Hi! As some of you know, I came out as a mtf transgender a few weeks ago.
   It felt so good after sharing my thoughts here. I have another dark secret which I want to share.
        I haven't spoken about this to anyone, not even to my therapist. I just don't feel like hiding it anymore.
      I don't know if this is the right place to talk about this, most probably this will get moderated.
     
      I must have been 5-6 yrs old. Maybe, 7 yrs but not older than that. That time of my life is like a blur to me.
      I remember I was in my parents' bedroom, I remember it like yesterday. I remember the colour of the bedsheet, it had a kind of floral pattern, blue coloured.
     I remember how it smelt in that room on that day. My parents weren't home.
     There was someone with me, a female. I don't remember who it was, or maybe, I don't want to remember. But, I know, it was someone my parents trusted, because they won't leave me like that with an unknown person.
       That woman made me do some very bad things, something no child should ever face. I remember the bad taste in my mouth, my tongue had travelled all over her body. I am ashamed of myself, I am filled with regret, I am filled with self-hatred.
       I don't know, why I didn't say anything. I didn't resist, I completely trusted that person. I thought this was something normal.
      I have never told my parents about it, I don't know how they will react.
       
      I don't remember how long it went on, or whether it was just that one time. I don't remember who it was. I don't remember how she looked. I do remember the bitter taste in my mouth. I remember brushing my teeth multiple times after that.

      I don't know if I should talk about this with my therapist. I don't even know if this is somehow related with my gender issues.
I checked some online resources, some online support groups, and everyone there is sure that what I went through constitutes as sexual abuse.
      Some of the facts that validate my claims of being sexually abused as a child are as follows:-
1) I hate when someone touches me. I feel very uneasy.
2) I feel very uncomfortable removing my t shirt infront of my friends( It maybe just gender dysphoria)
3) I am scared of the dark, even today. I am 21 yrs old.
4) I am very submissive.
5) I have tried various forms of self-hurt.
    There are many more like this.

I have lived with this burden all my life. I want to unburden myself. All suggestions are welcome.( if this gets through the moderators.)

Saira,

There is nothing for you to be the slightest ashamed of.

I know of many of us who have suffered childhood abuse, rape and violence.

I have.

Yes, I did in the end tell my therapist and to be honest it was the only reason I had any need of therapy for my gender identity. I needed help to overcome the PTSD from my abuse.

I needed a way to cope and once I found that way, with the help of my therapist, and my friends here, life became a damn sight more clear and lovely.

Never feel there is any restriction in talking about abuse you have suffered, and if you wish to talk privately to myself or anyone feel free to do so.

May I wrap my skinny arms around you and give you a big hug. There is nothing to be ashamed pf my sister. Be at peace, you are with your real family now.

Love

Cindy

I'm sorry you had to go through that Saira! :/ some sick people in this world.
I too went through some form of sexual abuse as a child, as did my brothers.
It was a family friend, who continues to come to the house to this day, he is odd. We never said anything for ages
He would try touch you in the crotch area, your legs, show us porn long before we knew about any of that!
Eventually the youngest told dad, I duno did he ever do anything about as he still comes to the house, he is a sick sick man and unfortunetly has children. Something really should be done but you feel so weird about it.
I too detest being touched by randomers, especially men I don't know.

According to the US Dept of Justice, 1 in 6 boys and 1 in 4 girls have been sexually abused by the age of 18.

I was sexually abused by the gynecologist on my first visit, at 15. I protested and fought back but both the doctor and his nurse said it was a routine exam (it wasn't). I told my mom what happened and she just looked frightened and didn't answer. I was confused and decided it must have been OK, but I was furious.

My mom said, many years later, she didn't know what to do, the man was a close relative, and wealthy.

So once I had my own children (I had both AT HOME, to avoid doctors), and realized the exam had NOT been routine, I filed a complaint with the AMA against him.

