Hello! Hopefully this isn't in the wrong section but as the title suggest I could probably use some help in that department. I have pretty bad anxiety, mostly social and hit 7 months exactly on HRT, had all legal documents save a passport changed (I've never had one and don't need one and not in a rush to get one as all my birth cert/ssi/id all list female/proper name) 5 sessions in facial laser and started voice lessons 2 weeks ago. My problem is my depression is starting to go up quite a bit lately and the disconnect between my physical looks and mental/emotional side is growing larger and wearing/presenting as male/being "Sir'd" in public etc... is just making it worse. I'm hoping to get a nice feminine haircut/bangs by years end and a nice winter coat to complete proper female outside attire but at 7 months as I hear that a good haircut/appropriate makeup can do more wonders at feminizing. It just feels like physically I haven't changed much, I have near mid back length hair but it's all thin and lifeless/split and I haven't male failed or been refereed to as anything other then sir in public even though I know I'm presenting as male. I also know I'm guilty of being impatient/looking at others transition images will less months then me and see more differences. I'm hoping finalizing my winter apparel getting a nice feminine haircut would be just what I need to swing the needle into the female range but I'm just scared if it's not enough as there's no hiding as male in public if I went through with it but the more I wait the depression seems to worsen so how have many of you managed to cope/not care what others think when presenting as female in public if you don't think you pass yet? Thanks!

It's hard to say and I can only relate to my own experience.

I used to be paranoid and worried about what people thought about me all the time, I had no confidence. But the thing is, I was also highly critical of myself and other people. Somehow I thought I was better than everyone else and, simultaneously, that everyone was better than me. Fortunately I realised that not only were those contradictory beliefs but that they were delusional. I realised I wasn't a mind reader, most of the negative thoughts about me I attributed to others were in fact just my own negative thoughts about myself being attributed to them.

Self acceptance is the key.

Once I stopped being critical of others and, especially, of myself things really started to shift. I realised I wasn't as bad as I thought I was and neither were (most) other people. I began to like myself and like other people...I found that what they may or may not think about me didn't really matter unless they started acting out or told me to my face.

I still care about how I am perceived but I don't let it consume me when I am out and about. 90% of people barely notice I exist, so wrapped up in their own stuff as not to notice anyway. If people don't know me but have an opinion about me, then that is just a figment of their own thought processes. Like I say, unless they externalise that thought then it has zero impact on me. If they do externalise it then I have to figure out how to deal with it, but I usually feel confident enough about myself and centred enough to deal with it in the moment.

For people who do know me, again, unless they say or do something about how they feel or what they think about me then there's nothing I can do about it, but we're all adults so I would hope those people can express themselves openly and honestly and we can sort it out between us.

Quote from: DuchessBianca on December 20, 2016, 02:01:27 PM
Hello! Hopefully this isn't in the wrong section but as the title suggest I could probably use some help in that department. I have pretty bad anxiety, mostly social and hit 7 months exactly on HRT, had all legal documents save a passport changed (I've never had one and don't need one and not in a rush to get one as all my birth cert/ssi/id all list female/proper name) 5 sessions in facial laser and started voice lessons 2 weeks ago. My problem is my depression is starting to go up quite a bit lately and the disconnect between my physical looks and mental/emotional side is growing larger and wearing/presenting as male/being "Sir'd" in public etc... is just making it worse. I'm hoping to get a nice feminine haircut/bangs by years end and a nice winter coat to complete proper female outside attire but at 7 months as I hear that a good haircut/appropriate makeup can do more wonders at feminizing. It just feels like physically I haven't changed much, I have near mid back length hair but it's all thin and lifeless/split and I haven't male failed or been refereed to as anything other then sir in public even though I know I'm presenting as male. I also know I'm guilty of being impatient/looking at others transition images will less months then me and see more differences. I'm hoping finalizing my winter apparel getting a nice feminine haircut would be just what I need to swing the needle into the female range but I'm just scared if it's not enough as there's no hiding as male in public if I went through with it but the more I wait the depression seems to worsen so how have many of you managed to cope/not care what others think when presenting as female in public if you don't think you pass yet? Thanks!

