So, I've posted here but it's been a few months. I'm drawn back because I need community, but also advice. Here goes..
I've always felt broken, disconnected. Since a teenager (I'm almost 30 now), I've carried a very strong self loathing that has not been given to me from outside of myself. I grew up in a christian home, but never had any sense of anti queer, and it never really came up in church. I was never abused, I didn't experience trauma, and I have not given in to substance use as a means to cope. But still, I carry this rock. It comes in different forms, like when I'd do worse on a college essay and feel like a total failure. Or looking in the mirror after Thanksgiving dinner and wishing I hadn't picked up a fork. Little things that call up this terrible overwhelming sense of contempt.
In July, I started the process of acknowledging a difference of identity that I hadn't been able to accept before. I started wearing makeup, and got a new job where I could be as nongender or bigender or whatever I wanted to be on any given day. Now, I often wear heels with a full face of makeup and a combo of men's and women's clothes (though never as a full woman), and I feel wonderful doing so. I've gone out a couple of times as (haven't chosen a female name yet), and been welcomed by friends and people I meet out. In other words, I've been getting to know my female side, and I want more every time. It isn't enough to put on makeup, or to take selfies at home with a dress and a wig.
I have an appointment with my PCP in a couple weeks, to go over a consent form for HRT. I'm still on the waitlist for counseling (maybe another 3-4 weeks), but I really want to start taking Spiro. There are times I feel so sure that I am a woman, that I am supposed to start this journey, but then other times I have so much doubt and I freeze. I know that this takes years, and that going through therapy will let me get all of my thoughts out so I can sort through them. But should I wait to start any meds, even those that can be reversed if need be, before being absolutely sure? Should I come out at work (I'm out to managers, just not publicly yet), and practice by embodying a woman before doing anything medically?
I don't want to start estrogen yet anyway, as I'd like to give myself a chance to slowly prepare for that with the Spiro. I'm very impatient, and I also have been looking for my truth for over a decade, yet I know this needs to be a progression that isn't rushed in the slightest. Is there a moment when you were absolutely sure? A point that you knew there was no doubt whatsoever? Or is the doubt a normal part of affirmation and progression..and faith?
