Hello all I'm going to share something iv been writing for a while now because I find it hard to remember on the spot and not forget any details I'd like to hear an input on what you think of the following to be transgender or is it some forum of OCD iv forged? Iv had Doubts about my identity being valid as a male ever since 16 years of age am 20 years old now and recently have had OCD thoughts about not being transgender since I found a guy who loves me for me and it makes me fear losing him because If I'm not really trans crazy I know

Validation Of Gender-Identity

* Have always went to the toilet sitting down
* Have never liked attention being drawn to any masculine features, a memory stands out particularly of my father saying how my shoulders are looking wider.. I remember feel un easy about this remark
* In primary school and secondary school I never got changed with other boys I would use other rooms or cubicles alone to get changed or not go into school on those days of PE or swimming lessons
* Among boys I always felt like I would be sarcastic about how guys go on and almost see myself outside as if I wasn't one of them and say why do men do / behave in this manner even though I myself was a male
* Always seen femininity as beautiful and masculinity as not in terms of my own self expression to dress male to me makes me feel like a block of wood but feminine attire makes me feel elegant and full of movement and charisma
* When speaking to people I have always raised my voice an octave even when trying to present as male this would be even more apparent if I was attracted to someone or had alcohol in my system
* When I first masturbated I didn't do it with my hand I would squeeze my penis between my legs in order to climax this continued for quite some time
* I would always feel uncomfortable with being labelled a man... boy was barely tolerable but man seemed to be alien
* Used to always enjoy when people would wonder if I was a man or a woman or gendered me as female
* Have been wearing feminine clothing and make up since young teen years has always been a way of expressing myself very different from other people of my biological sex
* I don't have an attachment to my current genitals they are just there I will use them whilst they are for pleasure but would much rather have female genitalia then male
* Feel dysphoria about features of my face that appear to be masculine and things like hands feet and shoulders in mirrors make me uncomfortable ( genitals aren't a huge deal to me although I would have SRS due to my preference of genitalia and how medical transition will more then likely make me not want to have male genitals even further as everything else changes and that remains
* Would always be a female in any virtual world I would play online be it social online or gaming online I would always play as a female character or have a female gender on my profiler or avatar if I didn't play as a female character I would feel disconnected from the experience
* When I picture me in my head it's never a male person always female or when I think of myself listening to music always female
* When I picture growing old I am comfortable with being an older woman but very un easy about being an old man
* Photos I appear masculine in make me uncomfortable also applies to ID photos
* When wearing a towel out of the shower or bath iv always had it wrapped as high as my chest area as if I always felt I had something to hide there even though I didn't have breasts
* People would mistake me for female and I would enjoy that they would insult me about my appearance saying I look like a girl but weren't aware I was actually taking that as a compliment not insult

Reasons why I should transition
* More authentic me and life style
* For comfort in who I am and how the world perceives me
* To finally feel alive and not just like I'm floating through weeks months and years just sort of here but not at the same time
* Idea of being a male with another male never sat correctly with me I never fitted in with those people and would try and change myself for acceptance from other homosexual men trying to force myself to be perceived as male and masculine but this never worked
* To feel comfortable in my own skin and beautiful when I look in the mirror not having to be uncomfortable seeing things about myself that I don't like
* To be treated as a female
* To match my inner core self as of now I feel like I'm an imposter portraying a role
Have only ever felt truly alive when I would be perceived as female

Doubts regarding transition ?
* Does it count as gender dysphoria when it only occurs when you consider transitioning and living as a female?
* Recently have obsessive thoughts Since I started dating a guy who sees me for me and worry if I'm not transgender I'll lose him since that's what he knows me as purely OCD fear ?
* Not exactly disturbed or caused great pain by my current genitals but would want SRS for social reasons and for " completion " and validation of my identity
* He/ him never bothered me until I came out as transgender but Sir and being expected to do man things felt odd
Uncategorised
* Have been aware that I may be transgender ever since 16 years old discovering it on YouTube and a huge moment of happiness came over me I kept smiling and clicked with this discovery it didn't feel scary or alien it seemed almost familiar
* Have went back and forth on the idea of medically transitioning going from stating I am to I'm not transgender but it would always re occur eventually I think mainly the reason I didn't want to go through it was worried about the result and cost of what I want from transition every woman wants to before then just a woman after all what use is a vagina when the world still sees that you don't even have that even if u do or you look "odd"
* I definitely want to look a certain way and do plan on full facial feminisation surgery and breast augmentation with SRS being a final step but not the most important one, only socially is an important one but not as much as hrt or ffs

It sure sounds to my un-expert opinion like you probably are somewhere on the transgender spectrum.  The best way to find out would be to see a gender therapist. 

What Kathy said.

Quote from: FuschiaLipstick on December 17, 2016, 04:10:21 PM
* Recently have obsessive thoughts Since I started dating a guy who sees me for me and worry if I'm not transgender I'll lose him since that's what he knows me as purely OCD fear ?

Everyone fears losing someone they feel connected to. It is possible that if he is exclusively attracted to men then he may not be that into you if you transition - this is pretty common but not always - if he is bi or pan then maybe he will be into you still. The only way to know how a relationship might work out is to talk with him about it.

In my layperson's opinion, yeah, you have gender dysphoria big time.  It isn't just depression, but all the behaviors that indicate you are unhappy being in a male body.  Remember, the psychiatric definition of 'dysphoria' is a "state of unease or generalized dissatisfaction with life.  The opposite of euphoria"

I learned in therapy that something really common exists with transgender persons.  We worry so much about being 'found out' that we generalize the fear of discovery even to things we don't have hidden, such as our professional skills, or even openly declaring ourselves to be transgender persons. 

It's often called "imposter syndrome", and when bitten by it we consider ourselves to be frauds.  I had this, around my professional life, and around being a 'real' transgender person.  It still bites me sometimes, triggering the old dysphoria, when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror getting out of the shower and the unwanted thought surfaces that I'm not a 'real' transwoman, just some bald old freak. (Thank you, Monsignor...)

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Impostor_syndrome




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Your list of things, Validations, Reasons, Doubts, is way more than my list but still similar.  As others have suggested, seek professional advice. 

As someone who is not trained but in the midst of transition I see a lot of me in those statements.  One comment I see here on this site a lot for people who ask "Am I trans enough" the response is typically:

    If you thing you are, then you probably are.

CIS individually typically never think about their gender. 

In my opinion: welcome to the club.  We'll pass along the secret hand-shake later.

I should of course that I am in no way a professional, but you describe MANY shared similarities with my own experience throughout my life prior to transition. As others suggest, it looks like seeking professional care from a gender therapist may help you come to terms with what you are experiencing.