Hi Duchess Bianca
Welcome to transition...I see you have been rummaging around in my old posts...just kidding...about a month and a half ago I realised that this part of transition is possibly the most frustrating because of a couple of things....

Physical changes are really starting to ramp up...you can see the girl occasionally but still have to present in male mode which you can still pull off easy enough but becoming more difficult..

Psychologically you are moving towards beginning to gendering yourself correctly, getting used to your own new name, maybe exploring different looks

Laser and Electrolysis, whilst happening, is a work in progress and you are making progress, each 2-4 day grow out period gets tougher and tougher to do.

Dysphoria is at all time levels, as the acceptance of being a woman/man increases so the absurdity of continuing to live life as the gender you are not, becomes more and more difficult to deal with. All those unhealthy ways of coping with Dysphoria are not around to use so riding the days out is the best you can do.

I have just completed the last of the cosmetic type surgeries I plan to have. I now have to wait for all this to heal and grow(hair) before being able to go fulltime. Time is what I have to give it...time...so the next 12 weeks after xmass is an intensive run and finishing off the first clearance and completing the second before I go full time. I will only get 1-2 days a week where I can shave...not going to be pleasant...hormones reduce the speed of beard growth so it takes longer for it to get to a length for Electrolysis... 

I keep telling myself it won't be long now...but in the end getting out is about the only way to do it..when you are able to "out it all together" do it and enjoy it...those days become easier...one of the things I did is decide who I went to for professional services that would be considered a safe place...like a Dr's Office. When I attend these appointments they are lucky enough to get the entire Liz and not just what is hidden behind the androgynous look.

Hope some of that resonates with you

Liz

Think about it like this:

You might be preoccupied with it, with being misgendered, or people looking at you weird, etc. but the reality is that most people you pass on the street are not going to go home thinking of you, they're probably not even going to devote more than a few seconds' thought to you or about transgender as a concept even if they 'clocked' you.

So why should you worry a ton about it if they're not?

Accepting yourself helps a lot but I think a lot of people with this problem tend to think other people in general will be thinking about them/their non-passing obsessively and I just don't think it's true. 99% of people won't/don't even care.

Hey Duchess Bianca

Cool name!

I understand - and while I am a couple of months behind you I am finding it harder and harder to accept the "Sir" even though I am male mode.

I know that is what they see - but now I am starting to understand what I was told when I started this HRT journey - it's not really about how long you can hide the feminine changes, but how long you can handle the internal image of yourself (female) being hammered by but what mentally is you being misgendered - although everyone is just responding to what they see on the outside.

When I was told this I didn't believe it - but now I understand.

We just need to find the highlights in life to get us through the rough times until we can be ourselves.

Hang in there - you are not alone.

Steph

I'm still far behind, still waiting to get HRT in fact but I've slowly been expressing myself when in or close to the city. I wear women's jeans, usually skinny jeans because I like a few pairs that fit just right. Sometimes flare legged stretch jeans. I will wear women's shirts in neutral colors and paint my nails. I may add some eye liner. If I was young people would just think I was emo or something but what I've found is only the past retirement age group seem to even bother looking.  Usually just the husbands. A couple of weeks ago we were at a restaurant for lunch and an old guy there with his wife seemed like he couldn't help but look every time I picked up my glass for a drink. My nails were a nice dark chocolate shade. A bit long but not overly so for a male.

Anyway for me expressing just a bit here and there is getting me closer to being able to go full time. If I had a job where I could I would most likely be trying it now.

OK another recollection from my past.

I was so dysphoric and ashamed that I wore a clowns red nose at times. I even did it at clinics.

The odd thing was that few people commented. Some laughed, some looked astray but most just looked at me and continued on.

What did they think?

I have no idea - and I didn't care then and I certainly don't now.

How does that relate to shyness (which I use to suffer from pre transition) I'm not sure. Maybe it was a response to Cindy wanting to exist, and she wasn't able to at that time.

Recovering from my chemorad treatment I have lost my hair, my voice is terrible, I'm scarred across my neck, I'm tired and I get confused. But no one has even got close to questioning my femininity.

In public, no one cares, I am a confident woman as you should be.

Be strong and take hope.

You're not going to overcome doubt and anxiety before you go out the first time. Rather you have to just let  it all go in the moment. You gain confidence by going out and trying it.