My Mum has not spoken to me in almost a year, and that only follows the most disgusting tirade of abusive and hateful words in a lecture I was assaulted with. She's in her 70's and I've tried my best to empathise with her and keep offering contact. My Ex has understandably struggled with my transition too, but even she has been supportive in her way. My other friends and family have all been very accepting.
My issue is that my Mum has now started attacking my sister too, due to her acceptance of me. When is enough? I believe in forgiveness, and I've got a thick skin, but if others are also getting hurt, what should I do? Any thoughts much appreciated! X

Staying mad at her won't change anything.  Forgiveness is always the best way to go for your own sanity even if the other party doesn't want it or deserve it. 

As far as what else you can do, I don't think there is anything.   You have offered the olive branch and she has thrown it back in your face.  Perhaps one day she will pick it back up but for now she chooses to wallow in anger and resentment.  That is her choice.


It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.
André Gide, Autumn Leaves

Deborah, I'm only sad not mad at the state of my relationship with my mum, if she wanted to become close again nothing would make me happier. I just feel I need to do something to protect the other members in my family.

What is your mother like normally? Or, how was your relationship with her before you came out? I ask because that seems like a fairly extreme reaction, but if she is usually angry and verbally abusive then it's hard to see how you can work through that kind of defence mechanism. If she usually isn't (or wasn't before you came out) then maybe you have something to work with.

I don't know how you define offering the olive branch, if it is a passive "hope she comes to her senses" or if there is a degree of direct action involved from you.

For me, my father was very resistant to my transition. He is also in his 70s. Fortunately he was never prone to tirades or hateful words and I never copped an earful when I initially came out to him. However he was in no hurry to meet me after I transitioned, he clearly didn't agree with my decision, didn't understand and didn't want to talk about it. His few emails to me continued to address me as [deadname]. Still, I proffered the olive branch, I wasn't going to push him or demand anything but made it clear I was willing to meet and discuss when he was ready.

Then, out of nowhere I got an angry email from him making all sorts of bizarre accusations. It was hurtful and made me see red. I wrote an immediate angry reply but never sent it. Once I cooled down I retooled the reply, made it respectful but at the same time made it clear in no uncertain terms that the accusations were incorrect, that I was who I was, that I would not tolerate being called [deadname], that I was happier in my life than I had ever been...and I re-offered the olive branch. (I wrote about it at the time here in the forum.) There was radio silence, then he had to go into hospital/physical rehab (something unrelated!) and a few months later I got an apologetic email from him. He still doesn't call me Grace but at least he doesn't call me [deadname] either...a middle ground I'm prepared to accept.

I guess what I'm saying, in my father's case I had offered the olive branch but was prepared to switch to iron fist when that was what the situation called for. But that was keyed directly to him and his psychology. I don't know whether being more assertive and direct with your mother would work or would only inflame her further.

It can be terrifying to confront our parents. My father is at least semi reasonable and reflective of his behaviour, but I was still afraid to confront him the way I did. Relationships with parents are difficult. Even when we are adults they still hold a certain sway or power over us that we normally would never invest in anyone else. Dealing with them means knowing them and knowing your relationship dynamic with them knowing their defensive tactics and knowing how to find a way through that. There is most likely a way through to your mother but it may require a bit of "iron fist" as well as olive branch.

I'm hardly typical so I don't know if its the right thing to do, but I'd start isolating her from the rest of the family.

Don't offer an olive branch as it can always be used against you. Take it from a girl who regularly got her butt whacked with a switch. Love your Mom. That's what makes us human. But remember, she chose the way she wanted to live her life. If you are like me you probably didn't get a choice but are dealing with the cards you were dealt. My life could have been a Royal Flush, or a straight, but it ended up as four Queens.  For that I am thankful. I was afraid to reveal my black girlfriend to my Grandmother for fear of her reaction. She died not knowing the wonderful person she was. Thinking back on it now, I think Granny and Kassy would have gotten along great if given the chance. Back in the early 1900's fetuses were not subjected to female hormones such as DES and GMO's. So our Moms and Grannys grew up in a time when the environment had not poisoned them. There has been little research because it would destroy the belief that We as transgendered people make a choice to be who we are. I suspect trans people were rare as hens teeth. Not that they didn't exist, just not in the numbers there are today.  So forgive Mom, but keep your distance. You don't have to disassociate yourself from her. Just don't give her the opportunity to go on a rant. Say, Mom, If we talk about that again I'm walking out of here. This puts the onus on her not you. 

Ms Grace, ironically my dad has been ok with things, I think he'd certainly prefer me to not transition but only out of concern for the impact on me and the family. My family are a classic emotionally repressed middle-class bunch, even hugging is not done. My mum is for the most part a very rational person, but on some things logic goes totally out of the window, and she can be unbendingly stubborn on these issues.
I've thought about the 'iron fist' approach, and I'm coming to the conclusion that may be my only choice, be it kill or cure.

My mother is the same, and has been for the last 3-4 years. An otherwise rational person since her day job demands it, but when it comes to me, god knows what she thinks.

In my case I think she believed she "failed" with me - although I would say she barely tried - and now thinks she can do better with my sister's kids so she fawns all over them, almost as if she looks down on my sister's parenting and thinks she can do better. I don't mean failed because I said I was a man and always had been. She just thinks she failed, period. I never was able to do whatever it was she was expecting me to do (I still don't know what that might be, be famous? be rich? do something "great"? apparently so).

