As a quick recap I came out to my parents in July, I'm 34, self supporting, and live in a different state than they do. I visited once before but it was only for a weekend, I also visited for thanksgiving. My Father doesn't seem to want to talk to me, and when he does its very utilitarian and overly formal, like we're business associates. I talked to my mother about it and apparently after I came out he was angry about it. She implied that he wanted to just shut me out of his life if I transition, and she said that if he does that to me he does that to her. I could conceivably break up my parent's 45 year marriage. She said it wasn't my fault but it totally is, if I hadn't been born they could have had the child they wanted instead of getting stuck with me. They've been amazing parents, and they deserve better.

I think I understand why my father would be angry about this. I'm robbing him of his legacy. My mother has been very supportive of me, she even offered to get me something feminine for christmas that I could open privately.  Though she seems to think that we shouldn't tell my 96 year old grandmother about it. I need to do something about this. My father drove me to the airport on my way back, and I haven't experienced that much awkward non-talking since my last breakup.

I'm not sure what I'll accomplish by this, hopefully it will help to get this off my chest.

As an aside while I was waiting in the airport and (successfully) fighting to keep from crying an elderly woman who was walking by me stopped to tell me that my nails looked nice. I'm going to assume that means she gendered me as female.

You are absolutely NOT responsible for maintaining or ending your parents' relationship.  If he chooses that because of your choice, it's still him making the choice to end it, not you.  And you're certainly not responsible for being born.  You have the right to seek your happiness, and I hope that you follow your heart. 

L

None of this is your fault, don't blame yourself for it.  Don't let that guilt swell up in you, and cause you harm, because this is his choice, not yours. 

In many respects you are in an enviable position.  You don't live under your father's roof or even at his doorstep.  As you stated, you are self-supporting so you are not dependent upon your father for day to day living expenses.  You both have the space and capacity to live your own lives. 

Try to see things from his point of view.  For thirty-four years he has lived without questioning the idea that you were his son.  To suggest that is no longer the case is a huge, bitter pill to swallow.  You need to give him time to digest it.  Will he eventually come round?   At this juncture is a difficult for anyone to make that judgment, even your mother.  I would urge you to be patient with him.  Keep the lines of communication open even if all you are able to talk about are things that interest him and perhaps the weather.  Your patience may not result in him becoming a champion of the transgender community, but it may over time lead to a gradual thaw and a hint of understanding. 

Admittedly there is nothing very profound to be found here.  I hope it is of some help to you.  It is well-intentioned even if it is a bit lame. 

I agree with Katy. You are responsible for your decisions and you have a right to seek your own happiness. What your parents do is not in your control nor are their decisions.

Think about non-trans things to talk about with your dad for next time. Sports is a good topic although I know nothing about sports.

Make the most of each day and be happy. Those that are on board enrich our lives. Those that are not on board pull us down. You too have a choice with your dad. Give your dad time but do not let the intolerance into your mind and effect how you feel.

You are their daughter.  Let that sink in.

It's going to take them time, and it'll be hard for them to really believe it until they can see it.  Yes, patience is key.  Men in particular struggle with their emotions (he's probably feeling more than anger) -- but your mom, she might be the key to unraveling the whole mess.  Because it seems she's willing to see, and that's what it takes.  So remind her that you're her daughter.  Let that sink in for her, and trust that she'll work on your dad.  And get her a really nice card for Christmas, maybe even a second one that she can open in private.

You don't owe anyone a "legacy" (ugh, what patriarchal horse-puckey), and you don't have to do anything other than be your true self.  Be a daughter, that's all you can do.

None of this is your fault.  The most fundemental human right is the right to be yourself.  There is no fault in that.

It is unfortunate that your father shuns you, but that is his choice, not yours.  If your parents split up, that is their choice, not yours.  Don't take on responsibility for their choices.  They are free to be nice to you and to each other if they so choose.