people who are not of trans experience.

But I don't think you'd be too far off if you just explained more. There have been times in my transition where I've been really stressed out and have acted out as a result. Whenever I get called out to explain myself after the fact, I just apologize and explain what's been going on and how stressed I've been because of it. Most people can understand being frustrated about a missed deadline, poor communication from a doctor or lawyer, feeling unwell and not getting help, etc. I think if you're going to blame being trans as the root of your problems, you just have to articulate why it's causing you issues. Most people won't understand otherwise.

Though I'm not really sure how saying you're trans would help you avoid being bullied or harassed. Usually that works the other way around, unless what you're trying to say is you use being trans as a crutch around sympathetic people to avoid taking responsibility for shortcomings or poor decisions in other areas of your life. If that's the case, I think you know on some level that that excuse can only last so long.

Quote from: Dena on November 25, 2016, 09:54:52 AM
I am not exactly sure what you are asking but I will give it a try. Being transgender was occupying far to much of my life. I am a generalist and I want to know everything about everything and to do this, being transgender needed to be put in it's place, not hidden but not out in front. I accomplished this with the transition where I learned about it and myself, much like you learn about a subject in school then it was put in it's place along with the rest of my knowledge. It pretty well remained there until I found this site but now it's only out when I am on the site. The remainder of my life I am just me, an accumulation of a life time of knowledge.

You should never make yourself about one thing. That makes you uninteresting and one dimensional. Instead you should live life and experience as much as possible. You may not enjoy all of it but you will find you are more than just one thing.

Oh, Dena, I could just hug you for this!

Yes, yes, yes!  Life is a wonderful thing.  Being transgender should be just a small part of who we are.  Yeah, he's a guy, she's a gal, I'm a whatever.  I also have interests, activities, and things I do that have nothing to to with gender.  I would prefer those dominate my life, not gender issues.

My biggest concern this morning?  Not what I wear, or my makeup, or my therapy appointment.  It's getting this darn vacuum cleaner working (I'm procrastinating here), and then figuring out how to properly neutralize this pesky 6146 in my SB-401. (Geek Alarm!)

Slightly longer term, I'm trying to get all my identity papers in line, not for affirmation, but so I can travel.  I LOVE travel, and want to see the world in my retirement! 

I'm also searching for a nice condo to buy in a good area, walkable community, because I've always wanted to live in a walkable community.  I'm juggling affordability and location, trying to find something that will be a good fit for me.  I'd like a 2 bedroom place, where I can turn the second room into an office/tinkering space for myself, freeing up my dining table for dining!

I DO NOT want to be that token trans person, the one that gets trotted out to be displayed as an example of "how open we are."  There's always a risk of that, if we let ourselves be identified by this one dimension.  Groups that I'm out to seem to initially move that way, and I do push back in my own way.  I'm more than that.

OK, so this has been on my mind recently... 

Quote from: Fresas con Nata on November 25, 2016, 06:31:16 AM
... I've been having kind of decreased performance at work, and I think I'll use the trans condition as part of the reasons. Not exactly proud of that, though, and it's not 100% a lie anyway.

My performance has been a lot lower for at least 6 months, because transition has been absorbing most of my mental and emotional energies.  From what I can tell, there's been an awful lot going on below my conscious mind, whose visible effects have been mostly anxiety, depression, and obsessive thinking about gender and my relationship to it.  I've been having to completely rebuild my relationship to myself and how I see myself.

I've been having periods of remission, though, and I think I was actually pretty good at work last week and this.

A transitioned friend of mine thinks that people should be given a six-month medical leave when they transition, it's that all-consuming.

Personal reasons for decreased performance are ok - generally if it's a one-off (with my management hat on). Taking a look at what is needed to help in the workspace to help you, will provide useful feedback for your manager, and give you both something to work with in the mid-term.

As an example, one of my little quirks was how I emotionally responded on a subconscious level when I perceived some behaviours from natal female members of staff. Looking back it was my inner-femme screaming at me to not put up with this.  Trans explains it completely, and I could now explain this to a manager (if I had one ), and devise a way to make it work, or be able to express it better.

Take care.

Sno

my being trans is a fairly a non issue for me now ( having transitioned many years now) I cant see actually using it to justify anything since its something that is only part of what I am but not who I am, so other than the difficulties in the actual transition process (family job) which can be very hard but you have to come to terms with to go on ( there is good help for this) once thats done, life goes on, Your very fortunate if you aren't one of those like myself that lost a good job of many years bc they were trans and had to start their careers all over again from scratch!
I never wanted a birth defect once dealt with (as best i can anyways) to become my life! I take great pride in my work in trying to do my best , if i fail its not bc im trans, it bc im not giving my all!  the whole trans thing, I even sometimes have to take a step back from being here bc it get overwhelmed with trans issues! imhop one shouldn't use being trans to gain an advantage by  "pity" or to excuse any short comings but to say to show that your better and strong and proud only! btw being trans is not a "condition" its not even longer considered a psychiatric illness, like it was a few years ago, its only bc there is transphobia that they are stresses and emotional issues that we need help with sometime and that I see getting better as being trans is more accepted and that there are laws now that protect us from outright discrimination!


