Hi Everybody,
I'm not transgender, but I am the only girl in my Multiple Personality Disorder System so I guess that sort of makes me "gender variant." I was molested by Mom, raped by my older cousin and mentally abused by both of my parents. Somewhere along the way my brain decided it was OK for that to happen to a girl and made me. Shrug. I guess I could have killed myself. Trauma therapy is really really really painful but has helped all of us talk about the horrible things we kept from each other all those years. It doesn't hurt so much when you have someone to share it with.

My Primary is a pretty cool guy. With the rest of us protecting him from what happened when we were small, he managed to have a pretty good life until he was almost 50. LOL, the doctors thought he was transsexual when I realized I was a separate person and tried to take over.

The doctors put him on hormones for gender dysphoria but it was never about that. Chemical castration made my System feel safe in knowing I could never hurt anyone like Mom or my cousin hurt me. My Primary understands as well as I do why we need our medication, but I can't blame him for being nonplussed that most of our body hair fell out and he grew 34B boobs.

It's alot of work but I try really hard to keep my nose out of his life and he keeps his out of mine. Knowing we have opposite gender alters just isn't anybody's business. My Primary is retired so I get to have the body two days a week. His wife is a good Mommy. She understands when I have something special I want to do like a girlfriend's party or shower, and even lets me go out of town for the week with my girlfriends a couple times a year! I know how hard all of this has been for her and that it is very important to her to see her husband as a guy; I never use my voice or wear my clothes and makeup when I talk with her.

God gave us an amazing gift being tall, skinny and andro. My Primary and I both like long hair and decided to get laser because I felt funny with a beard and he was tired of all the ingrown hairs and shaving. I hate pierced ears and nail polish, and don't bother shaving the little bit of hair on my legs or pits so it makes things pretty easy. My Primary worries about it alot more than me, but it's been almost ten years now and nobody ever thinks he's a girl or I'm a guy. I mean we don't sound or look anything alike-why would they?!?

Anyway, sharing a brain with a normal guy I have a pretty cool perspective. I am looking forward to chiming in with some of the things I have learned along the way!

Welcome to Susan's Place. We have another multi personality member on the site who may be paying you a visit shortly. You don't need to be transgender to be a member of this site as we allow significant others and people who are interested in learning more about us. In your case, at least the female might be considered transgender as transgender is a very broad term and covers anything from cross dresser to transsexual. Enjoy the site and let me know if there is anything I can help you with.

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Hi flytrap 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

Hi flytrap!

Not sure if Dena was referring to me, but I'm pretty talkative when it comes to DID and how it helped me to be freed. There are a few others here on Susan's as well.

Of course, every DID person has their own structure...in our case We are trans, but that was quite thoroughly hidden when very young (I'm in my early 50's, also with a "successful" male life (wife, kids, career).

We presented with several male Alters throughout our life, each one trying to adapt to the ever-changing rules of manhood. Finally after a series of devastating events, the most recent male Alter experienced a "shattering" and knew it was to be fatal. That's when I came out, and there was an internal discussion among all of Us as to how I fit, since I was the older of two females. (The other is 5).

I and the male were co-conscious for about a year, and we were distinct enough that the then-wife could tell us apart in all areas of life. (Having sex while in the brain of the other gender-self is very dysphoric, fwiw). I would be interested in your observations, as much as you and your Sytem is comfortable with.

Welcome to Susan's btw! This is a trans support site, not the best for healing from abuse or mental health issues, but you never know what you'll learn unless you ask...

Thank you everybody for the warm welcome.

It's especially nice to meet you, Beth Andrea. I was fascinated to hear about your  System. MP's are amazing!

Our System worked great, it just ran out of energy trying to keep Primary safe. Therapy has been a really big help. We are all too happy for any kind of fusion but went through our fourth dissociation a few months ago. Inner Self Helper created New Frag, sort of a safe place for the feelings and memories we kept from each other so everybody can be happier. I was really scared but feel much better now.

