Can being misgendered every day make you doubt yourself, make you confused about your gut feelings and emotions and prone to being manipulated by others? Put your self esteem in the toilet and have you seeking validation from the outside? I think so.

So far I always thought I would not mind much.

This week I had two incidents where I was in male mode with no indication of being trans and did get "misgendered" which really did bug me:

On this weeks business trip being called "sir" all the time in the hotel really started to bug me and increased my fear of just not being able to ever pass (given that I was in male mode how should they know). Even walking into the local "Mac" store to get some foundation, they assumed "this will work great on camera" - again she might have spotted my access badge for one of the large TV networks, so she could not know.

In all of these cases I now noticed that I always thought "please do not call me sir" and my dysphoria going through the roof. Since it was not classic misgendering I could not blame them but it does go well in line with what you are saying and I really started having serious doubts about myself.

Anxiety -
   Yes and no.  As with a lot of trans* related topics, it depends upon the situation.  When I'm in guy mode and I get misgendered (mam'd, gosh I wish it was Miss not Mam) I'm as happy as can be.  When I'm in androgynous mode I wish people wouldn't sir me but I don't blame them (MUCH).  And when I'm in full out Girl mode it's a little demoralizing BUT...

    Mentally I turn it around on them and think - ARE YOU STUPID?  OPEN YOUR F'N EYES! That is until I speak, then all hope is lost.  (I really need to work on my voice.)

So basically, I'm just starting out (6 weeks on E) so I'm assuming it's going to get better.  I know if I didn't keep a PMA (Positive Mental Attitude) I would suffer from self esteem issues.  I don't see it as an attempted manipulation by others unless they are being hurtful.  If that's the case (which has not yet happened to me) I would again put it back on them.  I probably would say something like "get over it" or "See ya" and leave etc.  Basically point it out that THEY are the one with issues, not me.

Anxiety, remember this, only you can give others permission to make you feel bad.  Put it back on them.

- Dee Dee

It hurts, yes...but that kind of hurt doesn't make me doubt myself. Only I truly know the how and why I am trans, other people are seeing my outward appearance as distorted through their own biases.

My reality is not subject to their perception.

  + 

Well....it sucks....but it's real. As I mentioned in another post. These people have no vested interest in you, so if you're a trans woman and they're misgendering you while in drab, it's because they naturally are gravitating to who they think you are. They're canaries in a coal mine letting you know you're not there yet physically.  But if you're presenting in female attire and are a trans-woman,  well it can be pretty hard on you. But the reality is, THAT person is making a BIG statement. And the statement says much more about them, than it does about you. They're the ones with the problems, not you. Your only job is to be proud trans warrior and carry on. These people are generally angry small minded ->-bleeped-<-z and living unhappy existences. "Haters gonna hate" as it has been said. Let em' hate. Only words.  Got nothing to do with us.

I think it could. At the very least it would make me frustrated enough to change my situation.

It still bothers me a little but I've trained myself to gently correct them as any other woman would. What helped me most was some talks with cis friends of mine who told me it happens to them, too.

Imagine if you will a cis gender person being misgendered...it does happen, probably more than we realise. Sometimes it's because the person doing it is being deliberately nasty, but more often than not it is a mistake.

First time it happens it may feel weird, it may annoy or upset them. Usually they brush it off, but it often rankles. Now, imagine it happened the next day and the next - that cis gender person is really going to be asking themselves "what's happening??"

So yeah, being misgendered can make anybody feel confused and self doubt - cis or trans.

For us as trans people it is especially hard since we are trying to bridge a gap with some very specific biological handicaps potentially at play. The thing to consider is...are the misgenderings mistakes or deliberate. If they are mistakes then realise you may not visually "conform" to someone else's gender expectations and they don't realise you are presenting as that preferred gender, if deliberate then then that person needs a good talking to.

PS I was called "sir" looking as I did in my avatar pic...! I k ow it was a mistake by someone with a poor grasp of English but it was still a jab to the ego.

I suppose so? Depends on the person really.

For example, I am gendered right most of the time but quite often not. I know that I still need to give T time and I don't blame anyone for thinking my voice sounds "off" at the moment, or whatever. Until I look the part 100% I have a mental justification for it happening.

If it continues to happen after that... well, then we might have a problem.

It really screwed with me in the past. But, when it happens now (which is much more infrequent) I do my best to just let it roll off my back. But, there are times when it can get to me. I just get through it and move on. Whereas before, it would eat at me for literally days at a time.

The context is that I "came out" when I was a toddler. So my mother made it her mission to call me "Girl" multiple times a day daily for about 18 years. Then when I was about 20 I had a screaming match with her to make her stop when she informed me that I "loved" my "nickname".

When I started therapy in my 30s I was emotionally numb and couldn't name the emotions I was experiencing. I didn't trust my thoughts or emotions and relied on others to tell me what to do. Having been systemically gaslit about such a basic fact--my gender--I came to think that the evidence of my senses and my emotions was wrong. I had moved thousands of miles away to get away from my parents but in some way recreated the same dysfunction in microcosm in my personal life.

