Well, I've never posted on here before but I've tend to look around when I've had questions about things I'm curious about since it's been quite a learning experience over the years. If this is somehow in the wrong category, I apologize in advance.
I wanted to know if maybe I could get some advice or guidance on what I should do about the current situation I'm in. This story may seem weird in some bits, so please don't judge me.
I'm 19 years old, and I'm going to have to say that I'm rather on the fence about transitioning or coming out to the rest of my friends and family. I've been dealing with this since I was younger, subtly until it started to hit and grow worse over the years. I reach sixth grade and that's where I started to self-harm over the issue and have been self-harming to this day every now and again. I feel senses of sadness and disgust with myself on almost a daily basis, whether it's using the bathroom, showering, etc. Whenever I see my body, I just think that's not me. I like to imagine my body without the current private parts I have. That somebody it'll just disappear and I'll be happy and won't ever have to look at something that seems disgusting to me. I hate that I'm tall and that I've got rather large feet, I always make comments about saying I wish I was 5'6 or I could wear smaller shoes, etc. And the worst part of it all is that I'm nineteen and everyday I just have an absolute fear that I'm going to keep growing more masculine and it makes me want to take it out on my body and self-harm. Whenever I'm in the mall or clothing stores and I see a women's section I feel "dysphoric" and I just feel completely lost and upset because that's what I feel is what I should be wearing or looking at. I love a lot of women's clothing and tend to make comments about certain pieces depending on who I'm with, or I constantly look at a lot of it online and have ordered a few women's sweaters for myself. I even go into the sections with my mom and give her opinions on clothes and help her shop. I don't like anything in the men's section, and if I do, it's rather plain and unisex. I'm very picky about my wardrobe. Oh your mom knows? Yes, I told her a few years ago and she supports and accepts me, it's just that I'm scared to come out to my dad, as well as the rest of my family is basically set in old traditions. My dad is a very loving and kind person and supports me to the end of the world, but it's just that at first if he doesn't understand something he gets upsets and yells, etc. Which I'm going to give an example for. I was about 16 years old and my dad finally found out I self-harmed and told me to show him my wrist and I refused and he yelled at me but ended up apologizing later on and wanted to help me but didn't know how to. I want him to know, but it just seems impossible as if almost the words don't seem existent to come out of my mouth to him. Both sides of my family are quite the religious bunch, not trying to hate on anybody or anything, or say anything ignorant. But I'm pretty sure they don't support what I want in my life. And that is, transitioning to a female. Not that I see them often, but I'm just a person that doesn't like to upset or make others feel uncomfortable, which kind of brings me to say that I want to come out to my dad before Christmas, and I told my mom that I don't want any male clothing for Christmas, but I said I don't want to make anybody uncomfortable if I am to receive opposite gender clothing, etc. I just feel stuck, I just want to say these words to friends and my father, but if things go sour I don't want to ruin my family, I don't want to lose some of my long life friends of more than a decade, etc. My friends are quite open-minded, but it's hard to say how people accept you when they haven't been put into that position, especially that of their close friend. I've been on the edge of telling my mother that I want a gender therapist it's just that I'm a rather reclusive person that doesn't leave their room too often and becomes depressed in it. Which I'm sure doesn't help my initial problem. I've crossdressed since I was younger at times when I'm home alone, I've also put on my mother's makeup such as eyeliner and taken pictures of myself to see how I looked, and also to show friends that are supportive of me. I've almost cried over getting a haircut because I didn't want my hair short, it's now rather long, a little above my shoulders and thought it'd be a good to have it growing out if I'm to transition soon so I'm able to "pass" faster or easier. I've got the feminine face or rather genetics from my mother as I've been told that I look like her and my sister, as well as I can see a feminine "look" of myself at times when I see myself in a mirror or if I'm wearing makeup, etc. I hate dressing as a guy, I wouldn't ever want to wear a suit, I'd love to be able to wear a dress, or leggings, or cute blouses I find online, etc. I have some friends call me by female pronouns, and even by the name I want to change mine to which is Ellie. The use or thought of female pronouns makes me smile or a yearn for. There's some days where I just hate my life overall and sometimes wish I could just be born a biological female and have everything erased. I know that sounds selfish, but I get so upset by the idea that I'm a male and growing more into one day by day. I've come out to over 10 people and I haven't ran into a person that doesn't accept me, but when it's key people in your life I just feel so much fear. I don't want to live the rest of my life as a male, and what kills me the most is the idea that I have this one life and I'm wasting it not being happy with myself because I live behind the fear of others opinions. This post is a mess and most likely isn't organized, but if you're able to and have taken the time out of your day would you please give me advice for what I should do or what I should look forward to in the future. I just feel lost and stuck, I'd really appreciate it as well as I haven't really gotten the opinions or thoughts of others who are or have been in this situation. As for maybe future comments, we've got great health insurance and I'm sure that my transition could be paid for fairly easy, and that I'm rather lucky for it.