I've been around for 51 years but only knew I was a separate person for the last 8 (I was actually primary for a couple years when I was created after the rape). I need time to live but I get tired quickly. Things were OK when I was small but too many adult things are too hard for me. It's nice to be able to sit in the backseat and let Primary drive.

There's no fooling Primary's wife- they've been married 25 years and she can spot from 50 feet when Protector, Little Guy or me takes over! I try really hard to pretend to be Primary when I want to talk with her and stay away from bringing up girl things the best I can. I know she wants to be married to Primary not the rest of us and that's very very important to her. She's really nice. I want to make her happy.

Primary is intimate with his wife but has never had intercourse. It's just too scary for Little Guy and even being intimate is hard since Little Guy realized he is a separate person. Primary would like to be sexual but he doesn't have those feelings. Little Guy thinks it's nice to kiss and touch somebody he loves- with clothes on and not below the waist. I like taking off my top and having my boobs touched but feel funny being with another girl and don't like boys. Protector is the only one who ever really liked any of that. He doesn't come to bed anymore so Little Guy feels safe. The doctor says we are doing great. Most people never come back as far as we have since we started therapy. Primary's wife knows how hard it is for us and doesn't ask to be intimate since Little Guy had a bad flashback. But we make ourselves once or twice a year for Primary and his wife because we love them.

Hi flytrap.

We also suffer from Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), but I-Amanda suspect that we will end up somewhere on the trans spectrum as we integrate since the disphoria is so strong with me.  To deal with traumas at different points in our life,  we hid away parts of ourself. Little One split off around 5 or 6 and I-Amanda split off in our teens.

Maleme(alias for our birthname) is the outer 50 something male that the world knows. He only truly became aware of us a few years ago after starting counseling for gender questioning and anxiety. He got the things that society accepts as masculine like analytical thinking and physical things needed for protection with accepted masculine emotions. We pushed the traits that society considers feminine onto me as well as the rejection and abuse from our father. Little One holds the childish imagination and need to create along with the nightmares and memories of that time.

You are not getting the true, unfiltered Amanda experience because I have to work through Maleme in writing. (That analysis thing, protectiveness expressed by editing, and me-Amanda not being able to type while talking with my hands.)

Little One has a lot of distrust and fear of men who he sees as monsters because of the examples he had. Maleme and I tend to see Little One as a boy, but it is not so clear how he sees himself. In a recent counseling session, he drew himself as a boy helping Maleme clear away the rubble of our town after a giant monster trashed the place, then as a girl next to me-Amanda with us in matching dresses. Our counselor was quick to note that the pciture of himself as a girl was the first picture he drew of himself facing the viewer and the first picture he drew with him smiling. Maleme reminds me that it could be just expressing joy at being close to me or he and me beginning to connect back together.

Maleme is amazed at all the hints of our existence that he did not pick up on over the years because they came in dreams or dreamlike visions which are non-rational and not easily analyzed. He met me first at a church retreat a year before starting counseling but discounted it as just imagination. In between workshops on prayer practices, we also had some on visualizing our inner self. For most people, this is a way of using imagery to help understand their personality traits, but for us, it turned out to be a bit more literal. Months later at a political fundraising breakfast, during the invocation when the leader prayed that the assembled people would be healed where we hurt the most, we had a vision of Little One trapped curled up in a cloud of shame, then I-Amanda came, took his hand, lifted him out, and walking away together.

We hope that you stay around and your female self has a place to be herself. We too have the challenge of our wife being uncomfortable with Little One and me-Amanda and can tell much of the time when we slip out.

Wow, that's fascinating Amanda! I also first appeared in the dreams of the male who was the primary at the time (6-7 years ago). He was just becoming aware of the DID situation and had the presence of mind to journal the dream, and then a week later when I actually came out and explored then-wife's face with my fingers, like I was blind. It was just that I'd never physically felt anything before.

