About 8 months ago now, my wife caught me cross dressing again thanks to a friend of hers coming across photos of me online. My wife demanded that I get rid of all my femme clothes and stop dressing or end the marriage. I did as she asked as I do love her and don't want to lose her or my kids. Very recently I have gotten the urge to dress again something terrible, but I know if I do and get caught, this time the marriage will truly be over. Anyone been through anything similar?

Bobbi, I was never caught but the choice between being honest and true to ourselves or continuing to be the person our families and friends love is one I and many here face. Talking honestly and openly with your wife and trying to find a compromise might be something to try, perhaps some therapy for just yourself to figure out what you might need, or some for you as a couple. Wishing you the best. X

Megan,
Thank you for the advice. We have chatted, my wife and I, as openly and honestly as we could, and I did go see a therapist for a while. We even spoke with our pastor about my dressing (both together and separately), and although he said that the church doesn't approve of the cross dressing so to speak, that I have to find the truth within myself. I was doing so well for a while with not dressing, but the girl in me wants out again. I just now have to build my secret wardrobe again in order to do that. Thank you again hon.

Hugs,
Bobbi Anne

An unaccepting wife is a pretty common issue on the site and the best solution I know of is brining your wife to your therapist for a joint session. She fails to understand that you will remain loyal to her and the family but this is something that is very difficult to suppress. She also fails to realize the damage it will do to the family if you separate. In a separation like this, the courts tend to favor keeping the children with both parents and she will also discover that their will be less money to live on because you will need a place to live. Possibly a dose of reality will make her understand you are not cheating on her but you only need some time to express yourself.

I can't say that I am in that situation or even close. I have never been married and nor will I ever be married unless I am the bride which of course I don't think will ever happen. I am not attracted to females but I am attracted to their lives and there body parts and if I did meet a woman that supported me in who I am then I think it would work out even though I am very submissive these days.

I do hope that things work out for you and sorry that you are going through this right now.

Quote from: Dena on December 04, 2016, 09:08:48 AM
An unaccepting wife is a pretty common issue on the site and the best solution I know of is brining your wife to your therapist for a joint session. She fails to understand that you will remain loyal to her and the family but this is something that is very difficult to suppress. She also fails to realize the damage it will do to the family if you separate. In a separation like this, the courts tend to favor keeping the children with both parents and she will also discover that their will be less money to live on because you will need a place to live. Possibly a dose of reality will make her understand you are not cheating on her but you only need some time to express yourself.

Dena,

Thank you. I have asked her on multiple occasions to go to the therapist with me also, but she says she doesn't need the therapy, I do.

I have told her that I have no plans on cheating on her, but the more she puts her foot down, the more I think about it.

I have talked to a lawyer and I could leave, but I don't want my kids to grow up without their father in the house like I did. I have a special needs child that would be devastated, as well as my other children if we split.

I am just very confused and struggling. Thank you again hon.

Hugs,
Bobbi Anne

Quote from: JayceeTG on December 04, 2016, 12:01:22 PM
I can't say that I am in that situation or even close. I have never been married and nor will I ever be married unless I am the bride which of course I don't think will ever happen. I am not attracted to females but I am attracted to their lives and there body parts and if I did meet a woman that supported me in who I am then I think it would work out even though I am very submissive these days.

I do hope that things work out for you and sorry that you are going through this right now.

Thank you Jaycee. Hopefully things work out for you too hon.

Hugs,
Bobbi Anne

The programmer in me like to reduce complex things into their simplest forms as it makes coding far less difficult. In your case, the transgender feelings you have are not going away or will they be reduced in intensity. Your wife doesn't seem to understand this and is unwilling to learn. Often we tend to take other peoples feelings into consideration more than our own, often causing us additional pain. I think it comes down to explaining to your wife that it's to a visit with your therapist or a visit with divorce court. Her inactivity is a decision in it's self for divorce court. She took you in sickness and in health and she is not keeping her end of the bargain.

