Quote from: Angela Drakken on December 30, 2016, 03:36:20 PM
Thanks Michelle, that's reassuring, but I've always been very well liked when being someone I'm not. =( People seem to prefer the 'fake' me.. (Family, friends and work included.) Still, I'm trying to remain forever the optimist.

Well, part of it is making an explicit effort to move outside my comfort zone and deliberately engage others.  I was in a therapy group and made friends there, then expanded to a social trans group for dinners and meetups, which also helped.  There have been events at the local LGBTQ center and support groups.  More recently I've started attending a Unitarian Universalist church, and have joined several active groups there, to try and broaden my social life beyond just folks united by gender issues.

Still, being on my own, and not having to check any possible activities with the sad old man, or wife-departing, has opened me up a bit.


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Quote from: Michelle_P on December 30, 2016, 03:45:00 PM
Well, part of it is making an explicit effort to move outside my comfort zone and deliberately engage others.  I was in a therapy group and made friends there, then expanded to a social trans group for dinners and meetups, which also helped.  There have been events at the local LGBTQ center and support groups.  More recently I've started attending a Unitarian Universalist church, and have joined several active groups there, to try and broaden my social life beyond just folks united by gender issues.

I still have far too much anxiety to go that far. >.< Even joining this message board was a huge step for me.

Quote from: Angela Drakken on December 30, 2016, 03:51:05 PM
I still have far too much anxiety to go that far. >.< Even joining this message board was a huge step for me.

Small steps, just take small steps. It's how most of us handled this.

I presented as myself at the therapist several times before I tried anything else. After the second session as myself the therapist started asking me about where I would go after the session, and hinted that "home" wasn't the right answer.

I tried going to a Starbucks next door after a session, my first time in a public place. No problem there. A few weeks later I tried a grocery,not one of my regular stops. Again, no problem. I tried an Ulta, the same one I had gone to in male drag to get foundation and primer.  No problem. After my first appointment at my gender therapist (btw, she's only seen Michelle, never him), I got a late breakfast at a bakery chain (Boudin).

Small steps, eventually pushing myself to try one new place a week as myself. After 5 months, I was doing the grocery shopping, running errands, almost everything outside the house as myself.

Was I anxious? Oh, yes, especially at first. It took me a while to realize that people aren't actively playing "spot the transperson".  I was just another person on the street, another customer in the shop. Well, til I opened my mouth anyway. [emoji6] There just was nothing to be anxious about.

I'm about to try buying something in an Apple Store. Will I get called out, everyone turning and pointing?  Probably not ...  [emoji56]

Back on topic, in spite of my ex-spouses threat/promise that nobody would accept me she is the only one.  My daughters both talk with me regularly. My older daughter has gone to dinner with me. My son has stayed overnight at my bachelorette pad. I visit my mother-in-law weekly. I visit with my sister-in-law when she's in the area. In fact,my in-laws have been wonderful and supportive.

Even without the family and friends I would have transitioned. Honestly, I wouldn't want or keep friends who turned their backs on me. There are billions of people out there, millions in this region, and among those are people I could easily be friends with. I just haven't met them yet.

My health and sanity are more important that unsupportive friends and family. I've lived my life trying to avoid making people uncomfortable with me. Now I finally see that I have to live my life for me.

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Quote from: Michelle_P on December 30, 2016, 05:15:54 PM
Small steps, just take small steps. It's how most of us handled this.

I presented as myself at the therapist several times before I tried anything else. After the second session as myself the therapist started asking me about where I would go after the session, and hinted that "home" wasn't the right answer.

I tried going to a Starbucks next door after a session, my first time in a public place. No problem there. A few weeks later I tried a grocery,not one of my regular stops. Again, no problem. I tried an Ulta, the same one I had gone to in male drag to get foundation and primer.  No problem. After my first appointment at my gender therapist (btw, she's only seen Michelle, never him), I got a late breakfast at a bakery chain (Boudin).

Small steps, eventually pushing myself to try one new place a week as myself. After 5 months, I was doing the grocery shopping, running errands, almost everything outside the house as myself.

Was I anxious? Oh, yes, especially at first. It took me a while to realize that people aren't actively playing "spot the transperson".  I was just another person on the street, another customer in the shop. Well, til I opened my mouth anyway. [emoji6] There just was nothing to be anxious about.