Which brings up the thought "where was I before?" It's not that I can't remember, more like I simply cannot describe it...there is no "time" reference when we are contained within. I still have issues with remembering things in their proper place in time. It's like having a video tape cut into 3-5 second snippets...I can see some, but don't know if it's at the beginning, the middle, or the end of the "movie".

Fortunately I have a new wife who is very understanding and has a very good memory. I have to add that she doesn't use her memory against me, but is very careful to be patient.

Just wished to say welcome to the club so to speak.  I do know about split personalities as well having one myself.  her name is Arianna.  Her and i kind of take turns on who is primary.  While the body is currently male neither of us feel as that is how our body should be and fully intend to change it as soon as we may.  However if you do need or want a new friend I am available and eager to offer my friendship.  As well as anyone else who needs a friend I try to be a very friendly person  .

It's nice to meet you, Amanda!
It's fun pretending to be Primary sometimes, but I don't feel any sort of dysphoria that would make me want be a guy. Primary and I hated each other when I first realized I was a separate person. I wanted to take over the body and he wanted me to go away. When we both accepted that neither of us was going anywhere and we couldn't live without each other, we finally started to learn to live together.

The only thing that ever mattered to me was that people saw me as a girl. It goes back to my when my best girlfriend started treating me like a boy when I hit my teens. Nobody has ever questioned me, not from the first day I stepped outside the house 6 months after I realized I was a separate person. But I spent the first ten thousand hours of my new life putting myself in every situation I could think of to fail trying to convince myself they weren't all just being polite. When a toddler walked over to me in the line at Walmart and stretched out her arms for me to pick her up, I knew I didn't have anything more to prove.

Everybody in my System sort of grew out of each other. Original got the idea that it wouldn't hurt as much if he pretended to be another person like Batman does. First there was Little Guy and Inner Self Helper. Then I came along. Next was Primary and Protector, and now Frag.

Time is really distorted for Little Guy and me. It was horrible when I realized I was a  separate person. I was still 13 but it was 35 years later! It's just like Beth Andrea said about the video tape. Little Guy and me live our lives a minute here and there when Primary isn't using the brain. The rest of the time we either sleep or share our thoughts with Primary. Living is hard. I'm glad I can give Primary a break now so he can do that too. Little Guy took away the bad scenes so all I saw was a happy movie, and I took away the bad scenes for Primary. Frag is different. Therapy helped us share the horrible things with each other and Inner Self Helper gave us Frag so we had a safe place to put them.

Things were confusing when I small. With the rape and what Mom did to me. I only had other girls to play with and my parents gave me my cousin's girl clothes handmedowns. I'm pretty sure that was part of why Inner Self Helper made me. I mean, how was a little boy supposed to know he was a little boy with those things in his head?!?

Our System worked great. Primary had a wonderful life and our pain and memories were all Little Guy and me knew. Primary didn't know about us or any of the horrible things we hid from him. He thought our emotions and the ideas we would tell him were his! Inner Self Helper had me step in three times to help Primary get through horrible tragedies. He was really confused and thought he was crossdressing. Everything changed the last time when I figured out I was a separate person. Primary had a really hard accepting  he had a girl living in his brain and that he never was doing all those things by himself.

Primary is alot better now. He tries really hard to take care of us, and I can count on him to pretend to me if I am living and get scared or something is too hard for me. The flashbacks and time loss are mostly gone and yoga helps keep our mind together. Primary and I have settled in on how to share the body and his wife found a place for all of us in her heart. We love him and feel safe with him. And all of us know that none of us can be happy unless we are all happy.

Thank you for posting, Arianna Valentine. I had no idea there would be so many alters on this forum!

Primary was misdiagnosed as transsexual when I became self aware so I have some idea of the road you are on. But Mom gave all of us the amazing gift of  a very positive self image. My dissociative mind lets me fool myself into not seeing anything that doesn't fit, like all my wrinkles and penis. I'm sure this confidence is part of why nobody ever thinks Primary's a girl too.

