I'm not sure if HRT will change my personality at all, right now though I am still on the defensive, still maintaining a personality I built for myself through the years, there are tons of habits, which are more so for protection than anything else.  I feel sort of upset with myself, for oppressing myself in this way, really I should just let go of that foolishness, but it is really scary.

Walking through Target with my wife, shaved legs, shaved arms, and I feel a bit self conscious.  Questions such as are people looking at me, pop in my head, I start to worry, I stare at the ground and start thinking of all of the worst things that could occur.

I have accepted myself, but I am still afraid of the world at large.. can any of you relate to that?  I want to break free from it, but just am unsure how.  This is just years of building a personality for myself, it is filled with all sorts of habits, and it is proven to be difficult.

HRT made me abit more timid, but not by much, but I do second guess things now, before I used to be ultra confident and just fly by the seat of my pants through all my problems. As far as the acceptance and confidence while presenting. I've been fulltime for over 3 years now and I can say that confidence comes with time. I was terrified when I first started presenting and going out and about.

Zamber,
   It sounds like you cling to the old ways for safety. Right before I went full time, I told my therapist that I was excited but fearful that I would want to return to the safety of "him." I never did and know that I won't.
   HRT has changed my personality and after 18 months it is still changing it. You have to let it happen. You have to go through the period of awkwardness. Know that, for most, it is like a right of passage. Don't judge yourself too harshly. The more you are out, the easier it becomes. You can't skip the hard part unfortunately. I might suggest what I did. I bought some cute, dark sunglasses and watched people as they passed me. It was at that point I realized that the majority of people are in there own little world not giving me a thought. So many of the fears you have will never be close to reality. I wasted so much time on worry. You only get past it by going forward.
   Oh, one more thing, I started out allowing myself to stay within certain comfort bounds but never allowed myself to run and hide. I pushed myself some but not to where it got overwhelming.  Just know that you can do it, and you will surprise yourself with what you will do.
Monica

I've changed more than I could have imagined.
1) politically (Do not get me started here, you can guess)
2) I do not get pissed at the littlest things any more
3) I'm more agreeable to compromise and honestly I'm not giving in, I'm just okay with it.
4) Mannerisms - lots of little things.

I agree with Monica about pushing myself.  When I would stand at the door and say I'm scared to go out, I would think that I've been chicken for the last 50 years to not do this.  I'm not not going to do this.  (Sorry for the double negative.)  For me it's just as much about transitionING as it is about the final result.  It's the transitioning that has held me back for 50 years, not the end result.  Now that I've begun (which was the instant I told the first person) I will not allow myself to stop (again).

About worrying about shaved legs etc.  This sounds so mean but no body walking around Target cares one bit if you have shaved your legs.  Not a single person noticed.  Unless you make an ass of yourself or wear something that's totally improper (75 yo, beer belly, hairy and wearing a halter top with a mini skirt comes to mind) no one cares.  Wear muted colors, proper length clothing keep the make-up to a minimum.  You'll be fine.

Whenever I point out to my sister that I've had a bad day or I'm nervous or "I can't believe I came out to xxxx and they didn't ask any questions" she responds the same way "NO BODY CARES WHAT YOU DO."  The only people who should care are YOU, your Spouse (possibly G/B friend) and kids who are not yet out of high school (primary school).  After that you are in the "second ripple" of affect and they don't care and honestly you probably shouldn't care about what they think too.

- Dee Dee

Quote from: zamber74 on December 19, 2016, 07:41:10 PM
I have accepted myself, but I am still afraid of the world at large.. can any of you relate to that?

Of course. Your fears are completely justified.  You are in the process of dismantling the only "you" you have ever known. It's a very scary process. But I can tell you that you will find courage and strength you never knew you had. I did, and I am a scared little mouse.

Shaved legs and shaved arms? No one will notice or even care.  The fact you are with your wife gives you even more of a shield from being judged. Soon you will wonder why you were even concerned.  Then you will take another step and experience the same fears.  Again, you will find your equilibrium and balance and you will seek the next step of your transition.  Listen to HappyMoni: "So many of the fears you have will never be close to reality. I wasted so much time on worry. You only get past it by going forward."