Quote from: ChristineRachel on December 18, 2016, 03:48:36 AM
I'm sorry you had to go through that Saira! :/ some sick people in this world.
I too went through some form of sexual abuse as a child, as did my brothers.
It was a family friend, who continues to come to the house to this day, he is odd. We never said anything for ages
He would try touch you in the crotch area, your legs, show us porn long before we knew about any of that!
Eventually the youngest told dad, I duno did he ever do anything about as he still comes to the house, he is a sick sick man and unfortunetly has children. Something really should be done but you feel so weird about it.
I too detest being touched by randomers, especially men I don't know.

I remember being forced to do some things which no one should ever have to do. I was just 6 yrs old. I didn't know anything about sex, I was just confused.
    I feel so violated.
    I don't really try hard to find out who it was. I am afraid, it would be someone I deeply love.

Quote from: Cindy on December 18, 2016, 03:37:29 AM
Saira,

There is nothing for you to be the slightest ashamed of.

I know of many of us who have suffered childhood abuse, rape and violence.

I have.

Yes, I did in the end tell my therapist and to be honest it was the only reason I had any need of therapy for my gender identity. I needed help to overcome the PTSD from my abuse.

I needed a way to cope and once I found that way, with the help of my therapist, and my friends here, life became a damn sight more clear and lovely.

Never feel there is any restriction in talking about abuse you have suffered, and if you wish to talk privately to myself or anyone feel free to do so.

May I wrap my skinny arms around you and give you a big hug. There is nothing to be ashamed pf my sister. Be at peace, you are with your real family now.

Love

Cindy

Thank you so much Cindy. I feel very welcome in this family of mine.
     I know I didn't do anything wrong. But, I still feel very uncomfortable talking about it. I know I shouldn't be ashamed of it, but I can't help it.
      I have kept it repressed for so many years, it feels weird to talk about it.

Thank you for believing me. I don't think my parents will.

Its not fair Saira, you must try not to worry about it.
It is no reflection on who you are! Just the sad twisted world we live in!

Quote from: ChristineRachel on December 18, 2016, 03:58:48 AM
Its not fair Saira, you must try not to worry about it.
It is no reflection on who you are! Just the sad twisted world we live in!

You have a very beautiful heart. Unfortunately, everyone doesn't.
     I'll talk about it to my therapist.
  Thank you so much Christine.

Quote from: Raell on December 18, 2016, 03:49:28 AM
According to the US Dept of Justice, 1 in 6 boys and 1 in 4 girls have been sexually abused by the age of 18.

I was sexually abused by the gynecologist on my first visit, at 15. I protested and fought back but both the doctor and his nurse said it was a routine exam (it wasn't). I told my mom what happened and she just looked frightened and didn't answer. I was confused and decided it must have been OK, but I was furious.

My mom said, many years later, she didn't know what to do, the man was a close relative, and wealthy.

So once I had my own children (I had both AT HOME, to avoid doctors), and realized the exam had NOT been routine, I filed a complaint with the AMA against him.

I'm so sorry to hear what you experienced. 1 in 6 and 1 in 4? Really? Thats just a crazy stat.
     How can people be so cruel?

    I don't know what the statistics are like in India. I'm sure it will be similar to that of the US.
   

Quote from: Saira128 on December 18, 2016, 03:25:04 AM
       Hi! As some of you know, I came out as a mtf transgender a few weeks ago.
   It felt so good after sharing my thoughts here. I have another dark secret which I want to share.
        I haven't spoken about this to anyone, not even to my therapist. I just don't feel like hiding it anymore.
      I don't know if this is the right place to talk about this, most probably this will get moderated.
     
      I must have been 5-6 yrs old. Maybe, 7 yrs but not older than that. That time of my life is like a blur to me.
      I remember I was in my parents' bedroom, I remember it like yesterday. I remember the colour of the bedsheet, it had a kind of floral pattern, blue coloured.
     I remember how it smelt in that room on that day. My parents weren't home.
     There was someone with me, a female. I don't remember who it was, or maybe, I don't want to remember. But, I know, it was someone my parents trusted, because they won't leave me like that with an unknown person.
       That woman made me do some very bad things, something no child should ever face. I remember the bad taste in my mouth, my tongue had travelled all over her body. I am ashamed of myself, I am filled with regret, I am filled with self-hatred.
       I don't know, why I didn't say anything. I didn't resist, I completely trusted that person. I thought this was something normal.
      I have never told my parents about it, I don't know how they will react.
       