I stopped dressing for 15 years  while my kids grew up. It was not easy. Whenever I see a beautiful woman I wonder what it must be like being her. I particularly love Bones right now because Emily Deschanel is so hot. I would love being her. Or maybe Alicia Keys, to be so beautiful, and talented and smart 154 IQ would be the ultimate transformation. Crazy since my thinking is always centered on beauty. Maybe because my sister was so beautiful. Last Feb it came back with a vengeance and I could not ignore it. I had become so detached from the family. I actually wanted estrogen to do for me what anti depression meds were not doing. It has worked. My wife is accepting as well as the kids. We will see as my hair is now down to my chin and my boobs and nipples become more noticeable.  In fact I think my nips and aereola are at their max right now. I do know they feel a lot better than the old ones, stimulation wise. Last but not least, I have returned to family and friends in a far better frame of mind. I do hope you find the happiness you seek without losing this very important part of your life. Be truthful with the therapist and don't leave anything out. Details make a difference.

I can relate to the horrible feelings that go with having to make such a gut wrenching choice. For me it got to a point where if I didn't deal with my issues then there was no marriage. I was miserable, withdrawn hateful and full of anger. My wife did know about my crossdressing before we got married but it had been one of those things she "tolerated" and at times early in our marriage did try to support. She saw it was some kind of weird fetish but I wasn't hurting anyone but once the kids came along things changed. In the end she became really uncomfortable with it and was responsible for purging all my clothes to which I was quite complicit at the time. I could see the relief on her face when I agreed for her to throw an item out.

But no matter what the feelings never left me, I did in the end sit down and tell her that I was scared and that I thought that for me this could be more than cross dressing because I had this thing called Gender Dysphoria but I was to depressed and confused to really know what to do or how to do it and needed help. She is a wonderfully compassionate soul and could see my distress and wanted to help any way she could, in the end by getting me some therapy.  I expected her to walk out or at best shun me when I told her but she didn't

You get one go around in this life and you have to take some responsibility for your own happiness. Do you know why your wife feels they way she does? Is there any chance of her finding a way to accept this as part of you?  What are you prepared to do in the long term if she does not?

She may be terrified of what your desire to cross dress means for yours and her future, she may have concerns about you wanting to transition, she may also have concerns that threaten her own femineity, she may not even have a basic understanding of crossdressing and why people do it, she could have any number of issues around this but with time and talk many things can be achieved.

I am currently transitioning and remain firmly attached to my beloved wife and she to me. I don't think the future is all rainbows and unicorns for us but we love each other and take that strength into all situations.

I hope you can have this work out for you

Liz

The urge to dress will not ever go away.  It is the feminine side of you calling to be let out.  If anything, the urge will get worse over time.  Most people find the urge irresistible.  If you can't do it openly, you'll do it in secret.  And the dishonesty will do more harm to your marriage than the dressing will.

It would be best if your wife would go with you to therapy.  If she doesn't, she is making herself part of the problem instead of part of the solution.  But you can't make her go.  So the next best thing is to go by yourself.  If you can't find a gender therapist, see if your general therapist can recommend one.  It is best to talk to someone who understands the field.

Whatever therapist you go to, stick with it until you have a clear vision of the path ahead of you.  Part of that process will be weighing the benefits and costs of being yourself versus staying on your wife's terms.  Both will have pain.  The question is which pain can you live with.  Finding that answer is what therapists are for.

Bobbi Anne,

I have seen instances where one person in a couple has been going to therapy for something and the other refuses to go (for the same reasons your spouse has given you).  As others have stated, "you cannot force her to go", however you could ask your therapist to write her a note requesting that she attend a session in order for a discussion to be held in a more relaxed, controlled environment.  She may still refuse, but if you can somehow explain to her that her presence may help with a portion of the therapy you are getting, she might possibly attend.

I empathize with the situation you are facing.  The path ahead is not an easy one.  No matter what happens, things will work out the way they are intended to; maybe not the way you want, but the way they are meant to.

Hope this helps.

Joanne

I am in a similar situation although, rather than being discovered, I confessed all to my wife and after a rollercoaster ride of acceptance/non acceptance, she finally gave me the ultimatum to quit or it's over.  I quit immediately and had a full and final purge.

However, as you have discovered, it's not that easy.  My dysphoria comes and goes; I get the full range of emotions 'what on earth was I doing?' to wanting to transition.  Given the wide variance of feelings, I know that transition is not appropriate for me but, recently, I've found fighting the urges to restock and dress increasingly hard to fight and, like you, I'm now seriously considering buying a few items in secret.

As I've written in other posts, I have a great deal of sympathy for wives who have this sprung on them after several years/decades of marriage and the thing that I never thought about was how my wife would feel about the deception.  In many respects, this was a harder pill for her to swallow that coming to terms with the fact that her husband liked to wear high heels and a wig, not because of some sexual deviancy but because it stemmed from a nagging wish that he'd been born female.

