I thought I would share my story, reading the forums here at Susan's place has been a massive help and has helped me to accept my true self and wish continue along this road and progress to HRT.

I have not come out to anyone yet and this will take a long time, I do plan on talking to my wife but I have decided to put this off till the new year, I do suspect she will be supportive as she is very open minded and I dont want us to split up as I love her very much.

The first time I knew I wanted to be a girl was between the age of 3/4 and would look through the clothing catalogue at girls clothes and tell my mum which skirt I wanted for school, she thought this was a phase and this was backed up by the Doctor when she enquired.

But these thoughts continued and I regularly crossed dressed when I could, being in a small uk village in the early 70's and 80's which was very gossipy and anti anything from the norm was tough and I did my best to fit in and never told anyone how I felt, my dad was this way so I was terrified of him seeing the true me and acted like one of the boys, but I'm sure my mum knew her clothes had been worn and make up bag was not in the right order, me and my mum never talked about it in the end and she passed a few years ago.

Over the years I had started to build a small collection of clothes and bits of make up but not shoes! back then it was so hard to find anything size 9 as you bought from catalogues due to no internet but the the guilt would set with the 'you are not normal' voice and I would dispose of my items and suppress my feminine side.

My friends would comment on girls arse or boobs when they walked pass, I would be checking out there shoe's, hand bag, makeup, nails and clothes which till continues to this day.

I once tried to let a ex girlfriend know I liked womens clothes coming home drunk from the pub and that night she dressed me up and I loved it, by the morning she was a lot less enthusiastic and put me down pretty hard, when we split a few months later she spread this information around.

I had gone through all what am I's and still was till recently even a couple of gay encounters which never did anything for me as it did not feel natural.

By my 30's I'd have bouts of the female in me coming out but it was soon locked away and suppressed the hardest to deal with was when my metabolism slowed, due to the drinking I piled on the pounds and I stopped dressing all together and have not since, what I see in the mirror is not the real reflection of the women inside of me, I have found it very depressing and I have lost a lot of the little self confidence I had, within recent years I have become more and more withdrawn.

While no longer dressing (believe me i would if I could get passed my current body condition) it has not stopped my feminine side, I often get girly watching films, nail care, reading beauty tips, shaving and window shopping on the internet even joining these forums but leaving before reading anything when the guilt would set in again.

This occurred a few weeks ago my women feelings came back and I think these have been getting stronger which may be a drop in testosterone I suspect due to my age but I think about it like almost every hour of everyday and I just hit the wall, I just could not continue in this horrible cycle but coming on here and reading stories and other blogs I have finally been able to put the jigsaw together.

At the age of 43 I can finally admit in my dreams/ fantasies I'm always a woman and Inside of me I am women trapped in the wrong body.

Being able to admit this to myself this last week has been an amazing event for me and a relief after endless years of trying to be what I thought was normal or trying to figure out who I am with out feeling totally ashamed.

I hope this is the beginning of the journey to finally letting this women take control.

I have booked an appointment to see a local female doctor in 2 weeks, where I will explain how I feel and request referring to a UK gender clinic, I wish to begin HRT.

Thanks all and sorry about my grammar - its not the best xxx

Atta girl! I am so happy for you! i am 22 and still kinda new to the trans world. You can be my Trans-sister !

Quote from: SailorMars1994 on December 02, 2016, 02:07:50 PM
Atta girl! I am so happy for you! i am 22 and still kinda new to the trans world. You can be my Trans-sister !

Sure will - thank you xxx

Welcome to Susan's Place. I hope you stay here and continue to grow as a person. I see far to many people who understood the truth about themselves in their teens but waited so many years to address it. I know the pain I felt and I completed my transition by 30. Many of the people have delayed their transition far longer and continued to experience many additional years of discomfort.

As you are in the UK, you may discover that you have a long wait to get in the system. There is something called bridging where you can receive private help until you are able to enter regular treatment. Make sure you enquire about both because there is no need to stretch this out longer than necessary.

We issue to all new members the following links so you will best be able to use the web site.

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Hi Lucy, I'm a 39 year old girl in Bedfordshire. I'm working my way through both my own personal discovery and the NHS bureaucracy. Support from the NHS and particularly your GP can be a very mixed bag. When you see you doctor take along the GMC interim guidance for GPs, and if they are not supportive, seek out another, you are entitled to good care. All the best on your journey. X

http://www.gmc-uk.org/guidance/28851.asp

Thank you both for your replies and I will look at links and take the GMC advice link for the Doctor, it's not my family Doctor and I selected a appointment with a female GP as she specialises in womens health, I prefer talking about this to a female GP and hope she is understanding.

On further reading the waiting times are very disappointing but I am hopeful they will get them down for when I get in the system.

