I guess I don't relate to the passive victim, protect the abuser mode that most children seem to have.

I suppose it's from being transmale, but anyone who even attempted to bother me was going to get hurt.

Even when I was in doubt if I'd been sexually assaulted or just had a pelvic exam I certainly discussed what happened with my sisters. One sister wasn't molested because she was on her period, so she went on to believe in and trust doctors and actually became a nurse. My other sister got the same treatment as I had, and both of us dumped Western medical thought and turned to alternate, preventative, natural health practices.










Moderator Edit: Removed part that felt like victim blaming.

While I may hence never been abused sexually, my history contains more than enough instances of severe abuse. For me, foster care was a blessing. My therapists have been amazed that I have overcome the psychological damage caused to me. Well ... most of it, anyway.

Just know that you are not alone, and you did nothing to cause it.

Saira,
       You are not alone, and much of what you experience is similar to what others who have suffered such abuse have experienced.

       Something happened when I was 5 in a preschool bathroom. It was so horrible that we blocked it out of our memory and refused to use the bathroom there even if it meant pooping in our pants. For over 45 years, we felt the shame and feelings that all the bad things that happened to our family and ourself happened because we were created bad, but never really knew why. When we were a teenager, these feelings combined with living with an abusive father (only emotional/psychological and not physically violent that we remember, but we cannot complete be sure we are not blocking out memories of that time as well). We seriously considered killing ourself lots of times during that period.

We were afraid of the dark as well and had nightmares of evil things chasing us and trying to eat us into our 50's when we finally started facing up to things in therapy. In the dreams, we would try to say no, but could only moan. We learned how we survived the traumatic things we lived through when we were 5-6 and also in our teens by hiding parts of ourself away very deeply both to not feel the terrible feelings and to protect those parts of ourself. The little boy stuck at 5 or 6 has the memories of what happened then, but does not want to remember them. Even feeling the emotions without remembering can trigger a sense of panic. He was able to draw some things of what happened, of being touched in places he should not have been and being forced to do things with his mouth, then something violent happening while being told how he would hurt our family if he told anyone. It took months after drawing those pictures for our therapist before we could being to forgive ourself and see how powerless that little boy was.

Then, little things started making sense like how we avoided public restrooms if at all possible for decades. Or why we did everything we could to get out of gym to avoid changing being undressed in front of people. Even things like a visceral disgust at mayonaise, mustard, and other things of similar consistency and texture likely come from associations with what happened. It took many years of being away from our family, loving support from friends, stumbling into a church that focuses on loving instead of judging before we could come out of shell enough to being to heal.

Keeping things secret only feeds the shame. Talk to your therapist about what happened. Draw pictures if you cannot find the words. Remember that you are not alone.

Quote from: Amanda500 on December 19, 2016, 09:23:01 PM
Saira,
       You are not alone, and much of what you experience is similar to what others who have suffered such abuse have experienced.

       Something happened when I was 5 in a preschool bathroom. It was so horrible that we blocked it out of our memory and refused to use the bathroom there even if it meant pooping in our pants. For over 45 years, we felt the shame and feelings that all the bad things that happened to our family and ourself happened because we were created bad, but never really knew why. When we were a teenager, these feelings combined with living with an abusive father (only emotional/psychological and not physically violent that we remember, but we cannot complete be sure we are not blocking out memories of that time as well). We seriously considered killing ourself lots of times during that period.

We were afraid of the dark as well and had nightmares of evil things chasing us and trying to eat us into our 50's when we finally started facing up to things in therapy. In the dreams, we would try to say no, but could only moan. We learned how we survived the traumatic things we lived through when we were 5-6 and also in our teens by hiding parts of ourself away very deeply both to not feel the terrible feelings and to protect those parts of ourself. The little boy stuck at 5 or 6 has the memories of what happened then, but does not want to remember them. Even feeling the emotions without remembering can trigger a sense of panic. He was able to draw some things of what happened, of being touched in places he should not have been and being forced to do things with his mouth, then something violent happening while being told how he would hurt our family if he told anyone. It took months after drawing those pictures for our therapist before we could being to forgive ourself and see how powerless that little boy was.