And more wisdom from Happy Moni: "Oh, one more thing, I started out allowing myself to stay within certain comfort bounds but never allowed myself to run and hide. I pushed myself some but not to where it got overwhelming." My transition went forward in part because I always gave myself permission to fail. The game plan changed after I started HRT, however. My internal dialogue changed from "How can I possibly do this?" to "I have to find a way to do this."

Don't be ruled by fear. Follow your heart.

With kindness,

Terri

Denise hit the nail on the head if you ask me. How my girlfriend at the time, now wife helped me ease into presenting, we started with gender neutral outfits, then started slowly having me go out with a baggy shirt when semi feminine designs on it. or more feminine colors, once my hair was grown out more and styled and the hormones changed me abit we just kept tweeking my outfits I left the house in until before I knew it I was going full time.

don't push yourself to had, but don't sweat the small stuff. No one checks to see if you shaved your legs really. So don't worry so much about that. I knew plenty of males who shave their legs for the heck of it. Hell I forget or just plain get lazy and don't shave my legs from time to time, and no one says anything.

Thank you all very much, I appreciate all of your comments.  I'll keep pushing myself, setting new limits, perhaps I'll paint a nail next lol.  I like the idea of sunglasses, as well as a different set of clothes, for now I am garbed up in an over sized button up shirt and cargo shorts, this is a significant change for me.  I am glad to have you all around to draw upon your experiences, it makes a big difference.

Denise, when you were down here I should have hung out with you for a while, perhaps some of that determination would have rubbed off on me    I swear, I can be such a coward at times.

It wasn't coming out but hormones that have changed me.

I found myself having random chats with people at the store and thinking while I was that I hadn't been self-conscious during it at all. Something was missing that was usually there in the back of my mind. A hyper awareness maybe... which wasn't poking me in the back of the head like it usually does. I usually want to get out of there and not waste my time shooting the breeze but now I will just because it doesn't feel like I need to get out of there.

I'm definitely less preoccupied stressing about things in general. It seemed pointless to stress about them before as well but now I can actually let go of caring about them easier whereas before I was unable to.

I'm usually pretty chill, one could say I have a temper under particular circumstances but it's in check because I'm not normally surrounded by aggravating people. However, I did have some altercation with my landlord's wife after she stood in the corridor clearly disrespecting me, and it "escalated quickly" one could say. I didn't even feel it happening I was just like, "the hell did you just say to me?" and yeah... I was ready to smash things by the end of that one. Long story and horrible people, unfair treatment, etc. This might be the fabled "T aggression" they speak of, although frankly it's always been there if you push any of my particular buttons. Just didn't feel it creeping up on me this time. I suppose all encounters with people have taken on a casualness that can go either way, that definitely wasn't there before.

I wouldn't say I've changed much, and probably almost not at all to other people looking at me, but there's been some personality changes for sure.

It actually makes me quite afraid that if something occurs that means I will no longer be able to get hormones as I currently take them, the resulting mood/personality crash will be horrifying. I've been through a year of hormone deficiency before and it was hell.

I loved reading this thread.  Thank you all for sharing.  I just have recently been coming out to my close friends and, eeeep, my ex wife. They are all supportive.  I've become a little more feminine in my mannerisms since. But I still feel lonely and confused.  But reading this helps.

I apologize for how awful what I'm going to type is going to sound my personality has changed a whole ton. I've known how I was since childhood but only accepted the coming out/transitioning side of it early this year but before so, having been raised by a very conservative, very religious family the me of even a year ago was very anti LGBT and would roll my eyes everytime I saw an article related to such. Now I'm the complete opposite personality, politically etc... wise I guess just years and years of self hatred and wishing things were different manifested into hate/jealousy for others but since accepting/not fighting it anymore I certainly am a much happier/better person.

I grew up near a town called Ogunquit, actually I worked there for many years.  It was a LGBT friendly town, so I was used to being around the community to some extent.  Some of my coworkers were lgbt, and it never phased me, even being hit on by guys was more so flattering than something to get upset about.

I used to work at a convenience store in fact, and this one guy would always come in at night hitting on me, trying his best to get me to go home with him, lol.  I actually kind of liked him, he was a really nice guy.

