For all intents and purposes and respect for her own privacy for this topic we'll call her 'D.' Like myself D was a bit of a nerd, albeit less extroverted. She would always be hiding down in the basement on her computer, when we'd visit. You had to really WORK to get a smile or even a wave out of her, as she seemed far happier to be immersed in whatever game or program she was working on, and what not. Later on in life, her parents began telling everyone she'd 'really found them self in college/university, filled out, had a high paying job, and a girlfriend and everything was great and they were so proud of their child.' And everyone was super relieved because we'd all figured at some point D would've killed themselves, having been so unhappy and introverted their entire lives we all feared the worst. We were glad their life had 'turned around.'
All of this was a lie of course, as I should explain that D had been born an assigned male. A number of years later we'd found out that she'd reached out to her extended family, us, that she'd been transitioning to female, that her mother and father were apparently, how shall we say, 'less than accepting' having made up all these lies, to hide what was really going on. Her father had bought a place up north and began 'living' up there any time she would come to visit her family. I will admit right now that I was furious. UTTERLY furious. Any sort of those behaviors in myself were 'trained out of me.' by my own parents and here they were supposedly being 'super accepting' and helping her come out to the rest of the family, which they would never have done the same for me, their own child..! But we wont get too deep into that story.. Around the time Carmela, our other cousin, was getting married, she'd underwent her SRS and It was time for the 'big reveal' to the family, since obviously we'd never really known her all along =(
D was refused permission to attend the wedding. The official story was 'she would be getting all of the attention and taking focus away from the married couple.' I felt anger like you couldn't believe. It came as no surprise to me that all those stories I'd been getting fed about the families and even my parents 'acceptance' were complete fabrications designed to make themselves look like better people. When push came to shove, she wasn't allowed to go to Carmelas wedding and It's not because of the reason given, its because of our family's religious values being deeply seeded with bigotry and hate and intolerance. (Just never openly. Gotta pretend to be good people, it's the Christian thing to do!) I don't even think she was INVITED to her own brothers wedding..
Supposedly, my parents had planned another evening, to reintegrate her to the family at our house when my other cousin, not a sibling of hers, had returned from Afghanistan from the army to stay. I rushed home after work, got cleaned up and dressed and raced to see my cousin to find her surrounded SMOTHERED, with fake hugs and kisses, artificial positivity, and toxicly exaggerated acceptance. She looked utterly mortified, and rightly so. These were the very same people who'd blocked her access to her own brothers wedding now 'showering her' with praise and acceptance like it never happened, you couldn't cut the tension in the house with a chainsaw. MY father made sure to stick her at the head of the table in his spot, surrounded by all the uncles, (all the ones who chose to attend anyways) to try and make a 'clear point' that 'everyone was cool with it, even the men.' The aunts and other cousins all sat in the kitchen talking, and the only time I saw them interact with her at all was when it was time for her to leave. Again with more theatrics.
This was the first last and only time anyone had ever met or seen D as she was meant to be. I'm told she 'stopped emailing' my father or anyone else. (Which could be another lie, for all I know.) And no one has heard from her since. I don't know if shes alive, if shes well, if shes happier being away from these people if it was indeed her choice. (Which after my observations, I frankly can't blame her.) But, I miss my cousin. We were never close before, and I understand why. I understand how horrible it would've been, I've been in the same boat most of my life. Although I was super angry and jealous of her in the beginning, I felt like I'd finally had a chance to have some of my own questions answered first hand, by family, rather than a therapist, and now it's gone.
No one in the family bats an eye, only a couple of us bring her up in conversation. Even in my own therapy sessions we talk about her. My worries, and fears, what she might be up to, how shes doing. I've even tried to find her on several occasions now with social media and everything, but it's more than likely shes changed her surname also. There are so many things I'd still like to ask her, with regard to the subject of her transition, and what I should expect and I'll never get to ask. Hell, I'll never get to sit down with her without all the BS from everyone else and have ANY sort of normal conversation. That ships passed, and it sucks.
I don't know if this is even the right section to be posting this in, why I'm even sharing this story at all, or if I'm hoping somehow she'll read this and we can reconnect, if someone here knows her, I don't know. All I know is more and more my thoughts return to this.
Sorry, D, I wish I could've done more when it mattered.
*editted because I confused a few events and dates, sorry but I'm a bit emotional today.*
