Heyy, I been doing a lot thinking latley, regarding life after coming out an the start of the transition process. I've sorda touched on this in another post that I had put up earlier. I sometimes think that when I do begin the steps of transitioning that I couldn't bare the pain of what my family may think of me. The females in my family are not who I worry about because they seriously are the most excepting ppl in my life. Its all the men in my family that I worry about whether it be my dad, grandfather, uncles, or cousins. I feel like they would look down at me an think less of me...

Anyone els feel the same way about this???

I don't really know, since I'm a partial transmale and don't have to physically transition.

But it does seem to me that the parent of the same birth gender of someone transitioning would feel the most betrayed.

Males, in particular, seem the most violently opposed to males dressing or behaving in a feminine manner and often mock, tease, and abuse weaker, less masculine males as children, and even sometimes throughout life. Men typically want sons to bring them honor, and seem more likely to feel disappointment and outrage if a son fails to do that.

In my religious, patriarchal family, my parents treated my brothers with an almost devout reverence. We girls were told to get married and my mom was all about finding the right man. She did say I should get a college degree in case my husband died.

But one must remember that I'm 64 years old; expectations were different for women in 1950s.
And my mom not only had a college degree and a 4.0 grade point average in double majors of math and biology (she was planning to be a medical doctor), she was the captain of her college basketball team.

The subject line didn't quite match your question.  Bottom line - NO I would not be here today if I had dropped everyone.

This is what my experience is:
My sister is my biggest advocate...Sisterly love and all that.
My brother is understanding and is being nice about it.
My father is in denial.  He'll be surprised the next time I travel the 1200 miles to see him
My 20 something daughter and son are accepting, but don't want to talk about it.

All my friends -
6 women out of the many dozens I've told actually talk to me about it (A lot!)
0 men out of the 10-15 that I've told bring it up.

Basically "They don't care" is the theme.   As long as you don't throw it in their face (wear inappropriate clothes/make-up for your age and/or occasion etc...) there's a good chance they won't look at you much differently than before.  They may think it's weird and don't understand it but I'm not hearing about it AT ALL.  BUT I'm telling/told people months before any visible changes took/take place.  I'm growing out my hair and have been for 6 months just to get people used to the idea.

  Only the few ladies that I talk to about it care and are keeping an eye out on me.  Honestly, one of the 6 ladies noticed my demeanor one day and kept me from doing something really REALLY stupid.  Let's just say I owe her my life. And for that reason alone, I don't think throwing away everyone you know is a good idea.

One thing that may invalidate all I've said is religion. If there is some strong belief that Trans* people are an abomination to God (I hope their God is merciful on them) then you have a totally different issue.  If there is no religion involved you are one step ahead.

Thanks for the responses, let me begin by saying that I'm a pessimist. Not a glass half full type of person, I see the negative in everything. With that being said! We all come from different walks of life an on top of that we as individuals handle/see situations differently. I myself couldn't handle the amount of baggage that comes with transitioning. For the past 5 years I have been isolateing an distancing myself from my family. Not because I don't get along with them or anything along those lines but I feel like when I do decide to make that step I would have to leave them behind. That's just how I feel at the moment about the whole thing...

Its a lousy feeling when your sitting around with family when all the sudden some makes a rude remark or cracks a joke about a transgender person. An your jus t sitting there feeling completely sad with emotions of shame.

If I upped sticks and just left never telling my father/his family where I was, I think that would be a lousy thing for me to do to them for that particular reason (without giving them a chance)... but as it happens that's exactly what I did to one half of the family for different reasons. So I can't say that would a terrible thing to do because I've done it and I don't feel bad about it.

But if it was for the trans reason, I'd tell them first, if they have a problem then after that, it ain't my fault. You never know, they may accept you. Or deal with it better than you think. Either way if you just vanish, they are going to be thinking negatively of you or are going to be concerned.

I basically lost most of my family after I left home and they never knew where I was for years. Wasn't so hard. Most of them were awful people anyway.

Vanessa,

I went into this with the expectation that I would lose everything -- or rather, that I was willing to sacrifice everything.  Everything was on the table.  I was not going to fail because I was unwilling to let anything go.  And yes, that included all my relationships, as well as every penny to my name, every possession, every title, every privilege.

As it turned out, I was lucky.  My parents and sister stuck through this with me.  Some friends became distant acquaintances that I never see anymore; all the rest are now gone, scattered to the wind. 

But now I have a new job, a new city to live in, I've had new lovers, new friends.  My life is a woman's life, nothing more, nothing less.  And it was all completely worth it. 

Make sure to do your research before you talk. If you have a therapist, drill them about what to say. There is a ton of information on the wiki log. Pops and the boys will probably respond with what they think they know. That we choose our destiny. The more I read from the people on this site, the more I think, most of us really don't have a choice. So it is important to give him / them the medical facts.

Quote from: VenessaKyle on December 29, 2016, 04:16:11 PM
Its a lousy feeling when your sitting around with family when all the sudden some makes a rude remark or cracks a joke about a transgender person. An your jus t sitting there feeling completely sad with emotions of shame.

I visited my Nephew this summer. We had not seen each other in a while. He said he could spot a transperson a mile away. It was just before I started my HRT. I said to him. Oh really? My sister who I had told earlier almost split a gut when she heard me say that. 9 out of 10 people don't care that I have decided to fulfill my desire to be the person I was supposed to be. Including my wife and kids.

My brother, sister and their families accepted me. My brother in law still uses my dead name. My Mom and Dad are deceased. I sent a message to my one cousins in July and got a response they love me.