I never really had any hate in me.  If anything I felt I could relate to them a lot, I just never really became involved with the community. 

I think a lot of the way I behave now, is due to a lot of homophobic and transphobic people I was raised around.  People used to make fun of me a lot, when I was younger, for being to feminine - to escape that I more or less built a barrier around me, which stripped me of most of my personality to be honest.  It is a horrible way to live, never smiling, never meeting people's eyes, hiding away lest someone found out.. then tell everyone, and be tormented.  I read how a lot of tg people really go out, try to be as masculine as they can as an effort to combat the dysphoria, it is not something I ever did.. which is sort of a shame in some regards, because I never built a method of coping around others, outside of just remaining detached.

I could go on and on about it.

Funny thing, earlier today I was on yahoo news, reading a lgbt article about North Carolina, and started to read the comments.  I actually started to feel pride for being the way I am, these jerks in the comments kept making all sorts of crazy accusations, and I knew they were all lies.  I set a lot of them straight, as politely as I could mind you.  I won a few over, of course a few remained jerks. 

It is as though, I'm escaping their trap.  It is very liberating and empowering.  Their lies, their shame tactics, are starting to lose a hold over me.. it is about time, it only took me 42 years..  I'm sure it is going to take a while longer, and trying to release my personality I have hid away for years now is likewise going to take time.  The only people who ever see it, are those who are closest to me.

Today while shopping at Michaels with my wife, we started looking at all of these cool little figurines, mostly little faerie houses and figurines.  It really opened up a part of me that has long been hidden, I love these things, I started thinking of how cool it would be to decorate our house with them.. I even tried to update my avatar earlier, to some cool faerie avatar, but it did not go through

Back on to point though, my wife has been really excited about my transitioning, and I think I know why now.  It is because she gets very rare glimpses of my sensitive side, I usually am just shut down, not attached to anything, just waiting for the end to finally arrive.  It is neglectful to a point.  The thing is, she loves that part of me, she wants to see more of it.  I want to see more of it as well.

Okay, enough rambling.. I could have made a whole new thread with all of the above lol.  Thank you all for reading, and responding.  I can not stress enough, how good it feels to have other people who know what it is like to talk to on this forum, and how much I appreciate it.

It was a long journey after my first presenting as a woman in 2003. I have a dedicated wife and 3 kids.
Last year, I first wore bikini in beaches, posting them in Facebook where most of my colleagues and friends can see.
It was not easy at all. All of fuss and even job threatening evolved. I am not on HRT, and I do not think my personality has every changed. But the reactions of people have changed. They treat me more as a woman, and I have a lot of girl friends, regardless of their age. Both men and women respect me.

barbie~~

Hey, this is something that I have thought a lot about.
     I was never feminine in my mannerisms. Well, I am actually as masculine as it can get.

     I am worried, will I be able to pass after transitioning?

      I mean, the way I walk, its very similar to, lets say, HULK.
Will my movements and actions become feminine after starting hrt, or will I have to consciously change them?

Quote from: Saira128 on December 21, 2016, 07:25:37 AM
Hey, this is something that I have thought a lot about.
     I was never feminine in my mannerisms. Well, I am actually as masculine as it can get.

     I am worried, will I be able to pass after transitioning?

      I mean, the way I walk, its very similar to, lets say, HULK.
Will my movements and actions become feminine after starting hrt, or will I have to consciously change them?

Well. You may pass some day.

Everybody I interact with everyday knows who I am, and then passing is meaningless to me.
Of course, I enter women's bathroom when I travel, which is just for minimizing fusses there.

barbie~~

My personality changed a bit when I started HRT.  I am able to control my anger better,  I try not to be too narrow minded, and actually try to understand and not to worry too much what others thought because I am me, and I'm not here to impress anyone. 
   That being said  I am still having a hard time coming out, I know what I want, I feel what I want.  But ever since I was a kid I was afraid of being judged. 
For the most part some of my close friends know, but non of my family members know. Luckily I am on a low dose of HRT so nothing to drastic, but I do hope to achieve more of a female body quicker.
   Being mostly male faced looking, I am still having a hard time coming out in public.