Then, little things started making sense like how we avoided public restrooms if at all possible for decades. Or why we did everything we could to get out of gym to avoid changing being undressed in front of people. Even things like a visceral disgust at mayonaise, mustard, and other things of similar consistency and texture likely come from associations with what happened. It took many years of being away from our family, loving support from friends, stumbling into a church that focuses on loving instead of judging before we could come out of shell enough to being to heal.

Keeping things secret only feeds the shame. Talk to your therapist about what happened. Draw pictures if you cannot find the words. Remember that you are not alone.

My room partner says that I talk in my sleep. I continuously keep on repeating No, No, Please, No.
   Maybe, its related to my abuse.
   
     I know that feeling of having to undress in public. I have never felt comfortable doing so.
When I was in my 1st year of Med school, we had Physiology clinics. One large part of physiology clinics is "Clinical Physiology".
Our teacher used to make one boy in each group remove their shirt, and the rest of the group had to use him as a test subject for practising various techniques. There was a lot of touching involved.
     I remember that day was very traumatic for me. I don't know what I am trying to hide, I just don't feel comfortable being touched, especially in the abdomen region and below my waist.

    What you had to go through was so bad. I am so sorry. It feels nice to talk to you.
     I don't know, how I will talk to my therapist about this. I don't want my parents to know anything about it, I don't want them to feel bad.
Is it possible to just erase that particular memory from my mind?

Love,
Saira.

Quote from: Lady Sarah on December 19, 2016, 04:59:01 PM
While I may hence never been abused sexually, my history contains more than enough instances of severe abuse. For me, foster care was a blessing. My therapists have been amazed that I have overcome the psychological damage caused to me. Well ... most of it, anyway.

Just know that you are not alone, and you did nothing to cause it.

Thank you Sarah.

"Even things like a visceral disgust at mayonaise, mustard, and other things of similar consistency and texture likely come from associations with what happened"

Hi Amanda

This particular line along with a few others you wrote stuck in my mind. I have never been able to look at what used to be a well know hand lotion (back in the day) without it invoking incredible amounts of anxiety...I used to see it everywhere because it was so common...everyone had some at home and it used to invoke the most awful terror in me. I haven't seen a bottle of the stuff in about 15 years...last place was my when I was back for my Grandmother's Funeral and everyone just thought I was highly distressed due to her death when I suddenly became emotional.

When I think about it, this is just one example of how I modified my life to accommodate being able to deal with the abuse.

LIz

Thank your for your kind thoughts, Sarai.

One thing we have learned through our therapist is that with trauma, the memories get locked into the body and are particularly hard to dislodge. In doing physical therapy for a back/shoulder injury, we did an exercise of rolling around on a firm rubber ball to loosen the muscles. When it hit a particular area in one shoulder, it would trigger some of the feelings of shame, helplessness, and being utterly alone, bringing the Little One to the front saying "I'm so scared" over and over and crying. In counseling, we are working on diffusing the emotions rather than trying to take them head on. Since things happened when we were so young, we do a lot of things at a non-rational level through drawing,  play, and story telling.

This interview gives some insight into the physical/pychological connections and some things that are helping people.

http://www.onbeing.org/program/restoring-the-body-bessel-van-der-kolk-on-yoga-emdr-and-treating-trauma/5801

You do not need to tell your parents until you are ready to. We have not told our mother yet for much of the same reason you have not told your parents. The only people in our real life that know are our wife, therapist, and one of the pastors at our church. But, telling someone helps break the power of shame.

Take hope. You are on a road others have traveled and there is an end. Today, the little boy in me drew a picture of a town devastated by a monster with him and Maleme clearing away the rubble to rebuild (Maleme with a steam shovel and the Little One with a child's garden shovel) while I-Amanda(in our new dress) and our wife discussing the blueprints for what will be built. There was no longer a monster in the picture or any black and red emotions clouding things.