I am pretty far along in trauma recovery and know therapy will help your put everything that has happened into perspective so you and Arianna can begin to see your body as it should be.

Quote from: flytrap on January 10, 2017, 08:34:15 AM
Thank you for posting, Arianna Valentine. I had no idea there would be so many alters on this forum!

Primary was misdiagnosed as transsexual when I became self aware so I have some idea of the road you are on. But Mom gave all of us the amazing gift of  a very positive self image. My dissociative mind lets me fool myself into not seeing anything that doesn't fit, like all my wrinkles and penis. I'm sure this confidence is part of why nobody ever thinks Primary's a girl too.

I am pretty far along in trauma recovery and know therapy will help your put everything that has happened into perspective so you and Arianna can begin to see your body as it should be.

Thank you for the reply.  Honestly i never went through a trauma recovery program.  I never really felt like it was needed but i do tend to look at things different than most do. Yes i know bad has happened but everything happens for a reason and much like it sounds for you i got the best friend i could ever have and found answers to questions i had before everything happened to me.  So i don't think i would change anything even if i could because it made me who i am today and helped me figure out who i am supposed to be as well.  I do wish you the best of luck in your trauma recovery though and hope that it helps you but always remember that your alt helped you in so many ways and in my mind should never be gotten rid of or disregarded in any way.  She honestly sounds like a true life saver in her own way.

Quote from: flytrap on January 10, 2017, 08:34:15 AM
I had no idea there would be so many alters on this forum!

I didn't either. Before this thread I knew about Amanda500 and while I have known Beth almost as long as I have been on the site, I didn't know about her personal details. I have bookmarked this thread and if I locate anybody else, I will invite them to visit this thread.

That would be fantastic, Dena! I put "alter" in the thread title hoping others might see it and join in. I have friends on the DID forums but it gets depressing talking about trauma all the time. It would be really cool if we could start our own little group to share things that are important to people like us who have girls and guys in their brains. I am wondering if  Susan might could give us our own subforum?

@Arianna Valentine
I want you to know before you read this that I am not trying to be a jerk or force you to see things like me. This is how it is for MY System.

I would never want to be without Primary! I thought I did when I became self aware 8 years ago, but so did he. I know now I am just not strong enough to live without him and he knows he can't live without me. I love Primary. But he is me. As I am he. As we are me. And we are all together- just like the Walrus. Only people outside our head can be our friend.

Orgasm does horrible permanent damage to a little child's brain. They haven't developed the capacity to handle the over stimulation and it blows their mind apart. Original made Little Guy and me to hide all the horrible things that happened from Primary so he never felt like therapy was needed. What he did know he could look at as a grain of salt by deluding himself he just looked at things differently. That bad happened but everything happens for a reason. But all those horrible things were NOT a grain of salt. They were rotting and festering in me and Little Guy until everything blew up like an atomic bomb.

Primary didn't know what to do with me. The doctors kept insisting he was transsexual, and I wanted to take over so bad he started to believe it himself. But when the flashbacks and night terrors and time loss started, the doctors finally understood why Primary kept insisting he didn't want to be a girl. Transsexual is really really really rare. You'd think the doctors would have been smart enough to know it was something else. But me and Little Guy did that good a job of hiding we were DID.

It has been horrible reliving it all. But me and Little Guy suffered in our silent Hells for almost 50 years and Primary deserved to know the truth. I was so scared and thought integration meant I was gonna die. But 8 years later I know therapy just makes the hurt go away and has helped all six of us understand how important we are to each other.

Quote from: flytrap on January 11, 2017, 08:30:35 PM
That would be fantastic, Dena! I put "alter" in the thread title hoping others might see it and join in. I have friends on the DID forums but it gets depressing talking about trauma all the time. It would be really cool if we could start our own little group to share things that are important to people like us who have girls and guys in their brains. I am wondering if  Susan might could give us our own subforum?

