Most trans persons seem to know that they were different from very early on. I can't even remember anything until I was at least 10. I've spent countless hours trying to go back to find the trigger that told me just that. I have a sibling who is 10 years younger and my earliest memory is that I sneaked into his room while he was a baby and I was dressed in my mom's clothes. So I must have been at least 10 or even 11 at that time. Everything I remember from those days is my"crossdressing". My mom never caught me dressed (good job, Jessica!) But she quite often found her clothes in my room (poor job on hiding those things) and I often played the innocent act of having no idea who put them there....I don't think she ever believed me but I don't think we ever had a serious talk about it other than she asking why I was doing that.

Is anybody else having this issue of not remembering their pre teen years? It's almost like my brain tries to erase everything before I started identifying in a more female way...

I, as many others, pushed those feeling away for decades and just recently realized that my miserable life was caused by trying to fit into society instead of just being myself.

Hugs
Jessica


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I have the same problem.  I can remember snapshots of life before 10 but the continuous narrative no longer exists.  I often wonder if this is just normal with time or if I did it to myself?  It is interesting that in my mind my life before realizing I was trans seems so fragmentary and fleeting, as if I am reading it in a book about somebody else.


It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.
André Gide, Autumn Leaves

I can remember somethings, but most is gone. I can remember crossdressing at 4 , but that's about it.

My wife thought I was lying about not really knowing about my childhood. Sure, I have some general memories as a kid. Very few specifics, of which time and place I'd be hard pressed to define

I think in my case the lack of recall, over an entire lifetime, is more tied into my sense of self-worth. I never had a life I felt ownership of. I was simply doing what I was trained to do from childhood onwards. My life solely consisted of doing "What was expected". So what is there to remember? To be proud of?

After taking on the Trans-Beast for real, a lot of the self-worth aspects have changed. But recall of events, even great ones, just isn't there. Maybe it's just the way my brain is wired? I can recall all sorts of obtuse facts, raw numbers, or history, especially if it's related to my work going back even 40 years.

BTW I think mom's have some sort of Spidie-Sense for finding stashes of clothes.

It was age 13 when I figured it out but there were little things that in hind sight showed it existed all the way back. I didn't like blue jeans and wanted to dress in nicer male clothes. How many boys are interested in what they wear? I got along better with girls than boys. I didn't care for sports. I didn't play with dolls but instead took care of the younger children like they were my dolls. I was well behaved - more passive in nature than a boy. It's little clues, none which stand out and nothing that others picked up on when I was young.

I always thought that not having memories of one's early childhood was normal.  I find it weird when people say they can remember stuff from when they were young.  I don't. I have a few isolated memories from when I was a child, some of which are relevant to being trans or just to feeling different.  Even my memories of my teen years are fading.

Occasionally, I will get a flashback in which part of an existing memory becomes clearer.  Typically, that involves remembering how I felt during a particular event that is related to my trans history.

I can completely identify with your perspective. When I was younger, I can remember as far back as 5 knowing that I was a girl. I would sneak into my mom's closet and wear her heels and loved doing it. The older I got, I looked forward to being in the house by myself. My dressing started early with one peice bathing suits that tucked that thing between my legs and rapidly progressed to two peice bikinis and then into my mom's underwear. (Not proud of this) When I was big enough I laid claim to her satin skating skirt. Her clothes didn't fit me but I remember borrowing undergarments that would make my body look feminine. The older I got, I would give my mom style tips so she would buy clothes that I liked and started to collect a large collection vicariously through her. I would stay home by myself and looked forward ti trying them on and wearing them. She never picked up on it but I was always nervous she would. Now I'm living full time and completely out I think it all makes sense to her. She still has alot of the clothes i had her buy. I want to raid her closet and take all those clothes #TheStruggleIsReal

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This probably qualifies as my life's first memory.  I was probably 4-5.  I remember liking what I looked like aside from that lumpy thing between my legs.  I thought that if I just got rid of that I'd be perfect, or at least a lot more acceptable in my own eyes.  I couldn't understand why I had to have it.  Then a day came along- my mother gave my sister and I a bath together.  My sister's about two years younger than I am.  I understand you're not supposed to do that- bathe children of the opposite sex together.  Anyway the first thing I noticed was that my sister did not have the lump.  At that point things got pretty severe- I went from disliking the lump to hating it.  Why was I so ugly?  It wasn't fair!  After that I avoided looking at the thing as much as I possibly could, especially after things began to get furry, which of course just made them uglier. 

I have a fair amount of memories from early childhood, but i will say many of those were gender questioning related. Many are also mundane.

One of my first memories was of my older sis reading "Charlotte's Web" to me and then acting out parts of it.

Yes, I don't remember much... maybe because it was too traumatic. I never even cross dressed. I was just... depressed. 30 years of it. I just shut down at some point, and surfaced 30 years later...