I'm about to try buying something in an Apple Store. Will I get called out, everyone turning and pointing?  Probably not ...  [emoji56]

See, I've never really 'presented' as anything, even when in full girly mode, I was just, existing. And on the weekends its still this way, I guess you could say the only presenting I do is at work when I have to show up and look like everyone else, grunt, scratch, and swing my hammer. (After full blown panic mode on Monday mornings the odd time when I wake up with makeup residue and nail polish still on..)

I'm sorry, I'm really derailing this thread >.< I'll stop now.

It's OK, hon.  I'm sure The Management understands.  We're all here to help each other.


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@Angela  Your personality goes with you, even when you transition, I think.

If you attracted people before, you could have even more friends after you feel happy and relaxed about yourself.

Quote from: Raell on December 30, 2016, 06:20:15 PM
@Angela  Your personality goes with you, even when you transition, I think.

If you attracted people before, you could have even more friends after you feel happy and relaxed about yourself.

You're all so nice.

Quote from: Angela Drakken on December 30, 2016, 05:22:26 PM
See, I've never really 'presented' as anything, even when in full girly mode, I was just, existing. And on the weekends its still this way, I guess you could say the only presenting I do is at work when I have to show up and look like everyone else, grunt, scratch, and swing my hammer. (After full blown panic mode on Monday mornings the odd time when I wake up with makeup residue and nail polish still on..)

I'm sorry, I'm really derailing this thread >.< I'll stop now.

LOL not trying to make light of your situation, but I can definitely relate to the "full blown panic..."of waking up with make-up residue still on your face, especially when your mascara an eyeliner has fully dried an your sitting trying rub it off only to make it worse an then all day you avoid making eye contact with anyone whom you come across...=\

None of my male friends would be understanding and all I guess will call me behind my back and disown me when they find out, but I have distanced myself a bit any ways and no longer go drinking which is the only thing we did together anyway.

I am not over concerned, I have nothing in common with them apart from drinking, and when I am with them they only talk about the construction industry in which they work and I have no interest in, I usually just stand there listen to very uninteresting talk about building or plumbing and get drunk.

My aunties are the most supportive.

It really depends, but it can surprise you. Growing up one of the most progressive states (Washington) is a blessing so most of my male friends really don't care and actually encourage me, those that don't I'd say drop. As for family my dad and 4 brothers were the big issue. My father is a retired veteran and is a strong Christian, but when I came out to him he surprised me by actually saying he was expecting it, and telling me he understands and he had a friend the same way. But that's just my family, not sure about yours. But a simple answer, no, only cut some out.


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Quote from: VenessaKyle on December 30, 2016, 10:58:07 PM
LOL not trying to make light of your situation, but I can definitely relate to the "full blown panic..."of waking up with make-up residue still on your face, especially when your mascara an eyeliner has fully dried an your sitting trying rub it off only to make it worse an then all day you avoid making eye contact with anyone whom you come across...=\

Lol it's okay, I always make an effort to see the humor in it too. Levity is a great anti depressant lol

Quote from: April_Girl on December 31, 2016, 03:24:09 AM
None of my male friends would be understanding and all I guess will call me behind my back and disown me when they find out, but I have distanced myself a bit any ways and no longer go drinking which is the only thing we did together anyway.

I am not over concerned, I have nothing in common with them apart from drinking, and when I am with them they only talk about the construction industry in which they work and I have no interest in, I usually just stand there listen to very uninteresting talk about building or plumbing and get drunk.

My aunties are the most supportive.

Pretty much. And at work its always cars, snowmobiles, UFC, football and all that other nonsense, or very very crude conversations about women. 'Locker room talk' that supposedly no man would ever say! (but they all say it.)

Quote from: Angela Drakken on December 31, 2016, 09:46:40 AM
Pretty much. And at work its always cars, snowmobiles, UFC, football and all that other nonsense, or very very crude conversations about women. 'Locker room talk' that supposedly no man would ever say! (but they all say it.)

Yes they do!

I came out to my family and had no problems except one brother n law who now thinks I'm a pansy we talk and are civil to each other because of my little sister. I felt if they didn't like it,it was their problem not mine. My mom told me she always knew and told me I look better as a female then I do as a male. My family hasn't disowned me just think I am weird.

Yep.
My ex wife has kept my daughter from me for 8 years.
My brother and sister have disowned me.

Tis the chance I took.
I don't even think about it anymore.
Life moves on. I'm married to a great guy who's with the police, I'm happier than I've ever been.

I have.

So far, the experience has been quite lonely and challenging at times without any family and (offline) friends, but it's also been liberating in a way to essentially start anew and leave those toxic people behind.