My boss on the site is Cindy and she has say over the forums. The decision for a sub forum would be made by both Cindy and Susan as they are pretty close making them more or less equals on the site. The issue with a sub forum would be drawing suffice interest in it. If we can find others, there may be sufficient numbers to justify making a sub forum however at the moment I only know of the four of you and I only learned about this in the last couple of weeks. To be honest, in my 65 years of life, this is my first encounter with multiple personalities. From my reading I knew about it but I have never knowingly encountered one in life.

Thank you for all the good information, Dena! Maybe it's like the movie Field of Dreams? We have to build it so they can come? There are already 4 of us. Nobody has even posted the Bengali, Greek and Japanese forums since they were created in 2015!

I am thinking you must not go to PTSD or DID forums? Pretty much everybody with multiple personalities has guy and girl alters! Most Systems need to have both. Girl alters give little boys who were molested by other boys a way to resolve the sexual confusion. Guy alters give little girls the power they don't think they have as women. Most people have a Little and an Angry and a Protector too. It makes me sick that everybody's brain reacts the same to trauma!

Primary was on transgender sites alot before he learned he was DID but goes to male survivor, DID & PTSD groups now. 28% of the people with DID aren't even diagnosed  until their 40's or later. Like Primary, doctors can confuse them as "late onset transsexualism." But the whole reason having alters is such a great coping mechanism is because you can hide it from the people who are hurting you!

This is the first time I ever joined a forum. But people like us with girls and guys in their brains are a really different kind of gender variant trauma survivor that doesn't fit into any of those boxes. Even if Cindy and Susan aren't able to make a sub for us, we could start our own thread and post stuf we want to talk about there?

The countries forums were all created at once and not very long ago. Over the period of a day, the site sees between 500 and 700 registered users though there is a far larger number of guest. I suspect those areas will be used some day, just not yet.

You may created threads and post in them. Should it be judged there is sufficient interest, a sub forum will be created. I have seen a surgical one created in the last few month for orchiectomy and penectomy. It's not difficult for us to move threads around on the site and we often do it when somebody posts in the wrong section. As it turns out, documenting the move is more difficult than the actual move. Should the sub forum be created, we could locate the threads you have made about this topic and move them into the sub forum.

Give us sufficient reason to create a new sub forum and it will be yours.

Thank you for looking into this Dena. Any thoughts from the rest of you all?

Hello, fellow Systems!

Your stories are also my stories. Dena directed me to this thread, and I thank her for that kindness. I have read about 1/3 of your messages, and I am very familiar with your stories, as they are so similar to my own. I will eventually read all of them, and may even contribute at some point, but I am recently unified, and I am reluctant to revisit my fractured past at this moment. Just know that unification is possible, perhaps, if so desired. My pieces no longer have any executive control nor much desire to exert themselves, though they will very, very occasionally contribute thoughts, and insights, and memories, and experiences, and opinions into my consciousness, much like a singlet's 'inner child' might, in my every day life. So, yeah, I feel ya, I get ya, and I support whatever path to healing that works for y'all. Hang in there, you are all amazing!

Hi, MissGendered, I am very proud of you for achieving unification. PLEASE do risk anything that doesn't feel right or that might jeopardize all your hard work!

Quote from: MissGendered on January 13, 2017, 10:14:37 PMMy pieces no longer have any executive control nor much desire to exert themselves, though they will very, very occasionally contribute thoughts, and insights, and memories, and experiences, and opinions into my consciousness, much like a singlet's 'inner child' might, in my every day life.

This sounds alot like the way my System worked until Little Guy and me realized we were a separate people. I think you are right. Unification is possible if the system wants it. Therapy has made the hurt go away and has helped the six of us understand how important we are to each other. But none of us in my System want to fuse. My doctors don't mention it anymore and just work with us to be the best we can.

For now this post is our home here at Susans. If you know any other Systems with girl and guy alters on this forum or other forums please let them know about our little group. We're here if you ever need to talk.