QuoteBTW I think mom's have some sort of Spidie-Sense for finding stashes of clothes

If my mother found mine, she never mentioned it.

   I have very spotty memories of my childhood also. I do remember someone coming into my room while I was wearing a sister's dress and underwear. I had managed to hide in bed under a sheet drawn up around my neck. I don't know what they thought of it because nothing was said and I remember thinking I had gotten away with it.  I'm not so sure I always did now days.
   Hugs,
    Jeanette

My childhood is pretty spotty too. I remember a few specific things, but most of the time, I just remember very general things. Most of the vivid things are the trans related things. Part of that I think from a psychological standpoint is our minds coping with our childhood. A lot of us don't get to transition when we are young, so our mind tries to block it out or replace it to ease the pain. Childhood is not something we can not relive so we either accept what our childhood is or we try to block certain things out.

A lack of recall can be a protective emotional response and its not surprising that many of us here share that history or lack of it?  My original family helped me fill in some gaps.  My never acknowledged (lesbian?) aunt remembered none of her life before age 18.

We know people are working with folks who have experienced multiple Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) or Childhood Sexual Abuse (CSA) and have even codified some of that.   Social and psychological sciences suggest that those ACE scores can actually result in a shorter life span and a liability for future medical problems.  Early family and cultural discrimination take a real toll from us.  Stories of repression, denial and horrid shame are too common in our narratives here.

This is just another indicator of how important it is to support being real, telling the truth and providing education about the actual diversity of human life as early as possible.  There have always been gender non compliant people by any number of labels.  Now that people can more readily educate themselves there are, and will continue to be, people prepared to come on out and declare their truth at any age. 

Let's hope and expect a future where people will have more fond memories to cherish rather pain to forget.

While I can certainly remember many events as a child, going back to 3 or so, it's not a continuous memory.  I thought that's the way it was in general.  I certainly don't have a continuous memory of my adult life.  However, one of my aunts has been surprised about how much I do remember from when I was a child, so perhaps my memories from that age are better than average.

I have very vivid memories from the age of about 1-2. Images, mostly. I didn't know the words for things then but the images are burned in. I've described scenes to my parents and they were shocked I could remember this stuff being so young. I have very clear memories of events when I was about 6 or 7 years old. At 8-9 I specifically remember becoming fully "self-aware".

But after that there's a whole part of my childhood I deliberately tried to eliminate and suppress. Don't remember anywhere as many details from it except the stuff so negative I'm not permitted to forget it. It's choppy. I can remember horrible incidents and when my parents fought, but I can't remember other details my sister remembers perfectly. I find it hard to remember peripheral people and relatives. She seems to find it nuts I can't remember simple stuff from back then, but I was in full burial mode. I'm nervous she'll bring something up I not only won't remember but something stupid I did that contradicts who I am today. Because I've gone through a few different iterations of myself down the years and each one of them was shed like a dead skin. One reason I'm not keen on meeting relatives who only knew me as a child, they will probably remember things I won't - awkward - and will only have known me as someone I no longer know. It was like that last time I spoke to my real dad. He had no idea not only about the male thing but also no idea who I've become in personality. Wasn't long before it seriously got on my nerves. I've sort of accepted I don't want to try and remember, and probably no good will come from trying to dig up the past.

I can remember all the way to 4,i learned from my tom boy middle sis how to hide in plain sight by wearing it's and jeans,I was forced to wear a suit for church on Sundays til I turned 13 and put a stop to it. I remember the catalogs and always going to the girls section and fantasizing that was me in those pretty dresses.I've always known I wasn't a boy and nature pulled a joke on me and then pulled a bigger hole when I hit puberty and developed like a female, the lack of estrogen stopped by breast at a aa cup and that was the last time I went shirtless like the other boys. Life has been interesting too say the least.

I wish I could forget my childhood! The endless gender dysphoria (which I, of course, had no name for) just added another level of hell on top of living in a disfunctional household totally devoid of anyone who had the capacity to express any emotions other than self-hatred and anger. My therapist has explained to me some of the different tricks that young children use to survive in unhealthy environments. Fight, flight, freeze or forget. All valid survival mechanisms.

I only remember bits and pieces. Using a towel as a skirt is the earliest one and I peg that at somewhere between 4 and 8. I had no frame of reference other than how my room was decorated.

I have an incredibly spotty recollection of anything before ~age 12.  It's not gender related, per se.  Mostly it's because of the extreme amounts of emotional abuse from family and peers.  I have very few gender related memories other than being naive and not caring if something was "for" girls or boys. E.g. when preparing me for kindergarten I got to pick out a lunchbox.  I wanted one that had a picture of She-Ra on it.  I loved He-Man and thus by extension She-Ra was cool because it was the same extended universe.  My parents had to explain to me that She-Ra was for girls while He-Man was for boys.  I couldn't for the life of me see what the fuss was about. Otherwise, it's mostly a cavalcade of hurt and shame.