Hi there everyone, I've been reading the site as a guest for awhile and I figured it was time to introduce myself and provide some background. Sorry for the length, but it's therapeutic
This will be a difficult thing to write...not because I'm unsure on who I am, but because there is so much to explain/express and properly sort out. Perhaps to make things easy, I can reference Dr. Anne Vitale's paper "Gender Variant Phenomenon - A Developmental Review". Recently I followed a link to that paper from this site and read it intensely. I'm 43 years old and am a perfect match to the Group Three description. Sentence to sentence and paragraph to paragraph I was dumb struck on how perfectly the details fit me....it felt like it was written ABOUT me. As the paper describes, my gender confusion started very young...probably 5-6 years old. It manifested itself early as an attraction to clothing....hosiery, shoes, dresses' etc. Throughout my pre-teens/teens it never went away, but I kept it VERY secret. The youngest of three boys I was forced into typical male sports and activities....which I suppose "helped" bury my need for feminine things, but it never left me. "Oddly" enough, I never enjoyed team sports and gravitated toward competitive swimming (and later in life weight lifting)..both listed as a "typical" activity Group3 transgender individuals prefer. At this time I also threw myself into studies and achieved success in education. I dated girls through my teens but never was sexually active and enjoyed the conversation and their makeup/shoes/outfits (secretly) rather than being overly concerned with getting into the sheets. Even to this day, seeing attractive woman on the streets ALWAYS only results in me studying their movements, looking at hair/outfits and ultimately feeling jealousy. Fast forward through years of secretive crossdressing. Never once did it slowdown, I couldn't shake it. Also, I describe my efforts to hide it as having "military precision" .....nobody had a clue, I never let a hint escape or had a desire to share it with anyone. Until I met my wife.
After just a passing knowledge of each other for years in the middle and high school halls we met at a small party where I never even talked to her.....just knew I needed to. After being introduced through a friend, the first night we talked lasted 5-6 hours and I told her about my gender confusion.....which at that time I figured was just a need for crossdressing. To this date, I don't know why I told her, it was ALWAYS a deep secret and I had no idea that we would stay together....but we did. We married 6 years later and she has from day one been COMPLETELY supportive.
For years, my crossdressing has always had some part of our life in the bedroom... but it was just that. That seemed to be enough. Then it was me requiring more eloborate dress-up nights. That seemed to be enough. Then the dress-up nights weren't long enough and we stayed up until 3-4am so I could have "more" time. Confusing this has been keeping it from my son over the years. Over the past 4-5 years I would say things have certainly changed and "crossdressing" for sexual gratification wasn't
"IT" anymore. The longer time has passed, the more I realize that there is never enough time to express who I am and it took a toll on my mood. Bouts of depression, anxiety ...up/down/up/down......I knew what it was but wanted to keep it in so as to not strain things with my wife.
A few months ago.....I had to let it out. This clearly isn't a passing phase and it's been taking tolls on the my wife and son. I'm a woman inside and that's who I need to express on the outside too. My wife took it
amazingly and we have been closer than ever. The bouts of deep depression and horrible moods made perfect sense to her. We are both much much happier with our "new" relationship....perhaps for another story, but to the point that my wife is actually questioning her sexuality at this point.....something she's said that has been buried through her life and our relationship.
For now, WE have been "secretly" transitioning to get ready for an eventuality. Losing muscle, tearing down the life of learned mannerisms and letting me out of my shell. Unfortunely, I'm not passable (a huge point of dysphoria) so an external life isn't in the cards quite yet. I'm planning on seeing a therapist shorty to get things sorted out and discuss the options for HRT. I'm hoping to transition slowly to see what my body/soul requires for fulfillment and prepare for FFS if I need to fully transition. My wife and I have discussed the possibility of SRS... I'm in no way attached to my current genitals and feel odd even needing to use 'it'.....we haven't had traditional M/F relations for a long time.
One thing that we have been struggling with is our 10yo son. He's a great kid and I've been a pretty typical Dad. We know that we need to discuss this with him because it's the right thing to do and eventually things are going to change. I feel our window is closing, because puberty may change his mind/perception etc.
But how does that conversation even start.....would a therapist help here? Any hints on starting that conversation? We have discussed what we need to express.....mommy/daddy? will be staying together and we love each other and him very much....that he will always be our son and that never changes.
Sorry for the long drawn out intro....thanks for listening and I hope to be involved here over the next several years.
Staci
