Hello everyone,

sorry again for another "strange post" of mine.
Since I discovered to me a transgender mtf individual, I started struggling with my identity, in denial with my "male" self.

After your discovery of being TG, have anyone ever felt that "It was not me" need to reply to someone asking about your "old" self?

Today, while I was writing, I came up with this thought:
"I was misinterpreting my feelings".
This let me understand that there is no "male-self" and "female-self", but just "myself", and my interpretation of my feelings. Before 2014 I thought I was a weird male feeling feminine, and now I know that I am a female that always thought was a male, misinterpreting her feelings. It was always me.
It sounds right to me, and seems solving the "it was not me" reply to who asks why I did something in my past.

What about you?

Kisses and thanks for your help,
Ive

Hm, I can see where you are coming from...and I used to feel that way about some things I had done in the past but ultimately I still had to acknowledge that it was me that did those things...good or bad...regardless of my gender presentation.

Thanks Grace... I feel a little bit more normal now...

Inviato dal mio KIW-L21 utilizzando Tapatalk

That is a very interesting question.
I always liked what I liked until I was around 12-13 years old, when I was told that I would need to get new friends and that I could not go to slumber parties because that was wrong. Looking back I can understand that they did not want to have a 12 year old boy on a slumber party with girls. Since other things I also liked were wrong, I thought that I misinterpreted my feelings and changes accordingly. But you like what you like, so I changed the way I let other see me. I spend year of planing and precise word crafting to make people see me the way I want them to see me. And when I came out to them, they understood that a lot of things I said/did had more than one meaning.

I tend to look at the TOTALITY of what I think makes me ME. Believe me it is difficult not letting the male/female binary interfere with the process. Looking at this totality is also why I say that gender is about 20% or so of everything that I define as key aspects of ME. Some are gender non-specific, some in my background certainly are. Some as just ambiguous.

I cannot divorce 40%, 50%, 80% of all the things that I KNOW make me me for the sake of 20%. True, loosing all the other aspects is a roll of the dice. A chance I do not need to take, TODAY. If I need to tomorrow, be sure I will. I enjoy waking up on the sunny side of the grass, most days.

Everything I've done, that I experienced, all led to what made me the ME I am today. If I decided tomorrow I needed to do a full transition, my love of "Fixing" things will not change. My ability to solve problems will not change. My being the "Master of the Electron" (my wife's term) will not change. My joy of repairing cars, electrical work, wood work, metal work, designing will not change.

I am ME. Believe me when I say it took a LOT of hard work to accept the totality of me. It's even harder work to unload the baggage to get there

No, for me it was always me, I can't get away from the past and what's in it. I don't feel a line has been crossed, or a new identity has been found, all I did was find words to represent the truth.

What I did back then was also me; some people have asked me why I did certain things if I am the way I am and how could that have possibly made me feel... and the answer is simple, I did them because I was trying to find my way, and anguish was routine.

I think my huge sense of shame and guilt, and fear of being alone and abandoned is what let me say "It was not me".
Like Bart Simpson "I didn't do it" 

Well, today, actually, something else came up into my mind: humiliation. I am running away from the possibility of being humiliated. I was for all my life, I tried to cope with that, but some stuff was deeply "acting", for which I earned more humiliation. I think this is something that made me say "I am a girl" with the objective to wipe away the value-scale associated to me as a male.

think i can relate to bit anna. since before puberty there was no doubt in my mind as to who i should have been. then not long after puberty had to lie to hide from people around me. then the lies lead to make people like me. i can teach a class on lying now, what they lead to and the effects of. all the lies ever told through out my life were never me.

so no "it was not me".

Quote from: Ive on December 21, 2016, 03:50:51 AM
Well, today, actually, something else came up into my mind: humiliation. I am running away from the possibility of being humiliated. I was for all my life, I tried to cope with that, but some stuff was deeply "acting", for which I earned more humiliation. I think this is something that made me say "I am a girl" with the objective to wipe away the value-scale associated to me as a male.

In my early 20's I had twice "experimented" with transitioning. Both time utter fails. Both times (late 70's early 80's) were not T friendly times, and at 6 ft tall, BIG everything, and deeper then average male voice, I stood out. Prior to that I was a good 100 lbs heavier, been the "Fatso" in school since like the 1st grade. Add in being a mouth breather and a big stutterer, I got a lot of abuse. Just like during those experiments.

One was voluntary abuse, the other the natural BS of growing up. One I could control. The other just adapt. So I gave up on my transition dreams and settled on being "Just a CD". It kind of sort of worked for decades.

These days, now that I am peace with myself for who and what I am. Put in a LOT of hard work fixing myself from the inside, it would take a lot to get me feel anywhere near the way I did in my 20's. Vanished Forever is that "Some Guy in a Dress" cloud that hung over me and I exuded.

thats one of the things im struggling with as well... i know i feel like woman in a man's body, and since starting hrt ive become even more effeminate especially in physical gestures and how i interact with others ... but im not sure to what what degree of being effeminate to i wanna go... sometimes i feel like im downright lady-like... and sometimes i can be kinda tom-boyish (less often though)... its a bit.. maybe frustrating is too strong a word... but at least confusing because these thoughts keep running through my mind and i begin to overthink things.

uhmm sorry for the rambling.. felt like i had to get that off my chest... nearly did a billy connolly.. uhmm.. prior to beginning hrt i always felt that getting the srs would be enough... i never really minded being a guy... i mostly dislike my external plumbing... but then again... put in the fact that i have breast envy (thank you eddie izzard for that) and always wanted to have my own (i nearly did have thanks to gynecomastia... well into my twenties until i dropped 70lbs, though i did feel a bit embarrassed when i was in public) and the fact that i believe that i dont believe that its fair that women in general have a freedom of clothing and wearing pretty much anything in any style while guys' fashion leaves a lot to be desired. which would make me a very confused person... going by this, i would want to be female in every way except presenting myself as female.. i dunno... thats where i was before hrt...

after starting... i became more at ease with the idea of presenting as a female... maybe it was a lack of confidence in myself or thinking that id never be able to pass...

Looks to me like you just switched from the binary to the non-binary. Ain't no thing. You were there and now you're here.

In the immortal words of Pete Townshend, (a geezer from back in my day),

(This is no social crisis)
This is you having fun
(No crisis)
Getting burned by the sun
(This is true)
This is no social crisis
Just another tricky day for you

Embrace your new found place on the planet. When you don't like it anymore, change.

I felt humiliated from childhood just being... so, transition doesn't feel like a step down or back. I suppose it should do, given what people think of it out there, but it doesn't.