I'm only now on HRT recovering my sense of self and purpose in life. Pre HRT I was like a shell of a person.

Being misgendered today makes me pretty miserable. But what really damaged me was what happened throughout my childhood. Ironically, my mother is pretty abusive but I think she thought that campaign was her being a good parent. If she had a trans kid today she'd probably be all over having a special snowflake child but in the early 80s she thought gender was a blank slate and a matter of training. That's why I was allowed to engage in masculine pursuits, since feminine women who didn't like sports or tools were suffering from false consciousness so of course a girl should love those things, but I got totally shut down if I wanted to be in all boy activities.

I think the difference is it is forgivable when it is done without intent, and if a person doesn't look the part yet and no-one knows they are trans and that should not make someone doubt themselves, they are just things to understand and get over. When it's intentional and a person makes it their mission to tell you you're "crazy", and if you are unable to escape this no matter what you do then sure, there's danger of doubt, breakdown, loss of self worth etc.

This is why it is so important to make sure the ultimate and primary validation comes from within, and why it is not enough to dote upon others at the expense of yourself and your own self respect.

I'm not "full time" but I can imagine constant misgendering would be demoralising - a big part of the point in transitioning is to <match your exterior with the proper, interior> gender, so when people don't visually perceive you as such, and go as far as to vocalise it, I can imagine it's a kick.


Moderator Edit: changed a phrase so it is no longer confused with the idea of real vs fake

Absolutely.

I think for the most part people WANT to mean well, and feel bad when they've made a hurtful mistake. (I want to believe that anyways.) Part of my brain always returns to the thought that as soon as I'm out of earshot or view, if they've correctly gendered me or not, they're going to run off to giggle about me to a coworker or friend 'DID YOU SEE THAT FREAK?!'

As strong as I try to be about it, a single misgendering DOES throw my whole day, even up to a week after. I'll literally dwell on what the hell it was about me that gave it all away when in my eyes there's been nothing. So I'll start CREATING things, maybe the clothes I was wearing, maybe it's my bone structure, maybe my voice wasn't spot on that day. It's uncomfortable, and awkward, and often, it's 100% my own doubt.

All of that is on me. I think we do the most damage to our own self esteem. It takes very little prompting from others.

Sometimes it seems like people go out their way to misgender. Like, someone with long hair and makeup (sure straight cis guys can have long hair and makeup, but they wouldn't do it like a woman) and dressed effeminately obviously wishes to be seen as female, and even if you don't perceive them as a ciswoman, it's clear the wish to be perceived as such.

I dunno, sometime it just seems harsh.

I'm not out at work yet and still present "butch" female, but even with that the ma'am and "lady" irks me. I don't pass yet and most of these ppl have known e for 4+ years so I really can't complain but it does bug me. I just keep telling myself that it isn't forever and there is no way they can know and gently ask them not to Ma'am me

Yes, and that was part of my situaton on how i did a little ''de-transition'' for a while... I still hate being refered to as male in any regard.

It's all about how you look. And people don't care about the clothes, etc. it's all about faces.

This is why I currently live as an androgynous guy. After I get some FFS I'll start presenting as female.


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definitely.  especially when you've already got low confidence and the tendency to doubt yourself, having something reinforced day in and day out will eventually make you start questioning it in one way or another.  of course, after i've exhausted every question in the book from "am i really transgender or is it just an obsession?" to "does transgender even exist?", and i'm still left with the same feeling even after ruling out every other possibility i'm forced to consider, it's just that much more confirmed for me that yes, despite my doubts, this is real and it's not going anywhere.
so... constant misgendering makes me doubt myself; doubting myself makes me ask questions; asking questions makes me search deeper for answers; finding answers rules out the doubts and tells me i was right all along.  long story short, it sucks to be questioned and end up questioning yourself, but (at least for me) the cycle cancels itself out eventually.   

Quote from: meatwagon on February 28, 2017, 06:46:55 AM
definitely.  especially when you've already got low confidence and the tendency to doubt yourself, having something reinforced day in and day out will eventually make you start questioning it in one way or another.  of course, after i've exhausted every question in the book from "am i really transgender or is it just an obsession?" to "does transgender even exist?", and i'm still left with the same feeling even after ruling out every other possibility i'm forced to consider, it's just that much more confirmed for me that yes, despite my doubts, this is real and it's not going anywhere.
so... constant misgendering makes me doubt myself; doubting myself makes me ask questions; asking questions makes me search deeper for answers; finding answers rules out the doubts and tells me i was right all along.  long story short, it sucks to be questioned and end up questioning yourself, but (at least for me) the cycle cancels itself out eventually.

I honestly love you so much meatwagon, litterly so much you say I can relate to for better and of course for worse <3