I gave up on it this year after trying over the last few years to get her to care at all. It was ridiculous to beg for attention, but I tried that, and when that didn't work I went back to exile and tried to ignore her. Then she had the brass neck to call me up and expect me to say "I love you".

When I told her I couldn't, I was the bad guy, of course. See rather than being outright obnoxious, my mother likes to act like a monster half the time and shortly afterwards likes to break down and talk about how much she "loves" me.

In these situations, when it becomes clear that it's just not healthy, when you come away from talking to someone or seeing someone filled with rage or just feeling sad and pathetic over and over again year after year... you have to stop. You have to sew the wound up and be done with it.

It's not easy letting go if you don't want to, but at least you won't have to relive that feeling like it's Groundhog Day.

Kylo, I'm sorry for your situation, it feels like mine is heading (if not already) down the same path.

When the people you're in conflict with are abusive I learned that attempting to reconcile may simply risk further abuse. I will not belabor here why I don't communicate with my sister (17 years now), anyone who's heard the story has been understanding.

I don't envy you this kind of conflict, especially when it reaches the point of impact on others.

Part of the fun and joy of coming out. You're a big girl and knew the score when you did it. So Mom's now going to punish those in the family that choose magnanimity...eh? That's lovely. I suspect your sister can take care of herself and frankly, their relationship is none of your business. People generally respond poorly to ultimatums, so that tact is probably going to backfire on your Mom. Unless she directly financially supports your siblings or friends, I'd suppose she doesn't hold much sway with them. If it were me, I'd tell my Mom I love her but was incapable of taking the negativity and abuse she's doling out on you. Let her know her derision is devastatibg to you and that you lover her. That you'll always be ready to talk when she can show love and support. Then.....move on. If you have a chance at a relationship with her, this would be it. To continue to be a doormat and allow her to berate you will get you nothing in the end. Why should she stop? After all, it's working for her.

Quote from: meganjames2 on December 24, 2016, 02:39:50 PM
Kylo, I'm sorry for your situation, it feels like mine is heading (if not already) down the same path.

If you've done everything you could to reach out to her (including putting a bit of distance between you and her to see if that also works) and get the same result, it might just be best to close that part of your heart off and accept it as over. She may come around in time, but you don't have forever to be waiting on it and feeling bad because of it. I would just try to make sure she doesn't poison your sister against you. I have a sister as well, who is actually happy to have a brother; if my mother began attacking her I'm sure she would find that action even more ridiculous and not go over to her side. Same with yours too, your mother may well just end up ostracizing everybody from herself.

Sometimes you have to just leave the door open for one to reach you should they ever come into acceptance. Meanwhile, distance yourself and follow your path.

Hi Megan James

It would seem we should get our parents together they would make a great team

Last night I received a e-mail from my father asking if I wanted to Skype today. I have not heard from him in over 2 months so I replied to him and this is the conversation we had

It Starts off really nicely and with general chit chat. I send him back saying would love to Skype but just to let you know I don't present as male much anymore and tomorrow I will be in Liz mode.

His response to me, is to tell me that he feels that skyping later in the evening, when the two granddaughters (8 and 10 years old) are not around is better rather than 3pm when everyone is there. Just in case they get confused about the whole Uncle/Liz thing. The time he suggested was late in the evening when there was just him around and not the rest of the family.

I felt incredibly hurt that they think my mere presence is enough to cause my nieces some distress and that is looking at it with the best connotation put on it. It is what is not said that is hard to take. Besides all that, their father(my brother) had a highly intrusive Q and A with me over 7 months under the guise that he needed to know this "stuff" as he was telling his kids what was happening with me and wanted to be able to answer all questions. I was highly suspicious at the time but wrote it off as just being paranoid. So I wrote back to my father and told him no thanks to the Skype and that there should be no harm to anyone considering what the children's father has told me he was doing 7 months ago.

I wished them well and left it at that... Some 2 hours later I have had no response so I suspect my father is angry and I will have no further contact for a few months. I recognise these patterns of behaviour.

So I think you have to just go about your day as best you can and leave the door ajar...I have...I certainly don't want to but I will. I am incredibly hurt by the inference of the email as I know my Fathers "Double speak" pretty darn well...although the excuse was not overly imaginative nor unexpected as his real level of knowledge compared to his perceived "knowledge" (re Trans stuff) are very different.

I will not let this set the tone for the rest of my day...

Hugs

Liz

It is sometimes important to set boundaries with parents.

I never had to deal with the trans thing with my parents while they were alive.  But at one point my mother wanted me to take her side in a feud she was having with one of my brothers.  I told her I couldn't do that.  She kept trying, and I told her to knock it off or she wouldn't be hearing from me for a while.  She did it again, and that was it: no more emails or phone calls.

It didn't mean that I didn't understand or that I couldn't forgive her.  It just meant that I couldn't talk to her.

I will never understand parents who would be offended by their kid trying to be who they are and not harming anyone else by it. Why have a kid at all if you cannot accept they are not your clone and don't think and act exactly like you.

Right or wrong, she is most likely acting this way because she is hurt and concerned.  They may be all the wrong reasons, but to her they are very real.  As you deal with her and her actions, please remember that her mind is from a different Era and she is most likely unable to fully process what you have gone through and how you arrived at the transitional spot that you are in.  Maybe, hopefully, with time and a little luck she will be able to wrap her brain around it and love you for who you are.
Until then, try to remember to be gentle with her.

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