Equally, I know that the current situation is not healthy for me, or indeed for you in your case.  The problem is, as we've both discovered, the feelings don't go away and trying to surpress them leads to stress and anxiety with consequential damage to one's health and relationships.  I would love to feel able to confront my wife and say that, whilst I love her, I can't continue as I am and negotiate a compromise; however I am terrified that this would reignite the issues, cause her a lot of upset as it did last time and, at worst, lead to the immediate & permanent breakdown of our relationship.  I know that others will say that she should understand and be tolerant but the bottom line is that had she known about my TG urges and crossdressing when we first met, she would not have married me and I have to respect that.

I hope that you will find a solution to your predicament.

Amanda

Quote from: aaajjj55 on December 10, 2016, 02:49:10 AM
I am in a similar situation although, rather than being discovered, I confessed all to my wife and after a rollercoaster ride of acceptance/non acceptance, she finally gave me the ultimatum to quit or it's over.  I quit immediately and had a full and final purge.

However, as you have discovered, it's not that easy.  My dysphoria comes and goes; I get the full range of emotions 'what on earth was I doing?' to wanting to transition.  Given the wide variance of feelings, I know that transition is not appropriate for me but, recently, I've found fighting the urges to restock and dress increasingly hard to fight and, like you, I'm now seriously considering buying a few items in secret.

As I've written in other posts, I have a great deal of sympathy for wives who have this sprung on them after several years/decades of marriage and the thing that I never thought about was how my wife would feel about the deception.  In many respects, this was a harder pill for her to swallow that coming to terms with the fact that her husband liked to wear high heels and a wig, not because of some sexual deviancy but because it stemmed from a nagging wish that he'd been born female.

Equally, I know that the current situation is not healthy for me, or indeed for you in your case.  The problem is, as we've both discovered, the feelings don't go away and trying to surpress them leads to stress and anxiety with consequential damage to one's health and relationships.  I would love to feel able to confront my wife and say that, whilst I love her, I can't continue as I am and negotiate a compromise; however I am terrified that this would reignite the issues, cause her a lot of upset as it did last time and, at worst, lead to the immediate & permanent breakdown of our relationship.  I know that others will say that she should understand and be tolerant but the bottom line is that had she known about my TG urges and crossdressing when we first met, she would not have married me and I have to respect that.

I hope that you will find a solution to your predicament.

Amanda

Amanda I hope you can get some peace. You are right transition is not for everyone but for all of us it is a choice to live either in constant anxiety or happiness.

Liz

Quote from: ElizabethK on December 10, 2016, 03:11:46 AM
Amanda I hope you can get some peace. You are right transition is not for everyone but for all of us it is a choice to live either in constant anxiety or happiness.

Liz

Liz

Thank you for your kind words.  I think it's very important to be realistic; for many of us, our first port of call on this site is the before and after thread and looking at the spectacular transitions achieved by many of the ladies, it's very easy to get swept along and think that transition is the way to go.  Agreed, it can resolve many anxieties but, equally, it can bring many more than it resolves if it's not the right path for you.

Yes, there's not a day that goes by when I do not wish that nature had taken a different turn and my wardrobe was full of dresses, skirts and heels rather than boring old guy clothes but that is a very different proposition to wanting to potentially walk away from everything I have in pursuit of what I believe is an idealised view of feminity (i.e. the beauty, clothes, sex appeal etc. without all of the problems that women, and particularly transwomen, face) and that is why I think cross dressing is the right route for me. 

Amanda

Bobbi Ann,

I am in the first stages of my coming out and am extremely thankful for this community and for this thread. As I strive for a definite direction and see the struggles you are going through and the sharing you are willing to do it only provides me with the desire to support you in your path. Myself...in your shoes I would follow my heart and trust that whether others have the respect for me to honor my own choices in life. I am getting to the point in life that I am beginning to get somewhat selfish...and not really give a crap what others think of me. Kinda like a female Popeye...

"I yam what I yam!"   LOL

~Branwen

Have you tried to get her to go to therapy with you, saying the therapy IS for you, not her, but you think it may help her understand you? She went to the pastor with you....

And... WHY did you have pictures online? She may not have been nearly as upset if there was no way anyone outside your bedroom could know.  She might even have been willing to let you do limited dressing when you were alone and no one (perhaps even including her) could see you.  She may be as much, or more, afraid of you being outed than you are, or many of the girls here are.