Hi, so I've just joined here because I really feel like it's important to talk to others and get opinions and so I intend to post much more and find support from here. I won't go into too much detail about me because I just want to get to the point!

I have a daughter (18months) that my wife carried (her egg and donor sperm) and we are currently starting IVF with the plan to use my eggs, the same sperm donor but my wife to carry (like a surrogate) We've spoken in length about this decision and I think it all comes down to the fact that carrying a baby myself is something that feels very unnatural and just doesn't fit our already longstanding family dynamics. So that's already in the process. Cool. Two babies that are half siblings and both my wife and I have a genetic child. Perfect

So after we have our little family complete I feel like it's time to focus on myself. I've already come out to my family and friends that I am transgender. The support is amazing because it's just no shock. I've dressed and acted and just been a boy/man/husband/daddy for forever and to tell people that was kind of pointing out the obvious. Great.

Now here's where I get a bit twitchy. So looking at my life in 10years time. We have 2 children. I've transitioned after I've got my wife pregnant and to them we are mummy and daddy. How do we tell them that daddy was actually born a women. That daddy actually provided an egg for the youngest. That mummy carried our youngest but isn't genetically related. I'm just terrified of messing with their heads. But maybe I won't. Maybe they will grow up and sort of experience my transition with me. Watch a beard grow. Watch my body change. And even at a young age understand when we sit them down and explain and just see that we are a happy family full of love and that's the most important thing! I don't want it to be a secret and to hide away from them. That's awful and will never work. Especially if our second is a boy and kids ask questions!!

Anyway. Please can I hear some others opinions especially if you are ftm and have children. My main priority is my child but I just want to be happy in my own skin!! One more thing. My daughter doesn't call me daddy. I have absolutely no idea when's the best time to start teaching her to do that!!! I pass as male in public around 50% of the time just because of my height,build, haircut,clothes, body language and that I'm walking with my wife and child! But when people take time and look at me, they see I'm a women. It's awkward!!!!! Please help!

Thanks, casey

Welcome to Susan's Place. I am MTF and never have had children but I have an opinion. The conversation should wait until they are old enough to understand the bird and the bees discussion. There is no point telling them earlier but they will need to know just for medical history reasons. If a child were adopted, telling earlier with a message of love is important because sometimes the child doesn't resemble the parents. In this case, they will know about you and the only question will be where did the egg come from.

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I am with Dena on this one. There is quite a while before it needs to be known. Yes, the medical info will need to be there, eventually. Truth be told, my three could care less about the specific details of medical papers. My oldest is 18 and is now a little more interested.

Ultimately, it's up to you. How important to you is it that they know earlier than 10 or 11?

Good luck.

With warmth,

Joanna

Casey

Like Dena I am not FTM. But I do have two children, since they were about three my wife and I included the kids in all our decisions. We encouraged their participation and never made it seem like we were pandering. My kids knew early on that I was a crack user. Not quite an addict but I was on the road to it. They also knew Dad had cheated on Mom. Then Dad found his higher power and it's not who you think. My higher power is my children. I quit doing drugs about 28 years ago. Stopped smoking. Stopped drinking. I have my kids to thank for that. Children are a lot smarter than we give them credit for and they usually give honest feedback, if they see you are being honest with them. My Brother adopted his Son, you may have seen on 60 minutes about 27 years ago that a woman in Maryland had exchanged her son for crack. Well Joe was the kid. Now he is in the military in Afghanistan, and just now finding out that the guy he thought was his Dad all his life was not his Dad.  He has enough on his plate fighting for our freedom to be wondering where his real parents are. If they don't understand, what do you have to lose. If they do, you will have their love and respect forever and I can testify, it is the best feeling ever.

<3  Dawn

Be honest with them but don't give more information than they are ready for. Take your cues from them. My friend's 4 year old already has questions about their  sperm donor so they may want to know sooner than you think. It will totally depend on the child.

I'm FTM but haven't transitioned (yet). My husband is no longer even remotely supportive and freaks out if I mention my gender. As such, I'm not out to my kids though they both know that I'm very masculine and act like a guy... My 7 year old has a very instinctive understanding that gender is not the simple thing that most cis people think. I'm not terribly worried about coming out to him. My 4 year old is a different story. 

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Thank you, I'm sorry to hear about your husband. I think from everyone's advice that I'll take my cues from my child. But it won't be a secret that I break to them when they turn 18! I'm not into the drama and they don't deserve to have that shock. I'm sure everything will become clearer as time goes on. My nephew asked me if I was a boy or a girl the other day... he is 5. It's surprising how young the questions start coming out their mouths!

Thanks, Casey

There was a thread about children asking members what gender they were. When asked if they were a boy or a girl, one member responded yes. Another asked the child what they thought and why. They then agreed with the child. When they are that young, it's more curiosity because they are learning what gender is and they don't have all the rules down. Unfortunately if you are going to be outed in public, most likely a child will do it with a loud voice.