I really can relate here. I have always considered this. The men and women in my family alike would both be very unsupportive of any type of transitioning or even just the idea of me feeling the way I do. However, I think it is necessary even if things don't go over well. I know personally, that I couldn't deal with the guilt of just leaving. I'd have to say something first.

I know this feeling. I talked about it in depth with my therapist during the early stages of transition. The underlying premise is one of shame.

My thinking in it was this: running away from your family and friends to transition is ending one life so you can start another. It's an idea to be careful with. It's only one step away from ending one life and not beginning another.

If there is just one person you care about who accepts you for the new person you are, then it was worth coming out instead of running away from the people who care about you. The people who don't accept you were going to be lost from your life, irrespective of whether you came out or ran away.

Stay around. Share your intimate secret with people you trust, even if it makes you vulnerable. Give people as much time as they need to adjust, answer all the questions respectfully, and quickly eject people from your life who are hateful and aggressive.

Find the courage to face up to a problem that was never your own choosing... and you'll be a better person for it.

You'll then be left with a group of people who love and accept you for the new person you are. Those who are gone would have been out of your life either way.

Yes, cisgender, heterosexual men are problematic, but you'd be surprised how people will change their views when their bigotry affects someone close to them. Besides, women run the world anyway in matters of emotion and feeling.

Get out there and live!

Big hug.

Claire


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That sounds like something I would say. Be positive about it.

Quote from: Angela Drakken on December 30, 2016, 03:02:24 PM
I've always been more in the camp of fully expecting everyone to ghost *me.* (Not the other way around.)
However, whatever we tend to put out into the universe we get back, so it pays to be positive about it.

Quote from: VenessaKyle on December 29, 2016, 02:48:36 PM
Heyy, I been doing a lot thinking latley, regarding life after coming out an the start of the transition process. I've sorda touched on this in another post that I had put up earlier. I sometimes think that when I do begin the steps of transitioning that I couldn't bare the pain of what my family may think of me. The females in my family are not who I worry about because they seriously are the most excepting ppl in my life. Its all the men in my family that I worry about whether it be my dad, grandfather, uncles, or cousins. I feel like they would look down at me an think less of me...

Anyone els feel the same way about this???

I will be soon be leaving the life I know behind. I want to start completely over. I am ready for this both mentally and, thank God, financially. I have decided that I need to be happy inside. I want to be a woman. I want to live the life of a woman. I NEED to be a woman. I AM a woman. That is the bottom line. It will mean starting all over.  Good for me.

When I cross dress, I am beautiful, even without being on hormones -- which I am starting very soon.  I feel wonderful when I am with a man. That is me. My family has given me an ultimatum. So I am gone.  At least I will be happy.

Go with your heart, girl. Do what you need to do for you, not anyone else. You have to live your life. No one can do that for you! Make yourself happy. That is what I say.

Quote from: Nina_Ottawa on January 03, 2017, 03:31:07 PM
Yep.
My ex wife has kept my daughter from me for 8 years.
My brother and sister have disowned me.

There it is.

My greatest fear is losing my sons. When things first hit the fan, my wife wanted to keep me from seeing my sons, except in the presence of a therapist.  Kind of hard to believe, because we are still legally married. Eventually that demand went away, but she certainly is not offering support, either.  My 20 year-old step-son wants nothing to do with me anymore, and told me I should "move far away" so as not to "do more damage to the family than you already have".

My sons are 14 and 10.  My teenager told me that he "doesn't care" about me being trans, but "not to do it around me". His greatest fear is his friends finding out I am trans.

My younger son still loves me, and is torn between pleasing his mother, who wants nothing to do with my transition, and pleasing me.
   
It breaks my heart.

Quote from: Nina_Ottawa on January 03, 2017, 03:31:07 PM
Tis the chance I took.
I don't even think about it anymore.

Yes, I went into this eyes wide open.  I knew this could be the price. Losing my friends, my family, and my career.  As it happened, I lost few friends, kept my career, and lost my family.

I think about it all the time, but I don't know how I could have made it different.

Quote from: Nina_Ottawa on January 03, 2017, 03:31:07 PM
Life moves on. I'm married to a great guy who's with the police, I'm happier than I've ever been.

There you go again, mirroring my thoughts.  I made my decision, and I will accept the consequences. I'm not married, but I do have a boyfriend, and he is wonderful to me. 

Am I happy?  Yes. I am happier than I have ever been in my life.  A low bar, to be sure, but I would never go back to the way things were. Transition was never supposed to solve every problem in my life, only one really big one, and it has.

With kindness,

Terri