Hi everyone,

I have over the last year discovered that i'm Trans (i'm not 100% sure but i'm leaning towards FTM) I had trouble accepting it, not because I had a problem with transgender people but because it seemed so strange the thought that I was one of them I still have doubts and lots of reservations but I cant deny that I so badly want to be a guy in all parts of my life, so much so that its making me depressed.

I want to physically be a guy be seen as a guy, I want my hips to leave, I want my fat to not go to my hips and boobs, I want top surgery, I want to have a male sex role, I want to be in a relationship as a guy, I want my face to be less round and more angular. But I know that I will never actually be biologically male no matter how much I want it or try to change it and that its going to make everything in my life harder, like getting a job or having relationships etc. I don't want to be like this I just want it to go away but at the same time if I stopped feeling like this and was happy being a girl I feel as if I would be disappointed as I want to be a guy. Im 17 I feel like i'm waisting the best years of my life the ones where I can experience things that teenagers experience and I want to experience them as a guy but I cant, I already feel like i waisted most of my childhood being a girl and i wish i could go back and do it again as a boy, I wish i figured it out sooner & I don't want to waist the rest of it. I probably wont be able to get surgery or go on hormones etc. for many years to come. I just feel like what I want will never happen and that my desire is unattainable I feel like Im wishing for something that will never happen and Its extremely depressing I feel stuck. All of this and other things in my life (such as my dad not getting & understanding and stopping me transitioning socially at school and home because he thinks i'm wrong) are really dragging down my mood and making me even more cynical, bitter and negative than I already was, the fact that I have diagnosed depression and anxiety disorders and multiple chronic physical disorders and issues doesn't help.

Sorry for the rant I needed to vent I just feel like my life and future are not really going anywhere and that i'm going to be disappointed

I knew at 13. I was 23 when I started treatment. Because treatment was pretty primitive, I didn't complete my transition and have surgery until I was 30. Do I regret missing many of the things I could have enjoyed all those years - Yes. Do I waste the great future by spending time thinking about what could have been - No. If you are to enjoy the great gift of freedom from dysphoria, you need to put the past in it's place as a bad memory. You then have to start living in and enjoying the future. You have so much more to look forward to, you are starting so much earlier than me and you could see the end of the transgender journey much sooner than I did.

You have made a step closer to your goal by finding this site. Someday you will start testosterone, within a couple of years, you will be identified as male and then it will only  be a matter of any remaining surgery. The future is bright for you so look at that instead of a gloomy past.

Well you have to accept that your idealized version of yourself (physical self) would never exist and it doesn't exist for most people, cis or otherwise. But those physical things you mention are in fact attainable if you are willing to work for them.

Life will be "harder" but if you are actually trans it was destined never to be as easy as it is for cis anyway. That's just the nature of it. It doesn't mean you will never find a good relationship, etc. it doesn't even mean you can't have kids and do all the other regular things people do.

You will never have your childhood back to be replayed as you would like it but then neither will I and neither will anyone else here.

In my experience it really comes down to a simple choice which is already loaded. Do you live your life knowing it will always be like this, or do you take the risks and potentially become the person you want to be. Do you live and die with regret that you did nothing about it or do you make sure there will be nothing you regret not having done in later life. There is no guarantee of pure happiness down the line, either way. There is just do you act, do you fight for it, or do you sit back and watch it all slide away. At least that is how I have always looked at life, and which is why I'll do whatever to make sure I don't regret not having done something to at least see if I can have a better life. Maybe I'll be wrong and maybe my life will be ridiculously hard from here on in.... but at least I will know I was true to myself.

If you are not sure yet you may need more time.

But if it is true that you have this condition, most people say it never goes away. If you don't do something about it, it may never stop haunting you.

Ill respond here since this discussion is relevant to me

******WARNING:  Possibly Dispiriting / Disheartening Thoughts Ahead*******

QuoteIn my experience it really comes down to a simple choice which is already loaded. Do you live your life knowing it will always be like this, or do you take the risks and potentially become the person you want to be. Do you live and die with regret that you did nothing about it or do you make sure there will be nothing you regret not having done in later life. There is no guarantee of pure happiness down the line, either way. There is just do you act, do you fight for it, or do you sit back and watch it all slide away. At least that is how I have always looked at life, and which is why I'll do whatever to make sure I don't regret not having done something to at least see if I can have a better life. Maybe I'll be wrong and maybe my life will be ridiculously hard from here on in.... but at least I will know I was true to myself.

Very interesting to think about but for me it has been as well:  What's my life goal?  This is a harsh world, and being transgender could make it extra hard to survive in this world, is gender expression worth more than survival?  Am I willing to live with the limits on freedom to go around this world because I am transgender and/or present as a woman?    I want to do big things in this world, which require making tons of connections and friends, and which might be a lot harder to do (if not impossible) if seen as transgender (and even as a woman), am I willing to live with losing that opportunity in life?  I have to admit, as feminine as I've been somewhat blessed to feel, a part of me always comes in and makes me feel like:  "What are you doing?  You can act and feel masculine enough to pass as male in this world and not have to deal with the hardships and disadvantages there are in being transgender and being a woman.  This wanting to be female is just a foolish wish."  If I didn't perceive the world as so cruel and dangerous, maybe I wouldn't think twice.  American culture puts an emphasis on happiness, but in other cultures that isn't even a priority.

Please note though that I don't have a one sided experience with my gender issues, I've felt satisfactory at times with feeling masculine and acting masculine.  In my heart, I've wanted to be female and feel female but have lacked the conviction enough to be able to risk everything in order to transition.  My mind makes me feel at times like I haven't tried enough to be male, that this is just a "grass is greener on the other side" issue.

QuoteIf you are not sure yet you may need more time.

I've spent nine years trying to figure out myself and have only made slow progress.  I would say though that I have OCD which loves to put doubts in my mind if I'm not confident about something.

QuoteBut if it is true that you have this condition, most people say it never goes away. If you don't do something about it, it may never stop haunting you.

For me, I just see being in this world as transgender as very dangerous and limiting, especially since the western world is deteriorating and going the way of the far right, and that you are stepping into a very unpredictable world, with consequences being homelessness, a ruined life, and death (especially if you aren't established in a good trans-friendly career.)

For me it comes down to not knowing how long I will live, and wanting all of it to be as decent an experience as possible. My life has never felt good, it's felt broken. I don't feel like I have much of a future but I learned to live with it; now I know I can act, do I want more? Hell yes. I want as much experience as I can get, preferably better ones than in the past. This is how bad it is - that it really won't matter if I do this, because everything's pretty far gone as it is. Literally feels like nothing to lose by doing it. That's why I have so few problems about it and almost no self-doubt. There is no-one to criticize it left that I care about.

The world is dangerous for everyone - I've lost friends, relatives, to different things... it'll never be "safe". Just have to take your shot and go for it.

I think being trans is an elixir from the Gods .