      I don't remember how long it went on, or whether it was just that one time. I don't remember who it was. I don't remember how she looked. I do remember the bitter taste in my mouth. I remember brushing my teeth multiple times after that.

      I don't know if I should talk about this with my therapist. I don't even know if this is somehow related with my gender issues.
I checked some online resources, some online support groups, and everyone there is sure that what I went through constitutes as sexual abuse.
      Some of the facts that validate my claims of being sexually abused as a child are as follows:-
1) I hate when someone touches me. I feel very uneasy.
2) I feel very uncomfortable removing my t shirt infront of my friends( It maybe just gender dysphoria)
3) I am scared of the dark, even today. I am 21 yrs old.
4) I am very submissive.
5) I have tried various forms of self-hurt.
    There are many more like this.

I have lived with this burden all my life. I want to unburden myself. All suggestions are welcome.( if this gets through the moderators.)

I was abused at about the age of 10 or 11 for about an ongoing 6 month period. This played havoc with me for many ,many years and I blamed it for all my trans feelings (despite my first thoughts that I was a girl at about 5)...I ended up speaking to an excellent therapist for about 18 months and worked my way through a heap of issues and guess what...still trans...I think in the end I convinced myself that if I worked through my child abuse my desire to be trans would "evaporate" so I did that looking for a "cure"...nope that didn't work.

I think it is well worthwhile speaking to your therapist if you are comfortable doing that. Being abused is no light weight issue. Child abuse left huge scars on me...they don't hurt like they used to and I very rarely think about them. I still have the memories but they no longer have the ability to paralyse me or help rush me headlong into a bottle. They have no power in my life. Take this for yourself...take back the power...feel free to PM if you would rather

Take care Hugs

Liz

Quote from: ElizabethK on December 18, 2016, 04:06:48 AM
I was abused at about the age of 10 or 11 for about an ongoing 6 month period. This played havoc with me for many ,many years and I blamed it for all my trans feelings (despite my first thoughts that I was a girl at about 5)...I ended up speaking to an excellent therapist for about 18 months and worked my way through a heap of issues and guess what...still trans...I think in the end I convinced myself that if I worked through my child abuse my desire to be trans would "evaporate" so I did that looking for a "cure"...nope that didn't work.

I think it is well worthwhile speaking to your therapist if you are comfortable doing that. Being abused is no light weight issue. Child abuse left huge scars on me...they don't hurt like they used to and I very rarely think about them. I still have the memories but they no longer have the ability to paralyse me or help rush me headlong into a bottle. They have no power in my life.

Take care

Liz

Thank you Elizabeth.
    I have no doubts about being trans. I know, I'll always be a woman at heart, abuse or no abuse.
     I want to talk to my therapist, but I don't know how to open the conversation with him.

I too suffered abuse in childhood and it is a struggle to cope with decades later. I am in therapy for this, and other, issues. You are not alone.

Please review what happened with your therapist.

There are different therapeutic approaches to help you face what happened.

The feelings of being dirty and doing things very wrong and guilt do not go away without facing the events and addressing what happened.

[hugs]

That's all I can do right now. As the product of a narcissist and an alcoholic (not the same parent btw), all I can offer is support.

[hugs]

It's not your fault, and please don't let the victim-blaming lies into your thoughts. We are here

[hugs]

Rowan

You poor thing.. 

I was also sexually assaulted at pretty much the same age.
I was maybe 5 or 6 years old she was probably 12-14 when it began. Her parents had moved in across the street and fast became 'best friends' with my parents, so as expected the 'children had to be friends and play together.' This eventually led to her wanting to always 'play house.' My brother would have to 'live next door' (In his own room) and leave the two of us alone as the 'married couple' and she would abuse me in every way imaginable. I couldn't tell anyone about it, her parents were my parents best friends. I didn't think anyone would believe me. Anyone I DID tell (the other boys at school) would tease me and call me homophobic slurs because 'shes hot, whats wrong with you? why don't you like it?!' This went on almost daily or nightly or both for many years until I was about 11 or 12.