My doubts did creep back tonight after I originally posted, they lasted around 10mins before I was back to my new normal and I do know this is the right path for me after all the years of what I would now describe as self abuse, I wish I had been ready to face this so long ago.

The big day with the Doctor is on the 14th and it will be the first time I have discussed this openly with anyone so still a big day for me, I will post back and update the post with how it goes.

Good luck, I hope it's a positive step for you.

One thing to keep in mind is you can try a few of the steps and if you don't like your life better, you can always stop. Most after they are on HRT for a month or two never have any intention of stopping. Of the few that stop, most quickly decide that was a mistake and return to HRT. You are not committing to a life time, only to try something different for a few months. Nobody other than the professional you deal with need to know for a while.

I am soon to go on HRT.
lucy_girl, take your age and add another 20 years of a situation during which I was silly enough to wish my desire to be a woman would just go away. I purged several times with my feminine clothes, but each time keeping perhaps at least a third of my best things.
I had times of alcohol abuse.
I had times of dark depression.
I hate to say it now, but during past alcoholic depressions I contemplated and even attempted suicide.
That is all gone now.
I, at 64 years of age and after so many, many decades of thinking my desire to be considered a woman would just go away, I NO LONGER THINK MY WOMANHOOD IS GOING AWAY!

Welcome from a Blackpool girl

Quote from: Dena on December 02, 2016, 05:39:26 PM
Nobody other than the professional you deal with need to know for a while.

I think I will put it off with the wife till I know what will be happening.

Quote from: big kim on December 03, 2016, 01:13:20 AM
Welcome from a Blackpool girl

Hi Kim, I am not to far from you only a hour and a half in the car, been to blackpool many times.

Quote from: Donna on December 02, 2016, 09:13:33 PM
I am soon to go on HRT.
lucy_girl, take your age and add another 20 years of a situation during which I was silly enough to wish my desire to be a woman would just go away. I purged several times with my feminine clothes, but each time keeping perhaps at least a third of my best things.
I had times of alcohol abuse.
I had times of dark depression.
I hate to say it now, but during past alcoholic depressions I contemplated and even attempted suicide.
That is all gone now.
I, at 64 years of age and after so many, many decades of thinking my desire to be considered a woman would just go away, I NO LONGER THINK MY WOMANHOOD IS GOING AWAY!

I have been through the similar, I think what has helped me get to this cross roads is virtually stopping with the alcohol and distancing myself from the friends I drank with, typical men that I did never really did connect with as I was different inside, keeping away has given me opportunity to realise this and made me strong enough to admit this to myself instead of keeping it buried.

Thank you all for your support, it really is amazing and you're all are amazing for helping me feel amazing, I seriously have not felt this good in years! xxx

Here's hoping you get on HRT soon and feel that self confidence coming back. HRT has been a life saver for me. So much that I had lost and hadn't even realized it.

Quote from: AnxietyDisord3r on December 03, 2016, 05:28:58 AM
Here's hoping you get on HRT soon and feel that self confidence coming back. HRT has been a life saver for me. So much that I had lost and hadn't even realized it.

Thank you, I really do hope its sooner than expected, I am so excited for the future and becoming my true self

Just a update, I saw the Doctor tonight and asked for a referral to the GIC.

Last couple of days I was close to cancelling this appointment and the voice as I call it has done everything to tell me I'm stupid, you cant do this and face being a man has been constant.

What made me stick to it is my young daughter, being moody and withdrawn is bad for her which fills me with incredible guilt so I made the appointment.

The Doctor could have not been more understanding and supportive, we chatted about things that I have kept buried for so long under lock and key and away from everyone which while being extremely nervous it felt amazing to talk this over with someone I could feel my true self coming out and I left with an amazing and pretty happy feeling for once.

She will be referring me to GIC clinic and calling me back in, in the new year to complete any required blood tests etc.

Pretty Happy how things went and I'm slowly starting my Journey.

Quote from: April_Girl on December 03, 2016, 05:59:26 AM
Thank you, I really do hope its sooner than expected, I am so excited for the future and becoming my true self

Good for you. It is a major leap to seek counseling. I started to seek help on at least six occasions since 1984. Each time I would chicken out and tell the therapist I was suffering from stress which I was but it wasn't what ailed me. I finally couldn't hide it any more. The enormous weight that came off my shoulders that day seven months ago. At the end of my second visit. Misti asked me if I wanted to begin hormone therapy. She wrote my letter before the third appointment. I have been on HRT for four months and I must say, it is the best I have felt in a looong, long time.

Thank you Dawn, I really do feel relieved and happy at the moment on starting this journey, just being able to finally admit to myself and talk to a Doctor about out it has been a massive step for me.