I classify people I know in buckets, family, friends, acquaintances, coworkers and strangers.

I'm about to switch to fill-time and I think I'm going to give out (figuratively not literally) gender-pronoun passes to people who have known me as Dan. ... Unless it the mis-gendering is done with malice, then all bets are off.

For example, my wife "supports" me (well, not against me is closer) and she gets a permanent pass on screwing up.  Family and immediate friends and co workers.  After decade+ of knowing someone, I think I would probably take years to get it right, if ever.

People I just met, strangers, etc I doubt I'll be as considerate.

Anyone have any words of wisdom?


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My wife and next door neighbour get a pass until I go full-time.  I don't want them getting in the habit of calling me Kathy and then forgetting to switch when out in public.

No passes. I spent enough of my life humoring other people, it's their turn.

Thing is, my family and close friends typically have high "moral standards" for themselves and they usually enjoy the idea they have the moral high ground and are "tolerant" people. When good that means they are, but in it's worst form it can just be another sort of bigotry with which to attack.

So I give more passes to strangers and people I know less well than I do to them, because a) they don't even know me and b) family and friends have a tendency to project their standards onto me. If they are going to do that and expect the best of me, then I expect the best of them.

It's like with upbringing... I got so much diatribe from certain people about being "respectful" and "respecting others' personal space" and "being tolerant" that now if they refuse to apply these things to me it's checkmate for them. I will bring it up right then and there if they're gonna be funny about it.

I expect them to know how to behave appropriately, when and where. For people who have no idea about me, I'm not going to expect that they do.

The only person who does get a pass of sorts is my bf(?), who has to work with a bunch of racists/homophobes every day, so obviously if he wants to keep things on the DL it's fine with me.

I'm not cranky about it with people I've known a long time. As long as they are trying, I'm OK for now. It's only been a few months since I've transitioned.
For people I don't know, I expect them to be polite, but I haven't run into anyone yet being mean about it.

You will give passes at first, then you will start actively correcting them as your transition goes on. Not in a mean way. Now people I don't care about, I don't bother correcting them.  So its a sign of love!

I'm full-time Michelle now, and have been for a few months.  I'll give family members a pass for a while, while they unlearn  decades of the old name and gender.  They tend to correct each other and also apologies.  Friends who knew me, I'll push back at promptly.

Now, folks who have only known me as Michelle, or whom I've recently met are another story.   Unintentional misgendering there is simply a result of my not passing.  Oh, I'll push backwards at it, but the accidental slip in conversation just tells me that when the image of my face hits their amygdala it is getting classified as 'male.'

There is work on my part that needs to be done if I am to be accepted as female by others in my species.

I don't pass yet, and that, at a fundamental level, is my problem to address.  I can't rewire 6 billion amygdalas.

We can, through social means, try to get others to exercise some cognitive override of the primitive parts of the brain, but that is an uphill battle that we, as a tiny fraction of the population that most have never social contact with, really can't win.

I'm sorry to be such a downer about this, but it is reality.  Wishful thinking among those of us who will never pass just won't alter the image classification systems of billions of brains.


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No passes.

Well, no passes once you start presenting yourself correctly.  I wouldn't expect proper gendering prior to actual transition.

Every misgendering is an opportunity for correction, which is absolutely necessary with any relationship you wish to maintain.  (With strangers, it's not something to bother with.)  It's necessary, because a relationship that's a source of dysphoria will not be a relationship for very long.  Anyone besides immediate family who is not completely supportive in spirit is someone to drop, because this won't improve.

It wasn't until after facial surgery, though, that I began to establish stronger boundaries. Correcting a misgendering wasn't enough -- I had to establish actual consequences, namely steps that indicated the relationship itself was in danger.  With my parents, I'd leave their presence for longer and longer periods of time, explaining that they would lose me forever if they couldn't adapt.  This happened three times, and then no more, and it's been over a decade since either of them last slipped up. 

Call me anything except late for dinner is my motto! 

Now for the wise words. My best friend of fifty years said he didn't care if I wore dresses and grew boobs, he'd always be my friend. He also said I'd always be Mike to him. I understood and was glad to know he accepted me.

After I completed my name change this August he never called me Mike again, it was Devlyn, every time. 36 hours before he died I was in his hospital room and he accidentally used "he" while talking about something I had done, then immediately said "Sorry, Dev, I meant she".   

I'm gonna miss that guy.

People are going to surprise you. Some will really let you down. Remember, you're not doing this for anyone but yourself.

Hugs, Devlyn

I figure they're going to screw it up out of habit.  I'll probably correct them but won't get mad at anyone as long as it's unintentional.  At first anyway. 