I saw my cousins in the early summer. They are all heavy drinkers and some do drugs too. I was sitting with them at a table at a bar-b-Q and the one cousin starts describing his motorcycle trip with his wife to Martha's Vineyard.  The he said there are a lot of ....... and the conversation went down hill fast. I sat there and cringed but did not say anything. That will not happen again.

My ex-wife and daughter will not be seen with me in public and treat me poorly. They will be moving out relatively soon. I lost them but gave them a chance to accept me. I know where I stand with them.

Quote from: Sophia Sage on December 29, 2016, 05:47:35 PM
I went into this with the expectation that I would lose everything -- or rather, that I was willing to sacrifice everything.  Everything was on the table.  I was not going to fail because I was unwilling to let anything go.  And yes, that included all my relationships, as well as every penny to my name, every possession, every title, every privilege.

I went into it with the same expectation.  That I would lose everyone and everything.  I think it's important to realize that before anyone begins transitioning, because it absolutely can happen.

For me, I lost all family and relatives with the exception of 2.  And it was definitely still worth it.

Each situation is different but I regret not having dropped my family well at least some of them a long time ago.... I am stealth ... I had the entire  shebang changed....i pass really really well....it is hearbreaking that my very sisters are the ones who out me to people behind my back and when we have little fights they would go as far as threatening to call boyfriends or work to out me.... Hurts..... And recently I discovered that my younger sister made me as a case study project with my full real names  in her Psychology class....  Hurts....   

Quote from: Miss Lux on December 30, 2016, 02:30:16 AM
Each situation is different but I regret not having dropped my family well at least some of them a long time ago.... I am stealth ... I had the entire  shebang changed....i pass really really well....it is hearbreaking that my very sisters are the ones who out me to people behind my back and when we have little fights they would go as far as threatening to call boyfriends or work to out me.... Hurts..... And recently I discovered that my younger sister made me as a case study project with my full real names  in her Psychology class....  Hurts....   

Isn't that unethical? I never see full names, even on student reports. (Shut up, AnxietyDisorder)

I had to go low contact with my family. Transitioning was something I needed to do and I wasn't going to give them a veto. But my mother is a narcissist, so the family dynamics are pretty messed up to begin with.

Yeah... I know it is

That's weird, but I did that..I suddenly moved to Thailand in 2010 to teach, and left my family behind.
I wanted nothing more to do with them, and for good reason.

But a few months after moving here, I read the book Transgender Voices: Beyond Women and Men and realized I had always thought of myself as male.

Two years later, a high school friend transitioning to female outed me as male, so I did some reading and saw that I'm partially transmale.

I then told my family, but they just ignored me. Or had no idea what I was talking about.

If I were a male transitioning to female they would have no doubt been upset, but I wasn't important enough.

I haven't dropped anyone, and I won't.  I no longer have parents, and I don't have kids, which makes life easier. 

One brother is happy for me and supportive.  The other, I am not out to.  When I come out to him, I am not expecting a positive reaction.  He may drop me from his life.  It won't be me doing the dropping.

Of the other people I am out to, mostly email friends, I had one noncommittal response.  The others have all been enthusiastically positive.

Even my brother, whose reaction I worry about, I feel bad about pre-judging him.  He could pleasantly surprise me.  I hope so.  I have never had the luxury of having a lot of friends or family close to me, so I can't afford to drop anyone without a good reason.  Now, if someone reacts with hellfire and brimstone, then, yes, they'll be history.  But I want to give everyone a chance to welcome the new me.

I've always been more in the camp of fully expecting everyone to ghost *me.* (Not the other way around.)
However, whatever we tend to put out into the universe we get back, so it pays to be positive about it.

Quote from: VenessaKyle on December 29, 2016, 02:48:36 PM
I sometimes think that when I do begin the steps of transitioning that I couldn't bare the pain of what my family may think of me.

Its all the men in my family that I worry about whether it be my dad, grandfather, uncles, or cousins. I feel like they would look down at me an think less of me...

The whole thing about transitioning (to me) is not just changing clothes or body parts or anything external. The most important thing,  and maybe the hardest is how you view yourself. You list a few people that will be hard to deal with. You left out the hardest, you. You have to learn during transition to accept yourself. You say good bye to your old image and hello to the new. It is hard. It happens gradually. A step at a time, you get confidence. If you are sure you want/need to transition, relax. It doesn't happen in one day. Give yourself permission to not be perfect, to have some  things be harder than others. Know that you are doing what you must. Try to get others to understand, but in the end, it is your life, your happiness, live it the way you think is best. Others have their decisions to make and the only control you have over that is to present what you are doing in your life as clearly and honestly as you can when you come out.
Monica

Quote from: Angela Drakken on December 30, 2016, 03:02:24 PM
I've always been more in the camp of fully expecting everyone to ghost *me.* (Not the other way around.)
However, whatever we tend to put out into the universe we get back, so it pays to be positive about it.

That's what I had expected, and was explicitly told would happen by wife-departing.

I now have more friends, more social contacts, and a busier social calendar than when I was playing the role of her spouse.  My therapist commented on this as being the result of my finally being liberated, free to be myself after all these decades. We just don't interact very much while in hiding.

It's an interesting change in my transition, unexpected but welcome.


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Quote from: Michelle_P on December 30, 2016, 03:24:43 PM
That's what I had expected, and was explicitly told would happen by wife-departing.

I now have more friends, more social contacts, and a busier social calendar than when I was playing the role of her spouse.  My therapist commented on this as being the result of my finally being liberated, free to be myself after all these decades. We just don't interact very much while in hiding.

It's an interesting change in my transition, unexpected but welcome.

Thanks Michelle, that's reassuring, but I've always been very well liked when being someone I'm not. =( People seem to prefer the 'fake' me.. (Family, friends and work included.) Still, I'm trying to remain forever the optimist.