I've seen her around a couple times since, and I just feel sick and want to curl up into a ball and die. We talk about it a fair bit, my therapist and I. I often wonder if I could do anything about it now, if it would do any good? I mean, we were both underage, would I even stand a chance in court? Being born male, would she be able to flip it around on me somehow? (Chances are she'd not only be able to but she'd get away with it too. From what I read about teachers assaulting male students, they get off super light..)

Have you considered hypnotism to maybe uncover the identity of this person? A former babysitter? Family friend?

Quote from: Daria67 on December 18, 2016, 12:48:17 PM
I too suffered abuse in childhood and it is a struggle to cope with decades later. I am in therapy for this, and other, issues. You are not alone.

Thank you Daria.

Quote from: Rachel Lynn on December 18, 2016, 01:24:52 PM
Please review what happened with your therapist.

There are different therapeutic approaches to help you face what happened.

The feelings of being dirty and doing things very wrong and guilt do not go away without facing the events and addressing what happened.

I continuously feel bad about what I did. I should, right?
I want to talk to my therapist.
       I can't stand anyone touching me, not even my parents. For me, even going out for a haircut is stressful. I have a no-touch rule for barbers.
     

Quote from: Sno on December 18, 2016, 02:31:34 PM
[hugs]

That's all I can do right now. As the product of a narcissist and an alcoholic (not the same parent btw), all I can offer is support.

[hugs]

It's not your fault, and please don't let the victim-blaming lies into your thoughts. We are here

[hugs]

Rowan

Thank you so much. I try not to think about it, I try to mostly repress the ->-bleeped-<- out of it, but it keeps coming back.
    I think, it will get better after talking to a therapist.
    I'm sorry about your parents.

Love and hugs,
Saira.

Quote from: Angela Drakken on December 18, 2016, 03:27:33 PM
You poor thing.. 

I was also sexually assaulted at pretty much the same age.
I was maybe 5 or 6 years old she was probably 12-14 when it began. Her parents had moved in across the street and fast became 'best friends' with my parents, so as expected the 'children had to be friends and play together.' This eventually led to her wanting to always 'play house.' My brother would have to 'live next door' (In his own room) and leave the two of us alone as the 'married couple' and she would abuse me in every way imaginable. I couldn't tell anyone about it, her parents were my parents best friends. I didn't think anyone would believe me. Anyone I DID tell (the other boys at school) would tease me and call me homophobic slurs because 'shes hot, whats wrong with you? why don't you like it?!' This went on almost daily or nightly or both for many years until I was about 11 or 12.

I've seen her around a couple times since, and I just feel sick and want to curl up into a ball and die. We talk about it a fair bit, my therapist and I. I often wonder if I could do anything about it now, if it would do any good? I mean, we were both underage, would I even stand a chance in court? Being born male, would she be able to flip it around on me somehow? (Chances are she'd not only be able to but she'd get away with it too. From what I read about teachers assaulting male students, they get off super light..)

Have you considered hypnotism to maybe uncover the identity of this person? A former babysitter? Family friend?

Oh honey, I'm so sorry you had to go through that.
      I don't really know, if I can bear to find out who it was. What if it turns out to be someone I know? Someone I love? That would kill me.
      I guess, I have an idea who it was, but no, it can't be.
      I read your answer to some other question where you wrote about your abuse. I am so sorry for you. Can I hug you?

      Angela, I have lived all my life scared. In my group of friends, I was always the awkward one. I was always the misfit. I don't know if I have it in me to stand for myself, I feel so weak inside.
   
       I would really love a hug right now. Makes me feel loved.

       Good night, I'll hug myself to sleep.

Love,
Saira.

Quote from: Saira128 on December 18, 2016, 03:58:36 PM
       I continuously feel bad about what I did. I should, right?
I want to talk to my therapist.
           

You did nothing...you are the victim, the adult has the power in this situation not the child...The adult perpetrated this upon the child...

You are not to blame and you have no blame in this at all.

Hugs
Liz