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I guess that I deal with this a bit different than many but share a common theme with most of the posters on this thread. I have been out at some level for two years now, on hrt for six months and full time for two and a half months. I have two levels of passes. The first level deals with misgender allowances. There is a group of folks that have been there for me for many years; close friends and close family. As long as I feel that they are making an attempt to understand me, they have license to screw up on pronouns and name. Yes, many times this hurts but they have earned it ....for a while, for some, forever (I will never challenge my mother in law about how she chooses to address me, I love her too much). My second level of "pass" is actually a special license to a very few; my wife, my youngest son and his daughter, a few very close friends. They have the right to, when they need it, request me to pull out my old man clothes and present as the new me in the old man clothes. If my wife or my granddaughter tells me that she just really needs "Pappy" to be there for a bit, no way that I could ever say no. As I said, this is for a select few and many of those have limited rights here. There is one that is at the end of his time and he either needs to accept who I have become or move on. A big part of the  who that I have become is about loving and accepting; this, for me, has to give allowance and acceptance for those that have earned it by relationship throughout my life. And yes, it does hurt, each and every time but it just part of who the new me is. - Anne

With me, it's all about intent. If I sense malice, I'll act accordingly. Sometimes less than ladylike. If, otoh, it's about true misgnedering as Michelle pointed out, I'm not going to try to reinvent the wheel. Friends have always been considerate or at least made a concerted effort. Acquaintances fall under the "guess you don't get to be in my sphere" category and I use every effort to avoid or banish them whenever and wherever possible.

As long as it's not done maliciously and I get an immediate apology, we're good. No wholesale passes though. Then there's little incentive to ever get it right.

   Someone I work with said, "Thank you sir!" to me today. It was sweet and funny all at the same time. Why, because as soon as she did it, she jumped 90 degrees to look at me, grabbed her mouth and started to apologize profusely. "I feel so bad. I hate when I do that!" she said. So, I kind of count her as being on my side. lol People do it when they aren't thinking. The point I would make is that if you make a practice of heavy handed correcting people, what is their correction gonna be. The "sir" thing wasn't fun, but it wasn't really glaring. The correction she made would have been seen in Cleveland. I would suggest, for non hostiles anyway, to make it a joke. Correct them by threatening to get the gender police or call them the opposite gender back. I think if there is humor involved, they will remember the joke and self correct much more efficiently. For hostiles... what the hell, call them someone they hate, just for fun.
   One more note. A student at my work has made the switch to my new name after 4 months and is 100% right now. He has autism and has trouble with pronouns usually. He gets mine right 95% of the time. My hero!
Monica

My children were adults and I give them a bit of leeway. They won't call me dad and I don't expect them to. They will use my name instead of mom (other than one daughter, )and that is OK.  BTW, that one daughter is also conscious of publicly not calling me anything, most times. I can forgive the occasional slips.

My wife has some brain injury and so I expected her not to cope very well but it was just the opposite. I remember her telling some of her carers off for mis-pronouning me.

"Cindy is a she not a he so when you call her he it is very rude so stop and call him her."

By which time I didn't know what to call myself!

Quote from: Cindy on January 04, 2017, 08:43:20 PM
My wife has some brain injury and so I expected her not to cope very well but it was just the opposite. I remember her telling some of her carers off for mis-pronouning me.

"Cindy is a she not a he so when you call her he it is very rude so stop and call him her."

By which time I didn't know what to call myself!

Too funny! She sounds like a sweetie.

Last semester I had several professors who continued to call me Susan even after I changed my name to Steven on the school registrar (and I'm pretty sure they would have noticed the change if they hadn't been notified automatically), and I know I probably shouldn't have given passes, but I don't do well with confrontations because Social Anxiety. Thankfully the professors I will have next semester have never known me as Susan (except for one, who already calls me Steven), but if they call me a girl or use she pronouns, I hope I will have the courage to speak up.

Quote from: Cindy on January 04, 2017, 08:43:20 PM
My wife has some brain injury and so I expected her not to cope very well but it was just the opposite. I remember her telling some of her carers off for mis-pronouning me.

"Cindy is a she not a he so when you call her he it is very rude so stop and call him her."

By which time I didn't know what to call myself!

I hope I will be able to meet her!

Quote from: Anne Blake on January 04, 2017, 04:10:35 PMMy second level of "pass" is actually a special license to a very few; my wife, my youngest son and his daughter, a few very close friends. They have the right to, when they need it, request me to pull out my old man clothes and present as the new me in the old man clothes. If my wife or my granddaughter tells me that she just really needs "Pappy" to be there for a bit, no way that I could ever say no.

I would suggest you consider (and hence emotionally prepare) that a time will come when you find this is no longer acceptable.