I've dealt with my fair share of abuse during childhood and at various other times throughout life

Sometimes I'll talk about it but most often prefer not to, there are very few people I trust or am willing to talk to about much of anything

I don't intentionally self harm per say but have wrestled with suicidal ideation for several years and made my first serious attempt when 10 years old

I guess that's about it on that, wishing you all a healthy and happy life

Hugs

V M

Quote from: Amanda500 on December 20, 2016, 09:40:32 PM
Thank your for your kind thoughts, Sarai.

One thing we have learned through our therapist is that with trauma, the memories get locked into the body and are particularly hard to dislodge. In doing physical therapy for a back/shoulder injury, we did an exercise of rolling around on a firm rubber ball to loosen the muscles. When it hit a particular area in one shoulder, it would trigger some of the feelings of shame, helplessness, and being utterly alone, bringing the Little One to the front saying "I'm so scared" over and over and crying. In counseling, we are working on diffusing the emotions rather than trying to take them head on. Since things happened when we were so young, we do a lot of things at a non-rational level through drawing,  play, and story telling.

This interview gives some insight into the physical/pychological connections and some things that are helping people.

http://www.onbeing.org/program/restoring-the-body-bessel-van-der-kolk-on-yoga-emdr-and-treating-trauma/5801

You do not need to tell your parents until you are ready to. We have not told our mother yet for much of the same reason you have not told your parents. The only people in our real life that know are our wife, therapist, and one of the pastors at our church. But, telling someone helps break the power of shame.

Take hope. You are on a road others have traveled and there is an end. Today, the little boy in me drew a picture of a town devastated by a monster with him and Maleme clearing away the rubble to rebuild (Maleme with a steam shovel and the Little One with a child's garden shovel) while I-Amanda(in our new dress) and our wife discussing the blueprints for what will be built. There was no longer a monster in the picture or any black and red emotions clouding things.

I'm sorry but its Saira.

      I want to talk to my therapist about it, but I am afraid of the questions he will ask. I don't want to revisit the experience. I don't even know how many times it happened.

     The person who abused me, I'm scared that it will be someone I know. That prevents me from trying to find out who it was. I don't want to get hurt. I'm afraid, this time, the damage will be irreparable.


     
   

Saira,

As you see abuse is so sadly common.

It actually doesn't matter who abused you, whoever it was filth and needs to be out of your life.

I use to wake up every night screaming as my rapes were repeated in my nightmare. That was every night for so many years. I knew who they were.

My therapist did help, I found out finally how to wake up before my nightmare began and then after about a year they also went away.

As I said I know who they were and I just regard them as such creatures of disgust that even thinking of them is a waste of energy.

Be at peace honey

We are here with you

Cindy

Quote from: Cindy on December 21, 2016, 01:57:54 AM
Saira,

As you see abuse is so sadly common.

It actually doesn't matter who abused you, whoever it was filth and needs to be out of your life.

I use to wake up every night screaming as my rapes were repeated in my nightmare. That was every night for so many years. I knew who they were.

My therapist did help, I found out finally how to wake up before my nightmare began and then after about a year they also went away.

As I said I know who they were and I just regard them as such creatures of disgust that even thinking of them is a waste of energy.

Be at peace honey

We are here with you

Cindy

Thank you so much Cindy. And, I am so sorry for what you had to go through.
    I get nightmares about it too. At one point, last year, I didn't sleep for 2 days straight, because I hated what I saw in my dreams.

Quote from: V M on December 20, 2016, 10:50:34 PM
I've dealt with my fair share of abuse during childhood and at various other times throughout life

Sometimes I'll talk about it but most often prefer not to, there are very few people I trust or am willing to talk to about much of anything

I don't intentionally self harm per say but have wrestled with suicidal ideation for several years and made my first serious attempt when 10 years old

I guess that's about it on that, wishing you all a healthy and happy life

Hugs

V M

Thank you so much.
Hugs and kisses.

Love,
Saira.