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Quote from: Michelle_P on November 25, 2016, 11:52:43 AM

....Yes, yes, yes!  Life is a wonderful thing.  Being transgender should be just a small part of who we are.  Yeah, he's a guy, she's a gal, I'm a whatever.  I also have interests, activities, and things I do that have nothing to to with gender.  I would prefer those dominate my life, not gender issues.....

+1

One day will come when me being trans will no longer be the focus but just part of the journey of my life and there will be little to no focus on it at all....BE GONE GENDER ISSUES !!! life is too short and too sweet to fill it full of anguish and pain...

Liz

Quote from: ElizabethK on November 26, 2016, 03:23:27 AM
+1

One day will come when me being trans will no longer be the focus but just part of the journey of my life and there will be little to no focus on it at all....BE GONE GENDER ISSUES !!! life is too short and too sweet to fill it full of anguish and pain...

Liz

Well put! [emoji1319][emoji1319][emoji1319]


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Yes I did, and rightfully so. I have to accept that circumstances made me who I am, and sometimes get in the way of who and where I want to be. The older and wiser I get, the more I realize that much in our existence is already determined by factors beyond our control. Few things can be changed or made different. This is no excuse, but being realistic. Living with this condition we have deep (psychological) wounds, that can heal if we are lucky, but the scars, grief and suffering we endured will always remind us where we came from.

Hello everyone,

thanks for your replies.

Well, maybe what I feel depends on what I lived and... how I am.
I am and always was a person with a very very low self esteem. Put this together with the fact that me and others always felt that I was kind of strange, and the result is me trying to hide the parts of myself that are "different", do only what is accepted, and trying to live on.
Back to 8 years ago, I decided to do this experience abroad. I was not able to do a choice by myself, and eventually I picked up a location not chosen by me. I went there to do a PhD, but suddenly I found myself asking "What am I doing here?", and my sense of shame grew bigger and deeper. The result is that I was frozen in my fear: I didn't want to continue that PhD, cause it was making any sense to me, I could not change location, as "people" would have abandoned me or humiliate me for my behaviour (...after humiliating my for a life long, for my being... I felt it as "the straw that breaks the camel's back"), and... I could not continue, as people that I knew there could say "Are you stupid to continue something you don't want?". My family, in all this, would criticise me and drop me as well, as I was not acting like a "mature man", as I was expected to act.

Well, the last is what happened. I stayed in that place to do a PhD, and I almost went nuts.
Then I had the courage to open a door that was closed for all my life, a door bringing me to a "feminine side", and then it all started to make sense.
In all this, what came to my mind to "restore the faith of the world in myself", was to say to people "Hey! I am a girl! Sorry for the confusion, please do not consider what I did until now", and save me from being put aside as "stupid".
In my head, this still makes a lot of sense.
I spent the last year trying to figure out if "being transgender" was a real thing, or only a need for me to justify myself from the huge shame and sense of abandonment I came up with.
The second hypothesis makes sense too, for this it has been all so complex and complicated so far.

Can you see my story?

Thanks everyone,
Ive

My first degree was not what I wanted to do either. I pretty much had to do it because my parents refused to allow me to be a drop out, which is what I would have become if they hadn't, but I didn't enjoy the subject I was doing as much as I thought I would. I was good at it, that was all. When it came to getting a job in the subject, I realized I didn't want to do that for the rest of my life and 'dropped out' after anyway to do something else.

I can't use the TG thing to get away with much. Most around me won't allow it. I won't allow it to define me because I know it doesn't. There was much more going on than that behind my scenes, although I do think it screwed me up more than I have led myself to believe. I also don't think saying to myself I have this problem is really going to help me, as I have no shame or denial to overcome with it. Shame of other things maybe, but not of this. I guess I got over those a long time ago too - can hardly blame myself for things I may have done as an idiot kid. It can take decades to get over some things but it's inevitable you will get over them. 

Quote from: Fresas con Nata on November 25, 2016, 06:31:16 AM
More or less. I've been having kind of decreased performance at work, and I think I'll use the trans condition as part of the reasons. Not exactly proud of that, though, and it's not 100% a lie anyway.

Agreed.  My manager and HR are wonderful and if you've read any of my posts from late September into October you'll see. 

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Nah, not yet.  I haven't been in a situation that would require it though. 

I think I may eat the last slice of pie though, when asked about it I will say it is due to being TG ;p